OB Appointment

I received a call the other day from my new OB's office. I was SO excited to get the call and I cannot wait to go. My first appointment with her is on the 30th. The receptionist was really nice and pleasant on the phone. She asked if I wanted to have the screening done for any potential problems with the baby but I said no (part of me wants one just so I can have an ultrasound) because even if something showed on the test, we would never terminate the pregnancy.

I ended up calling the office back and asking if the doctor would try and listen for the heartbeat and the receptionist said yes and that they would probably do a bedside scan if I wanted to see the baby...YAH!!!

So needless to say, I can't wait for the 30th :)

Good-Bye Medication

Yesterday morning, I said farewell to my Progesterone suppositories (AKA vagina balls). It's not that I hated them or anything, okay, I did. I couldn't stand them! They smelt SO bad...it's all I could smell and it made me sick, they were messy, and in general, I just hated using them.

Even though I couldn't stand these things, I was afraid to stop them. I wasn't as afraid to stop my Estrogen (which happened on Saturday) as I was the Progesterone. It's funny how the brain can just fixate on something. But so far so good. I don't miss having to take the progesterone one bit.

I was almost giddy yesterday morning when I took my last one. I took a picture of the package just so I could remember it fondly. I normally took 2 balls 3 times a day but when I got one of the packets, one of the foil pockets had been punctured and so my paranoid brain decided to through out that ball.

Announcement

Since we found out we were pregnant, I've wanted to burst and share the news with everyone. And now that we have waited and we feel we can announce, I'm hesitant.

It's been our little secret that only close friends and a few family members know about. It just seems so personal and so private at the moment because I don't have the big pregnant belly yet.

But, my husband and I decided to share the very special news with everyone. We made our announcement a photo of our son wearing a shirt that says "Only child ~ Expiring June 2014"

I CANNOT wait for June to come!!!

I Feel Like My Doctor May Dislike Me

Yesterday I spent the better half of the morning on and off the phone with my family doctor's receptionist and my nurse at the fertility clinic. My family doctor's receptionist is great. At one point, I broke down crying on the phone and she was great...she told me not to apologize and that she knows this is stressful but I need to try not to stress.

The reason why I broke down is because I had spoken to my fertility nurse beforehand and she told me that this is my healthcare and if I want to be seen by an OB, that I have that right to have a referral sent. She told me I'm not high risk but she said that my pregnancy is not straight forward because of the bleeding, the IVF, and all of the scar tissue I have from multiple abdominal surgeries. I told all of this to the receptionist through tears.

My family doctor originally wanted me to call the fertility clinic to see if they would do an ultrasound for me, but my nurse told me they couldn't, which I knew.

But later that day I received a phone call from my nurse saying my family doctor faxed my fertility doctor asking to do an ultrasound because I was "bleeding profusely." Now my nurse knew I wasn't bleeding profusely but that I had gushing blood in the morning that was slowing down over the day. But she said my fertility doctor agreed to do the ultrasound and that it's good my family doctor stretched the truth because it will ease my mind.

My family doctor's receptionist also told me that they sent in a referral to a high risk OB. I didn't request to be sent to a high risk one, I just wanted to be sent to a regular OB...it would just make me feel more comfortable during the pregnancy. I'm used to the fertility clinic where I could call anytime and speak to a nurse and I feel I would have the same thing at an OB and if they thought there was a problem, there would be no waiting for an ultrasound, I could be brought in the next day or brought in to listen to the heart on a doppler.

I'm so happy I was able to have an ultrasound this morning. It looks like the blood must have been the second blood pocket because it's gone now!! I was so thrilled and even more thrilled that Lil Bubs is doing great. Lil Bubs is measuring 11 weeks 2 days.

Anxiety

Anxious is how I'm feeling right now. When I was a patient at the fertility clinic, any time I had bleeding I could call up my nurse, she would talk to a doctor, and they would ask me to come in for an ultrasound. Well, now that I've graduated from the fertility clinic, I'm only seeing my family doctor. My family doctor is great, but he is not an OB. He doesn't have an ultrasound machine, he doesn't have a fetal Doppler, so how is he supposed to know if anything is wrong? Where I'm from, you don't see an OB until you are 35 weeks (and that's not a typo).

So I'm supposed to go from seeing my baby at 9 weeks 5 days until 20 weeks when I will have an ultrasound and then not see the baby again until 35 weeks? How is my family doctor supposed to know if anything goes wrong if he isn't able to listen to the baby's heartbeat?

Also, with my past medical history and all the bleeding I've had this pregnancy, I think I should be seeing an OB.

So today, I started to bleed again. It came out in a gush and has seemed to slow down. It appeared to be brown blood so I'm praying it is just old blood from the blood pocket that still showed on my last ultrasound. But I'm freaking out a bit because I have no idea. I could go to emerge and they would give me an ultrasound there, but that would be even more stressful because I would be waiting at least 8 hours because the wait times are ridiculous.

I've called my family doctor and spoke with the receptionist. She is going to talk to him and get back to me. So now I have to sit and wait...once again.

Medication

I've been on medication during the IVF process. I've been taking Estrogen and Progesterone and both will be running out shortly. Estrogen will be gone in 4 days and Progesterone will be gone by the beginning of next week.

I'm so scared to stop the progesterone. My fertility doctor has assured me it's fine. He went as far to say that once there is a heartbeat, you don't need the progesterone. Still, I worry and think they should check my levels before they make me quit cold turkey. But then again, I am not a doctor. I did not study medicine for years and specialize in this field.

I think this all comes down to me wanting this healthy pregnancy so badly. I want to be able to see my baby on ultrasounds and see the flutter of the heart. I want to be able to feel the baby kick and punch and turn about inside of me. I want my husband and son to be able to put their hands on my belly and feel the baby. I want to be able to have the experience of labour and all of the pain that comes with it. I want the experience of meeting my baby for the very first time, when they are still covered in all the goo.

I pray God gives us this gift and blesses us with one of His children.

Clothes Are Not Fitting

It's come to my attention that my clothes are not fitting me quite the same as they used to. I can't seem to get my pants to button up anymore and my zipper only wants to go up halfway. I bought a Bella Band and it's wonderful. I have to readjust it every so often, but its well worth it...its the only way I can wear my pants!!

My shirts seem to be that much more revealing, but I think that's because my breasts have gotten quite a bit larger.

On the weekend I treated myself and bought two new bras and some new undies. I had myself fitted and I had to chuckle when they told me I should be wearing a size smaller than what I was now. Do you see the bra I'm wearing now? Do you see how I'm popping out of it? And you want me to go a size smaller? Oh boy! I tried on 5 different sizes and styles before we found one that fit me good and it's not the size they said I should be (duh!!). The new bras are so comfortable. No more popping out and achy boobs because of a bad fitting bra. The undies I bought are also fabulous. I bought a size larger than I normally do and I made sure to find pairs without elastic bands of any sort (elastic bands make me feel even more uncomfortable).

And to top it off, I got my undies for free! The store I was in had a sale that if you spend $100, you save 40%. My bras alone were over $60 so I was pretty happy to spend free money after that!

Lil Bubs

I had my fourth ultrasound today at the clinic and needless to say, I was so nervous. Excited, but nervous. Once I was on the table, I lied there holding my breath. We saw the baby on the screen and then, we say lil bubs wiggle!! Lil bubs was having a great time moving around. It's such an amazing thing to see. To know that miracle is growing inside of you.

The doctor still saw a blood pocket on the screen, but it was smaller. And the second blood pocket was gone! God is definitely listening to all of my prayers.

Lil bubs measured a day ahead (last time bubs measured a day behind). We are 9 weeks and 5 days along. I'm not sure what will happen next. When my next ultrasound will be (I have a feeling it won't be until 20 weeks), when I'll have my first appointment with my OB/GYN, when I stop my medications...I don't really know anything at the moment.

Worry

Being pregnant has been very worrisome for me. I wish I could just sit back and enjoy every minute of it but I worry. It's so hard not too but it has gotten a lot easier since I've realized that no one has control over this life except God.

At my last ultrasound on Nov. 15, the doctor noticed two blood pockets around the gestational sac, so I'm worried about that. I pray they go away and they don't harm the baby or anything the baby needs. I've gotten used to seeing blood...it doesn't come by surprise anymore. It's nice when I don't have it, but when I do, I'm not surprised. It still worries me, but I hope it just means the blood pockets are leaving.

I have another ultrasound on Thursday and I CANNOT wait. I'm praying for good news...that are baby is healthy and the blood pockets are gone (or smaller in size). I don't know if I'll ever be able to relax and just enjoy being pregnant without worrying; it's just so hard when you want something so bad.

Being Sick and Pregnant

It seems the cold bug is popping up everywhere. At home, at work...I knew I was bound to catch it. My hubby has been fighting a cold for the past week, my son has pink eye and an infection under his eye (he seems much better today after only 1 dose of medication...no more cuddles for this mama, he just wants to play now), and for the past few days, I could feel something sneaking up on me. Last night I woke up a few times with a sore throat. This morning I woke up with my head completely congested and a sore throat (I can feel the drip from my nose to my throat and it's such an annoying feeling).

Normally, I would run straight for the medicine box and grab some Tylenol Cold & Sinus and take it every 4 hours. Now that I'm pregnant, I don't want to take any chances. I was thinking of making a hot lemon with honey drink but then I read about honey. They say honey is safe to have during pregnancy because your digestive system will absorb the spores that would be harmful to the baby. BUT, in my case, I don't know if my digestive system would do the trick considering I'm missing my colon.

So my only option is to suffer through it. All I can think about it curling up in bed and sleeping. I picture myself with a night cap on and a onesie pajama sleeping peacefully like a baby.

The Safest Place

I started this blog so I would be able to look back and remember everything about our journey, the good and the bad. Sometimes its hard to write about the bad. I just don't want to think about it let alone remember it. 

This brings me to Monday. I was just about to get dressed for work when I felt a gush. I looked in my underwear and I was bleeding...bright red and heavy. I was petrified. I didn't know what to do. I stopped and I prayed and I asked God to please not do this, please don't let me miscarry. I then called my nurse and they told me to come in for an ultrasound. The entire drive to the clinic I was praying and crying and talking in my head and asking God why this was happening. I was so upset and I told God that I could never hate Him but I didn't know whether I could deal with this. I didn't know whether I would be able to try another frozen embryo transfer. I truly think this would be my breaking point and I wouldn't be able to continue with IVF.

When I got to the hospital for my ultrasound they brought me in right away. I sat on the table and just let the tears roll down my face. The nurse brought me a box of tissue and when the doctor came in and asked me how I was, I lost it. I couldn't control my crying. When they started the ultrasound, I couldn't even look at the screen. I was just praying for a miracle. Begging God for a miracle. 

And then the doctor said, "There's a heartbeat, everything looks good." I couldn't believe what I just heard. I looked at the screen and could see a flicker...almost like a tiny light going on and off. I cried even more and thanked God. God had given me another miracle. I truly thought I was having a miscarriage. I don't think I've ever been so filled with fear before. God stayed with me and He held my hand the entire time. I wasn't alone at that ultrasound. 

The doctor thinks the bleed was from the placenta hitting a blood vessel or vein. She could see the bleed on the ultrasound and said I would continue to bleed more. I bled all of Monday and Tuesday morning. I had a bit of bleeding yesterday as well, but I didn't panic as much. 

I'm beginning to fully understand that no one has control of this situation. Not myself, my husband, or the doctors. God does. God knows my plan and knows what is good for me. This precious life is in His hands and maybe that is why I've been spotting and bleeding this whole pregnancy. Maybe this is God telling me I need to let go. I need to trust Him 100% no matter how scared I feel. I can't just trust Him 99.9%, that is not good enough. 

So here I am now...I'm going to try to constantly remind myself that this is in God's hands...they are the safest place to be. 

Fear

Fear is something you don't want to carry with you while you are pregnant but it seems fear follows me and is there at every corner.

This morning I started to bleed pretty heavy. It was enough to soak through my underwear. I was in tears. I called my nurse right away and I was told to come in for an ultrasound. At the ultrasound I was able to see the gestational sac and the yolk sac. It was incredible to see. My cervix was still closed and the doctor said there wasn't much he could do because it is so early. If I miscarry, it will come as a heavy period (which I know from experience).

I'm praying so hard that the bleeding will stop and God will sustain the life that is growing inside of me. I'm so thankful for this miracle that God has blessed us with.

I Need God

If I didn't have God, I don't know where I would be. God has guided me through this life, this life that has had so many ups and downs. He holds my hand and walks along side me, never leaving my side.

I was reading a devotional today and this verse really spoke to me:

The Lord says, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you. Do not be like a senseless horse or mule that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control." Many sorrows come to the wicked, but unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord. Psalm 32: 8-10

It lead me to dig a little deeper into the Bible and here are some more verses that I am drawn to at this time in my life:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail. Isaiah 58:11

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5

"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of the old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:18-19

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! Psalm 27:14

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16 

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 

If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. John 15:7

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Psalm 119:105

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Waiting

The past 2 years, I feel like all I have done is waited. It seems like I wait, and wait, and wait some more. And let me be honest here, I'm not very good at it!

With adoption...

- I have waited for CAS to approve us for adoption
- Waited for CAS to call us with a potential match
- Waited for the child CAS has called about to be born
- Waited for the child to be released from hospital and welcomed into our home
- Waited for CAS to get Crown Wardship
- Waited the 30 day period when birth parents can change their mind about revoking their rights as parents
- Waited for adoption probation (CAS puts you on adoption probation once they have been given crown wardship...you are put on adoption probation until the adoption is finalized)
- Waited for a court date to be determined to finalize the adoption
- Waited for the court date to finally come

After all of the waiting with adoption, I didn't realize we would be waiting with IVF as well.

With IVF...

- I have waited for baseline bloodwork and ultrasound to come back before being referred to an OB/GYN
- Waited for the OB/GYN to run tests to see what the problem is
- Waited for the OB/GYN to refer me to the fertility clinic
- Waited for the fertility clinic to run more bloodwork and to do more ultrasounds
- Waited for an orientation appt with the fertility clinic
- Waited for my period to start so we could begin our first IVF attempt
- Waited for results of bloodwork and ultrasound to get the go ahead to start injections
- Waited for many blood test and ultrasound results in the course of 2 weeks while I was injecting myself with hormones daily
- Waited for the egg retrieval
- Waited for the results of how many eggs were retrieved
- Waited for pain from mild ovary hyper stimulation to subside
- Waited for the results of how many eggs were fertilized
- Waited for the result of how many fertilized eggs turned into embryos
- Waited for my first embryo transfer
- Waited for lab results to see how many blastocysts were frozen
- Waited for blood work to see if I was pregnant
- Waited 6 weeks to finish my miscarriage
- Waited 2 menstrual cycles to start the process of transfer #2
- Waited for my 2nd menstrual cycle to start
- Waited for several blood work and ultrasound results to come in over the next 2 weeks while I started taking progesterone...they had to monitor my uterine lining to make sure it was thick enough
- Waited for my transfer date
- Waited anxiously for the fertility team to come in on my transfer day and give me news of our blastocysts and if the first one survived the thaw (it did!!!)
- Was put on the two week wait to see what would happen
- Couldn't wait a full 2 weeks and after 6 days took a pregnancy test
- Waited 11 days to have a blood test (instead of the 13 they originally intended)
- Waited for the results of the blood test

Now I have to wait for an ultrasound on Nov. 15. I'm praying God sustains this life He has blessed us with and we see a healthy heart beat and a healthy baby!!!

Waiting is not something I enjoy doing. With adoption, all of our waiting was SO worth it. We have been truly blessed with our son...God has been so good to us. With our pregnancy now, God has blessed us with a miracle and I pray He continues to take care of our little one.

Matthew 19:26 "Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

6 Day Transfer

Throughout my posts, I've referred to my transfer as a 5 day transfer...that's because it's the norm. Our blastocysts were actually frozen on day 6, so technically I had a 6 day transfer.

Below is a picture of all of the tests I've taken (I've marked them as a 6 day transfer).

I've saved all of my tests in a plastic ziplock bag for now. I still like to look at them every now and them...they definitely bring a smile to my face. I'm still in a daze about being pregnant. It is such a miracle. 

Yesterday I went out and bought prenatal vitamins for the first time...EVER. I know it seems small but these small things make my day. 

I Can Finally Breathe...Blood Results Are In

Having to wait until the afternoon to receive the blood test results seemed like I had to wait an entire week. I started to wonder how long it takes to analyze blood and wondered if my phone was working properly and eventually had to tell myself to stop being so ridiculous.

The nurse called at 2:10pm with good news. At luteal day 18, they like to see the hCG level above a 200. I'm at luteal day 15 and my hCG is at 456!!! I'm so thrilled!! It was like music to my ears. We talked about my spotting and she said some women do experience some spotting in pregnancy and to call the clinic if it turns into a bright red flow. I haven't seen anymore spotting since late this morning and I'm so grateful to God...I pray He continues to work on this miracle that is happening inside of me.

We go for an ultrasound on November 15 which is my husband's birthday. I pray we see the heartbeat!!

All I can do now is sit back and try to relax and enjoy our pregnancy. It's really hard for me to do that though because we have tried so hard and have waited so long. It's been a very bumpy ride but I know that through God, ALL things are possible.

Praise the Lord!

11 Days Post Transfer and I Don't Know What to Think

I am feeling so many emotions at the moment. I feel like I need to have a good cry and just get it out. Not a few tears sort of cry but a big sobbing is what I need. I started to cry 3 times on my way to work and it's only a 7 minute drive! I cried two times leaving the hospital after my blood work. I'm absolutely petrified and it's the only way my body knows how to release the emotion.

TMI warning....
Early Sunday morning (I'm talking 12:30am) I noticed a bit of pink blood when I wiped and then again on Sunday evening before bed I thought I saw a little bit on my underwear but I wasn't 100% sure. This morning there was a bit more.

I'm so scared that my husband and I are going to lose this pregnancy. This is the time when my period would start so maybe it's trying to do something.

Pretty much, to sum it up, I'm a complete mess right now.

8 Days Post Transfer and Still Just as Anxious

It seems like I have a new routine in the morning...get up and go pee on a stick, or in my case, pee in a cup and add 4 drops of urine to the test. I panicked this morning taking the test because I didn't think the pink line was going to appear...this thought even woke me up in the night. But after about 2 minutes, it showed up. And then I started to wonder if it looked more faint then before. 

All of this worrying is ridiculous. I wouldn't think women who have a "regular" (by regular, I mean don't need IVF to conceive) don't worry this much. 

I've been asking to God to take all of my worries away. I want this to be an enjoyable time...I don't want to constantly be worrying about it. I was more relaxed when I went to sleep last night...God is definitely working in me. 

I called my nurse yesterday to see if I could move up my beta test and she said I could go on Monday as long as I didn't mind going again in 48 hours if the beta number was not high enough to satisfy the doctors. Of course I agreed. I thought it was standard to always have a second beta to make sure the numbers were doubling over 48 hours but at the fertility clinic I go to they only take one beta and then schedule an ultrasound a few weeks later. 

Thinking about all of this stresses me...really, everything is out of my control. This pregnancy is in God's hands and I need to let go of my worry and trust Him completely. 

Here's the breakdown of what our blastocyst (baby) is hopefully doing:

- 1dpt:   Blastocyst hatches out of shell

- 2dpt:   Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining

- 3dpt:   Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining

- 4dpt:   Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining

- 5dpt:   Implantation is complete, cells that will become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop

- 6dpt:   hCG starts to enter the bloodstream 

- 7dpt:   Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted

- 8dpt:   Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted

- 9dpt:   hCG levels are high enough to detect a pregnancy

7 Days Post Transfer

Today is 7 days post transfer...can time pass any slower? It seems to pass a lot more slowly at work. When I'm at home I have things to keep me busy...my son keeps me on the go. We have a nice routine when I get home...have dinner, play in the bath, and then playtime downstairs for about an hour before it's time for him to go to bed.

Last night I was really anxious. I would look at the pregnancy tests and wonder. Finally, I broke down and took a test. I couldn't wait...normally they say to take it in the morning but really, I was desperate by this point. I told myself before taking the test that if I get a negative, it may be too early, plus it's the evening, my hCG concentration wouldn't be as high.

My heart sank when I looked at the test...I saw only one pink line...mind you, this was only after 20 seconds, but still. I was filled with an overwhelming feeling of disappointment. I quickly turned to God and said I'm not giving up...I will always have faith. I looked down at the pregnancy test again and I didn't know whether my eyes were playing tricks on me. I saw a very faint second pink line. I was shocked!! I didn't believe my eyes. I grabbed my phone and turned on the flashlight app so I could see it better and sure enough, it was there!!! After all of the negative tests I have taken over the years, I finally saw a second pink line.

My hubby is a night shift worker so he was taking a nap before work but I couldn't wait...I ran into our room, turned on the light, jumped onto the bed and started screeching...I don't think I was making much sense at all. I definitely startled him awake...he thought something was wrong.

I couldn't stop jumping up and down and looking at the little test. I called my best friend next and had to anxiously patiently wait 30 seconds for her to call me back while she got out of the shower (she should have timed that one better in my opinion, hehehe). She was just as excited as me. And she screeched along with me.

I took another pregnancy test this morning and got another faint second pink line. Even though I see two pink lines and am SUPER excited, I'm also extremely scared. We have waited so long for this and what if something happens? We are keeping our faith in God and praying this is God's perfect timing for us. Only He knows our plan and knows this baby's plan. I pray for sustained life for this little blessing. This blessing is already our baby and I'm already in love. I pray God takes care of all of us. God is SO amazing!!

I know the lines are hard to see in the picture but they are there!

Here's the breakdown of what our blastocyst (baby) is hopefully doing:

- 1dpt:   Blastocyst hatches out of shell

- 2dpt:   Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining

- 3dpt:   Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining

- 4dpt:   Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining

- 5dpt:   Implantation is complete, cells that will become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop

- 6dpt:   hCG starts to enter the bloodstream 

- 7dpt:   Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted

- 8dpt:   Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted

- 9dpt:   hCG levels are high enough to detect a pregnancy

Just Caved

Ok, so I just caved and bought 2 pregnancy tests...just the cheapy ones from the dollar store...I can't bring myself to spend $20 on two tests if all I'm going to see if a negative.

Now that I have the tests, I feel a bit more in control. I have the option to test whenever I want, if I want. My poor best friend is working overtime right now trying to get me to calm down...I don't think anything can lead a woman's mind astray in the 2 week wait.

6 Days Post Transfer

6 days post transfer and I still feel "normal." The feeling of normal puts me in a panic...I want to feel pregnant, not normal!!

Yesterday I experienced some cramping...not sure what that was all about. I'm hoping it's a sign of pregnancy...that our blastocyst was implanting deeper into my uterus. Other than that, I haven't felt anything...just a bit tired and a bit light headed but that's more than likely from the medication.

Here's the breakdown of what our blastocyst is hopefully doing:

- 1dpt:   Blastocyst hatches out of shell

- 2dpt:   Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining

- 3dpt:   Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining

- 4dpt:   Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining

- 5dpt:   Implantation is complete, cells that will become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop

- 6dpt:   hCG starts to enter the bloodstream 

- 7dpt:   Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted

- 8dpt:   Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted

- 9dpt:   hCG levels are high enough to detect a pregnancy

My mind is completely consumed by the thought of being pregnant...all I want to do is take a home pregnancy test. I'm just so scared of seeing a negative result...I don't want to have to look at another negative test, it's just heartbreaking. By not taking a pregnancy test, I can still be hopeful.

I'm still praying every day!! Praying that we are pregnant and that the life being created will be sustained and we will be blessed with a healthy baby...by God's grace!

5 Days Post Transfer

I found this online and I thought I would share it...a schedule of what our blastocyst is doing:

• 1dpt….Blastocyst hatches out of shell
• 2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
• 3dpt.. Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
• 4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
• 5dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
• 6dpt…Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
• 7dpt…More HCG is produced as fetus develops
• 8dpt…More HCG is produced as fetus develops
• 9dpt…HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT!!

Impatient

It hasn't even been a week since the transfer and I want to know! The 2 week wait seems like an eternity...I could only imagine how things would go over if women had to wait an entire month to find out! Although, in a sense, that does happen sometimes...it happened to my husband and I during our last transfer. We found out we were pregnant, but my hCG levels were far to low. It took a month for my body to miscarry the pregnancy...it's devastating.

Going through another transfer is really bringing out my feelings about my miscarriage...I kind of just brushed it under the rug, but now it's hitting me...it was real, it happened. We were pregnant and we lost our precious gift...the only thing that is comforting is that I will get to hold my baby in Heaven. Everything happens for a reason...sometimes it's hard to understand though.

Good things come to those who wait...does waiting impatiently count as well?

Meds

To say the meds are effecting me is an understatement. This evening, my dog got my blizzard off the counter and ate it and I wanted to cry. I was just about in tears over it! I'm still upset about it and its been over half an hour. Ugh.

3dpt

Not sure how I'm feeling right now. I'm excited about the possibility of being pregnant, but I'm also extremely scared.  I felt a bit of cramping but it felt more like stomach cramps than anything else.  I'm so worried that the blastocyst didn't latch on. I think it should have by now. Sometimes you don't feel any cramping or see any spotting. I'm still trying to remain hopeful and I'm still praying every day. Without God b my side,  I wouldn't be able to do this. I know God has a plan for me....I pray this is His perfect timing.

Day 1 Post Transfer

I made it through today with relative ease. I didn't think too much about yesterday's transfer. This is how I started off last time. As the days went on, I became more and more curious and it's all I could focus on. I ended up taking a pregnancy test and got a negative. So I was left with a sinking feeling while tying to stay positive. I don't want to do that to myself again. It's an awful feeling.

Blessed

Today was our transfer. I arrived at the hospital and received a 'fancy' bracelet with all of my information on it. When my name was called I nearly jumped out of my seat. I walked along a long corridor, undressed from the waist down and walked into the transfer room (with a blanket around my waist...don't know what the point of covering up is when you have to lie on a bed with your legs spread wide).

I waited what seemed like forever for the team to walk in but when they did, they brought amazing news. The first blastocyst thawed with no problem!!! Thank you God!!! God answered one of my prayers. During the transfer, there was only a bit of pain when they stuck the catheter in and ejected our blastocyst from the catheter into my uterus.

It may seem strange, but I told this little blastocyst that I am it's mommy and it needs to latch on to my uterus grow into a healthy baby. I'm praying so hard!!!

God, please let this be the one. Please help and nurture this blastocyst so it can turn into a healthy baby. Give it the guidance, strength, and nutrition it needs. Please help me to remain calm and not dwell on the two week waiting period. I pray You will bless us with a healthy pregnancy that results in a healthy baby.

Tomorrow

The transfer of our frozen blastocyst is tomorrow. I'm so nervous and I'm worried the blastocyst won't  thaw. And I'm so scared that this won't work. I'm crying thinking about it. I think about all of the women who are in the same situation as I am and my heart breaks for them. I wish this didn't have to happen to anyone.

God, I pray You will keep our blastocysts safe. I pray tomorrow You will keep Your guiding hands on our blastocyst. I pray You will nourish our blastocyst and allow it to blossom into a healthy baby. I pray You will help me relax.

Transfer

On Saturday I went for an ultrasound in preparation of our transfer. The ultrasound was to check the thickness of my uterine lining. My lining looks good and they are going to go ahead with the transfer on October 10th. So I have to continue with the estrogen and started the progesterone on the weekend.

I'm nervous to say the least. I can't help think about the last time we tried. And I can't help but worry that our embryo won't thaw. We only have two frozen embryos...I feel like so much is riding on this.

Adoption Creed

Not flesh of my flesh,

Not bone of my bone,

But still miraculously

My own.

Never forget

For a single minute,

You didn't grow under my heart,

But in it.

Early Morning

This morning was an early morning for me. Up and out of bed and straight out the door to the fertility clinic. I had blood work taken and an ultrasound. During the ultrasound, the doctor asked about the fluid in my fallopian tubes (it's been there for quite a while now...long before we started fertility treatments). He seemed concerned about it and told me they may want to do something about that before we continue with our plans for a transfer.

Why are they just concerned now? If the fluid in my tubes is a problem, why did they let us do an IVF cycle and a transfer already? Why would they not fix the problem first before continuing? Now I feel like we may have lost a baby because they didn't do anything about the fluid before. I'm just waiting on a phone call now to see what the plan is.

And So It Begins Again

Today marks day 1 of my cycle. It started late last night and once again, my hopes of being pregnant were crushed.

I have mixed feelings about starting the process for a frozen blastocyst transfer. Late at night seems to be the worst time ever to think...my mind runs wild when it's given the chance. I just don't know how I feel about being picked and prodded for all the blood tests and how I feel about all of the ultrasounds. Trying to conceive a miracle is a very personal thing, but when IVF is involved, it seems the whole world is involved in your business...there's no privacy at all...NONE. That's starting to get to me a bit.

And the fact that we have 2 blastocysts frozen is starting to bother me a bit. I believe that as soon as an egg has been fertilized, life has been created. So now I'm left with the feeling that my poor babies are frozen in some laboratory. It's a strange feeling and it just hit me last night.

All of these feelings could just be a result of my hormones from my cycle starting. I pray this transfer works. I pray the blastocyst will thaw without any problems and latch on to my uterus and grow into a healthy bundle of joy. I pray the second blastocyst will do the same.

I don't know what I would do if this IVF cycle wasn't successful and I pray I never have to find out.

The Past

They say the past is the past, but what if your past is affecting your present? That's my problem.

My infertility problems are a result of an illness. When I was 14, I was diagnosed with a moderate to severe case of Ulcerative Colitis. I was on many medications and eventually when the medications stopped working and UC was controlling my life, I had surgery. I was 17 when I had my first operation. I was given an ileostomy. My second surgery came a few months later when I had an operation to build a j-pouch. The next one came a few months later when I had a reversal to remove the ileostomy. I had a few minor surgeries after that. About a year and a half later, I had another surgery to get an ileostomy back. My UC had been so bad that they had to remove my entire large intestine and part of my rectum, so when I was reversed and living without an ileostomy, I had a lot of complications. A few months after this surgery, I went to emerge with what I thought was a blockage. I was told that I had a twisted bowel and needed emergency surgery to save my life. That was by far my worst surgery because I was cut open from my belly button to below my bikini line. Finally, May of 2012 is when I had what I hope to be my final surgery. I had surgery to make my ileostomy permanent...there's no going back now.

Through all of these surgeries, I developed quite a bit of scar tissue. So much so that my right ovary does not sit on my right side anymore. It hovers around my midsection and close to my left ovary. There's just no room for my Fallopian tubes to squeeze through an egg. Blocked tubes are something I have to live with. I can't say I've fully come to terms with the hand I've been dealt with infertility, but I'm learning how to cope. One day at a time.

Words

Remember how far you've come, not just how far you have to go. 

You are not where you want to be, 

but neither are you where you used to be 

- Rick Warren

That Time of the Month

So it's that time of the month again...the time of the month when I can't help but get my hopes up in the possibility that I may be pregnant. Mother Nature is due for a visit any day now. My heart can't help but hope that she doesn't come...and that she doesn't come for the next 9 months. My brain knows better and tries to tell my heart to smarten up, but it's never that easy.

I think what makes it even harder is not having a regular period. If Mother Nature would show up at the right time each month, there would be no problem...but when she delays her visits for a week or two, it seems like an even bigger let down.

I just have to think positive...that once my period does start this month, we can attempt another IVF transfer and this could be the one that creates our miracle baby.

Rules for Mom's of Boys

27 RULES for MOTHERS OF BOYS 


Above all...Share the Bible with your son. Show him GOD's love daily and be a Christian example to him. 

1. Teach him the words for how he feels. Your son will scream out of frustration and hide out of embarrassment. He'll cry from fear and bite out of excitement. Let his body move by the emotion, but also explain to him what the emotion is and the appropriate response to that emotion for future reference. Point out other people who are feeling the same thing and compare how they are showing that emotion. Talk him through your emotions so that someday when he is grown, he will know the difference between angry and embarrassed; between disappointment and grief. 

2. Be a cheerleader for his life There is no doubt that you are the loudest person in the stands at his t-ball games. There is no doubt that he will tell you to "stop, mom" when you sing along to his garage band's lyrics. There is no doubt that he will get red-faced when you show his prom date his pictures from boy scouts. There is no doubt that he is not telling his prom date about your blog where you've been bragging about his life from his first time on the potty to the citizenship award he won in ninth grade. He will tell you to stop. He will say he's embarrassed. But he will know that there is at least one person that is always rooting for him. 

3. Teach him how to do laundry ..and load the dishwasher, and iron a shirt and cut the grass and hang a picture and change a tire and fix the chair. He may not always choose to do it. He may not ever have to do it. But someday his wife will thank you. 

4. Read to him and read with him. Emilie Buchwald said, "Children become readers on the laps of their parents." Offer your son the opportunity to learn new things, believe in pretend places, and imagine bigger possibilities through books. Let him see you reading...reading the Bible, the paper, reading novels, reading magazine articles. Help him understand that writing words down is a way to be present forever. Writers are the transcribers of history and memories. They keep a record of how we lived at that time; what we thought was interesting; how we spoke to each other; what was important. And Readers help preserve and pass along those memories. 

5. Encourage him to dance. Dance, rhythm, and music are cultural universals. No matter where you go, no matter who you meet - they have some form of the three. It doesn't have to be good. Just encourage your son that when he feels it, it's perfectly fine to go ahead and bust a move. 

6. Make sure he has examples of Godly men who are powerful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity. The examples of men with big muscles and a uniform (like Batman and Tim Tebow) will surround your son from birth. But make sure he also knows about men who kick butt because of their brains (Steve Jobs), and their pen (Moses, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John), and their words (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.), and their determination (John the Baptist), and their ideas (The Wright Brothers), and their integrity (Officer Frank Shankwitz), and fearlessness (Neil Armstrong), and their ability to keep their mouths closed when everyone else is screaming (Jackie Robinson) and their driving skill (Jeff Gordon). 

7. Make sure he has examples of women who are beautiful because of their brains, their determination, their integrity and their Christian example. The examples of traditionally beautiful women (like Cinderella and Princess Jasmine) will surround your son from birth. But make sure he knows about women who are beautiful from the inside out because of their love of GOD (Mary, Ruth, Mother Teresa), brains (Madame Marie Curie), and their pen (Louisa May Alcott), and their words (Eleanor Roosevelt), and their determination (Anne Sullivan), and their ideas (Lottie Moon) and their integrity (Annie Armstrong), and fearlessness (Ameila Earhart), and their ability to open their mouths and take a stand when everyone else is silent (Corrie Ten Boom). 

8. Be an example of a beautiful woman with brains, determination, and integrity. You already are all of those things. If you ever fear that you are somehow incapable of doing anything - remember this: If you have done any of the following: a) grew life b) impossibly and inconceivably got it out of your body c) taken care of a newborn d) made a pain go away with a kiss e) taught someone to read f) taught a toddler to eat with a utensil g) cleaned up diarrhea without gagging h) loved a child enough to be willing to give your life for them (regardless if they are your own) or i) found a way to be strong when that child is suffering...you are a superhero. do not doubt yourself for one second. Seriously. 

9. Teach him to have manners because its nice. and it will make the world a little better of a place. 

10. Give him something to believe in--GOD--- Because someday he will be afraid, or nervous, or heartbroken, or lost, or just need you, and you won't be able to be there. Give him something to turn to when it feels like he is alone---JESUS CHRIST--- so that he knows that he will never be alone; never, never, never. 

11. Teach him that there are times when you need to be gentle like with babies, and flowers, and animals, and other people's feelings. 

12. Let him ruin his clothes. Resolve to be cool about dirty and ruined clothes. You'll be fighting a losing battle if you get upset every time he ruins another piece of clothing. Don't waste your energy being angry about something inevitable. Boys tend to learn by destroying, jumping, spilling, falling, and making impossible messes. Dirty, ruined clothes are just par for the course. 

13. Learn how to throw a football or how to use a hockey stick, or read music, or draw giraffes, or the names of different train engines, or learn to speak Elvish, or recognize the difference between Gryffindor and Slytherin, or the lyrics to his favorite song. Be in his life, not as an observer but as an active participant. 

14. Go outside with him, turn off the television, unplug the video games, put your cellphone on the charger, even put your camera away. Just go outside and follow him around. Watch his face, explore his world, and let him ask questions. It's like magic. Teach him to appreciate God's earthly wonders...the sunrise, the stars, and the dandelion. 

15. Let him lose. Losing sucks. Everybody isn't always a winner. Even if you want to say, "You're a winner because you tried," don't. He doesn't feel like a winner, he feels sad and crappy and disappointed. And that's a good thing, because sometimes life also sucks, no matter how hard (as moms) we try to make it not suck for our kids. This practice will do him good later when he loses again (and again, and again, and again, and again.....) Instead make sure he understands that - sometimes you win - sometimes you lose. But that doesn't mean you ever give up. 

16. Give him opportunities to help others. There is a big difference in giving someone the opportunity to help and forcing someone to help. Giving the opportunity lights a flame in the heart and once the help is done the flame shines brighter and asks for more opportunities. Be an example of helping others in your own actions and the way your family helps each other and helps others together. 

17. Remind him that practice makes perfect. This doesn't just apply to performance-based activities (like sports and music) but also applies to everything in life. You become a better writer by writing. You become a better listener by listening. You become a better speaker by speaking. Show your son this when he is just young enough to understand (that means from birth, folks - they are making sense of the world as soon as they arrive), practice trick-or-treating at your own front door before the real thing. Practice how you will walk through airport security before a trip. Practice how you order your own food from the fast food cashier. Practice, practice, practice. 

18. Answer him when he asks, "Why?" Answer him, or search for the answer together. Show him the places to look for the answers (like his dad, or grandparents, or his aunts/uncles, or his books, or valid internet searches). Pose the question to him so he can begin thinking about answers himself. Someday, when he needs to ask questions he's too embarrassed to ask you - he'll know where to go to find the right answers. 

19. Always carry band-aids and wipes on you. especially the wipes. 

20. Let his dad teach him how to do things ...without interrupting about how to do it the 'right way.' If you let his dad show and teach and discover with your son while he is growing up, some day down the road (after a short period of your son believing his dad knows nothing), he will come to the realization that his dad knows everything. You will always be his mother, but in his grown-up man heart and mind, his dad will know the answers. And this will be how, when your son is too busy with life to call and chat with his mom, you will stay connected to what is happening in his life. Because he will call his dad for answers, and his dad will secretly come and ask you. 

21. Give him something to release his energy: drums, a pen, a punching bag, wide open space, water, a dog. Give him something to go crazy with - or he will use your stuff - and then you'll sorry.

22. Build forts with him. Forts have the ability to make everyday normal stuff into magic. Throw the couch cushions, a couple blankets, and some clothespins and you can transform your living room into the cave of wonders. Dig a trench, cover it with straw, have him use his imagination. For the rest of his life, he'll be grateful to know that everyday normal stuff has the potential to be magical. 

23. Take him to new places. Because it will make his brain and his heart open up wider, and the ideas and questions and memories will rush in. 

24. Kiss him. Any mother of sons will tell you that little boys are so loving and sweet. They can be harsh and wild and destructive during most of the day. But there are these moments when they are so kind and sensitive and tender. So much so that it can cause you to look around at the inward, reserved grown men in your life and think, 'what happens in between that made you lose that?' Let's try to stop the cycle by kissing them when they're loving and kissing them even more when they're wild. Kissing them when they're 2 months and kissing them when they're 16 years old. You're the mom - you can go ahead and kiss him no matter how big he gets - and make sure he knows it. p.s. (this one is just as important for dad's too). 

24. Teach him that family is of major importance. At the end of the day, that is what you come home to---that is who will love you (even when they don't like what you did or said) and always be there in spirit---if not person---to support him along his way. Extended family provides a living history to your son....always show respect for your family in front of your son. Teach him that family is love. 

26. Teach him it's okay to wear pink, to know the difference between blue and periwinkle, and to appreciate the fine arts. Museums, art galleries, and paint chips are all ways to explore a little more 'refinement' and things your future daughter-in-law will thank you for as well. 

27. Be home base. You are home to him. When he learns to walk, he will wobble a few feet away from you and then come back, then wobble away a little farther and then come back. When he tries something new, he will look for your proud smile. When he learns to read, he will repeat the same book to you twenty times in a row, because you're the only one who will listen that many times. When he plays his sport, he will search for your face in the stands. When he is sick, he will call you. When he really messes up, he will call you. When he is grown and strong and tough and big and he feels like crying, he will come to you; because a man can cry in front of his mother without feeling self-conscious. Even when he grows up and has a new woman in his life and gets a new home, you are still his mother; home base, the ever constant, like the sun. Know that in your heart and everything else will fall into place.

Adapted from Pinterest, courtesy of many wise contributors

Infertility Etiquette

Infertility etiquette...who knew there was such a thing? Well, there is and anyone who is going through or has gone through infertility would agree with me (or at least I think they would) when I say that everyone should know it.

Shortly after my hubby and I had undergone our first transfer, during our two week wait, I was completely dumbfounded by something a family member announced. Our entire family knows about our struggle with infertility so when we have gatherings, I assume I won't have to try and dodge anything that would be upsetting to me. Well, I was completely shocked when I was told that someone I don't even know is pregnant. The look on my face probably said it all. All I could manage to spit out was "that's nice" when what I really wanted to say was "do you just realize what you said to me?!?! How do you expect me to be happy for someone I don't even know? Woo hoo, yippee, hooray for them...not really."

Later on when this issue was addressed, I was the bad guy because I was being selfish and I should always be happy for everyone. Yes, I should be happy for everyone but these things need to be addressed in a delicate manner when it comes to me. I'm not saying I don't want to hear about it, because I do. I want to share in the happy news if it's a family member or friend who is blessed with the miracle of pregnancy, but in all honesty, I don't want to hear about a complete stranger's pregnancy. If you are so elated that they are pregnant, please share this news with someone who knows the happy couple or someone who is not me. And if it is a friend or family member, please be delicate when you tell me. Please understand that yes I will be over the moon happy for you, but I will also be sad for myself and will need to have a pity party on my own.

Another thing I am sick of hearing is "God has a plan for you" or "You need to be patient and wait for God's perfect timing" or "Maybe God didn't want you to have kids" (am I really that horrible of a person that God would make me infertile because He thought that I would make a horrible mom?). When people mention God, I wish there was a door beside me so I could slam it in their face and get on with my day. Don't get me wrong, I am a strong believer in God. God is my Savior. I know God has a perfect timing for everything and that God has a plan for me. I know that the reason why we are infertile was to be blessed with the adoption of our son. If we were fertile, we would have never adopted. And the reason why the first baby we were hoping to adopt did not end up going through is because God had planned right from the beginning for us to be J's mommy and daddy. I understand all of this and this is why I don't need someone to remind me of this.

On a daily, weekly, monthly (especially monthly), and yearly basis I mourn the loss of a child who would have a combination of my features and my husband's features. Each month when my cycle starts up again, it's heartbreaking for me because I always hold on to the hope that maybe, just maybe, we are pregnant. All I can do is sit there and cry, have my pity party, and move on with my day and grieve the loss of a child we may never know.

I think the one thing that upsets me the most is when a pregnant woman complains about her pregnancy. Are you really going to complain about how you are feeling while your body is growing a miracle inside of you? Be grateful that you are able to know what this experience is like because let me tell you, I would do anything to have morning sickness for 9 months straight, swollen feet that have doubled in size, aches and pains. Anything pregnancy related, I would love to have because it would mean I was actually pregnant.

Finally, if I don't talk to you about, don't bring it up to me. I know everyone is just trying to be supportive and let me know they care. The best way to do that is to just be there when I need you. In the meantime, pray for us. You don't even need to know what to pray for...God knows everything and He will know exactly what to do with your prayers.

My Year in a Summary

Growing up I never even imagined that I would need IVF to become pregnant. I always thought getting pregnant would be easy. As many women and families know, IT IS NOT. And it is something that should never be taken for granted. And please, please do not ever complain about being pregnant because you never know if the person you are complaining to is experiencing the pain of infertility and would do anything to be experiencing the beautiful gift of pregnancy.

I literally want to scream when anyone complains about being pregnant. AT LEAST YOU ARE PREGNANT...this is how I just spent my last 2 months:

20 self injections 

8 blood tests

4 ultrasounds

1 egg retrieval

1.5 weeks of intense pain

1 blastocyst transfer

2 blastocysts frozen

LOTS of hope, excitement, and inticipation

1 miscarriage (failed IVF attempt)

Heartbreak, defeat

FEAR that the frozen blastocysts will not thaw

FEAR that after all of this, we may not get pregnant

The hCG Rollercoaster

Before IVF, I never thought twice about hCG and before I had my embryo transfer, I was never worried about it. It's funny how the mind can fixate on one thing and become almost obsessed with it.

For the first week of my two week waiting period, I didn't think much about the transfer and if I was pregnant, but as soon as day 8 rolled around, I was anxious. I wanted to know and I did something I probably shouldn't have done. I took a pregnancy test and to my disappointment, it was negative. Two days later I tortured myself again and took another one only to have the same results.

When I went for my bloodwork after the two week wait, I was expecting to receive a call to tell me I wasn't pregnant. I wasn't prepared for the nurse to tell me that I was technically pregnant since my hCG level was 11. I was informed it was extremely low and I was more than likely having a chemical pregnancy. 2 days later I went for more bloodwork and my hCG went up to 18. I couldn't help but be a little excited and that's when I turned to other bloggers and fertility groups for support. I had never heard of the hCG roller coaster before and it's a tough ride to be on. Reading about other women's roller coaster ride was heartbreaking, but it helped put things into perspective for me. A week later I went for a third blood test and again, my hCG level had gone up again to 28. I knew what the end result would be so at this point I was praying that my body would do what it had to do with this chemical pregnancy so I would not have to take any pills to make the miscarriage happen (which I have thought long and hard about and don't think I would...I would always hold on to the smaller hope that the doctor is wrong). The following week I went for more blood work and this time the level had dropped to 15.

My hCG roller coaster ride was coming to a halt and I was relieved. Relieved my body was doing what it had to do. Relieved that I wouldn't be getting my hopes up anymore for disappointment. Relieved that this wouldn't delay my next transfer any longer.

So now I'm anxiously patiently waiting for my next transfer. I have to wait two menstrual cycles...I've already had one and I'm looking forward to day 1 of my next one (I really thought I would NEVER say something like that in my life, but it could mean the start of a pregnancy).

IVF - Very Intimidating

IVF

In Vitro Fertilization 

Simply put, those words scare me. For me, there is so much pressure and so much hope involved and the very big chance of disappointment. 

My husband and I have had many discussions about IVF. It was the first thing we talked about before adoption. Now that we have adopted, before we go that route again, we have decided to try IVF. 

I started the IVF process with so much enthusiasm. I couldn't help but be excited and hopeful that this would work for us. I was certain this would be an easy process. A few injections, an egg retrieval, an embryo transfer, and boom, a baby. That's not how it works at all. 

I thought when we went for our orientation appointment that we would just be dipping our toes in the water and getting a feel for what was to come. Well, little did I know that my next menstrual cycle we could start IVF. So day one of my cycle, I phoned the clinic and started my injections. I was so optimistic. 2 injections a day to start, bloodwork and ultrasound every 3 days to monitor. This was going to be easy, or so I thought.

Then came the egg retrieval. They were able to retrieve 25 eggs...my ovaries are power houses! I was warned the egg retrieval would be uncomfortable, but I was not warned about what was to come. After the retrieval, the ovaries can stay enlarged for 6-8 weeks because the follicles fill with blood and fluid. I was in so much pain (this has a lot to do with previous abdominal surgeries and scar tissue). I could barely walk, I had a hard time going to the washroom, I couldn't do anything. Not to mention I had horrible nausea.  

3 days later when the lab called to say we would be doing a day 5 transfer, I was still in excruciating pain. I was given a stronger pain medication to help make me comfortable. On day 5, waiting in the waiting room, I sat uncomfortably looking at the other women wondering how they aren't in any pain. They looked fine, like nothing had happened, and here I am, barely even able to sit  (the nurse actually came and got me and let me lie down in a room while I waited). I had to remind myself that my circumstances were different. 

Once our embryo had been transferred, the waiting game began. 

Side note: Out of those 25 eggs retrieved, 20 were fertilized. From those 20 fertilized eggs, we ended with 1 embryo (which was transferred) and 2 blastocysts which we froze. It seems like so much to have gone through for 3 embryos, but I have been reminding myself, that we are very blessed to have gotten 3. Some people go through the whole process and don't have any. 

Hold On Tight Because This Roller Coaster May Derail

Have you ever had the feeling of being totally helpless and totally out of control? Anyone with infertility can understand this. Infertility is one of the biggest challenges in my life and stemming from that, is the process of adoption...BIG challenge.

After our first experience with foster with a view to adopt, my husband and I were very hesitant about trying again. We thought maybe we should only have our names on a list for a child who is already a crownward and is adoptable. BUT, we were told we could be waiting years. Years? Gulp! We didn't want to wait years...we want a family and we want one now. If we didn't have the infertility problem weighing us down, we would have already started our family. So instead of waiting any longer, we decided to jump back in about a month later and have our names added back to the list. And then the waiting game started again.

We had only been back on the list for about 3 weeks when I received a phone call at 8:50pm. They had another baby for us. He was not born yet and was due in the middle of July. The social worker informed me that we were the only family chosen for this child. We agreed to meet with the social workers in the morning to discuss the case. That night, I said a prayer to God...I wrote the short prayer in my journal:

God, Thank you for your many blessings and this beautiful surprise. I pray this child of Yours will be Your perfect timing for us.

The next morning, we met with the social workers and the child's protection worker. They were all fantastic. They told us as much as they could and we were told this would be a low risk case. We decided to go ahead to be this child's foster with a view to adopt home. And then we played the waiting game...

The baby was born a week late and we welcomed him into our home when he was 2 days old. He was absolutely beautiful. We fell in love with him right away, but I could feel that my heart was guarded. Even though I loved this child, I wasn't attached like I should be. I felt like if Children's Aid came to me and said he would be leaving, I would have been ok with that (and I HATE admitting that...I cringe now just typing that). Well, after having this new bundle of joy in our home for 2 weeks, it was as if God had spoken to me and was giving me the answer to all of my unanswered questions and answering my prayers. The walls around my heart came crashing down and there was no turning back. In my heart, I knew this precious baby boy a gift from God. God has chosen my husband and I to raise this child. I knew deep in my heart that we would be this boy's forever home; this is my son. Four months after he was born, Children's Aid was granted crownwardship. This little boy's birth parents made a tremendously hard decision to give us their son. They wanted him to stay with us and give him the life that they could not provide. I was speechless when the protection worker told us the news. The next 30 days were the most nail biting, heart racing, scary days of my life. The birth parents had 30 days to change their minds on the decision they had made. On Christmas Eve of 2012, it was official, we would officially be adopting this little boy. On June 21, 2013, we happily went to court and had the adoption finalized.

I am the proudest mother ever. I love this little boy more than I have ever loved before. I love him so much I feel like my heart is going to burst. My husband and I are so blessed by God. I never understood why God would have it in our plans to be infertile. I never understood why God would give us a child for 2 months, only to have the child leave our home. I never understood why God was making us go through all of these struggles and pushing us to limits. Now I do. If we had been fertile, we would have never adopted. If the first child did not go back to biological family, we would have never been put back on the list to adopt again. If these events had not happened in our life, where would our son be now? As I'm typing this, I'm looking at a photo of him and it brings tears to my eyes. I am the happiest mama out there. I am so blessed and so thankful to God.

I've learned that God has perfect timing for everything and it cannot be rushed. If something does not go the way you thought it should, it's because it was not God's will, nor was it God's perfect timing. Be patient, pray, and wait for God's answer. He is always listening.

God Will Never Give You More Than You Can Handle

Our roller coaster ride began about a month and a half after we were approved for adoption. We received a call from Children's Aid that there would be a baby that would need a foster with a view to adopt home. They gave us all of the details that they knew and told us this would be a low risk case...low risk meaning there was a good chance this would work in our favor and the child would become a crown ward. This was great news! We were told there was one other family that they had to interview as well and whichever family the social worker thought would be the best fit would have the child placed with them. This was great news for us because it meant that out of all the families on the list to adopt, we had been narrowed down to a final two. The social worker came out and met with us and then before leaving, we were already told that they wanted us to be the foster with a view to adopt family.

YAH!!! We were ecstatic. Now we just had to wait for the baby to be born. The nursery was already set up and ready to go. We received the call on a Friday and I couldn't have been more happy. I rushed out to the store to buy some clothes with this new bundle of joy to wear. As soon as we met this new baby, we fell in love. You can't help but to love a child. They are just so perfect. So my husband and I went on living our lives with this new little one until two weeks later when the social worker called to say that things had changed, someone had stepped forward, and it looked like the little one would be leaving us. I was devastated! This child I had come to love as my own would be taken away. We were given the option to have the baby placed in another foster home until it was time to say good bye, or the baby could stay with us. Even though it broke my heart, I couldn't send this precious little baby to live with complete strangers just for my benefit. That would have been so selfish on my part. After caring for this precious little one for 11 weeks, we had to say good bye. We were so heartbroken. My heart was so heavy in my chest.

God will never give you more than you can handle...there were times during the adoption process where God was really pushing my limits and having to say good bye to this little baby was one of them. I didn't understand why God was doing this to us. Why He had let us love and care for this little one only for us to have to say goodbye. I had so many unanswered questions but I continued to pray for God's will to be done. It's all I could do and it's all that kept me going.

An Excerpt From My Journal

I kept a journal while my husband and I were going through the adoption process and I thought I would share an entry from it. It's dated February 2, 2012:

After my first support group meeting last night, I'm pretty frustrated with the entire process of an adoption. My optimism is slowly turning into frustration. Having a child should never be this hard. Why do I have to complete a homestudy and change my home? Why do I have to complete PRIDE training? Why do I have to take a carseat class? I completely understand why, but sometimes it upsets me because all of this is so draining, it's all so drawn out with no expectation of ever knowing a time when I will be able to call a child my son or daughter. It really is a test of willpower and strength. There is a huge risk involved with the route we have chosen (foster with a view to adopt). At any point, we could have "our" child taken away from us. We won't be able to rest easy until crown wardship has been granted...that on average takes a year and a half through the court system (not to mention, it may never be granted). I will try my hardest to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. And if the worst happens, I need to realize that I gave that child something he or she would have never had.

My husband and I chose the route of "foster with a view to adopt" because Children's Aid would like all children to remain in one home, one forever home. This is what is in the best interest of the child. It's a huge risk and it's very hard. My husband and I knew exactly what we were getting into, but it's next to impossible to prepare yourself for any negative outcome. You can't help but be excited and optimistic.

Our lives turned into a roller coaster ride when we chose the path to adopt. It was probably one of my greatest struggles in life, but God will only give you what you can handle.

Adoption

Growing up, I always said I wanted to adopt a child, but I never thought it would be one of my two options to have a family. When my husband and I were faced with infertility, we thought long and hard about the pros and cons of adoption and IVF. We came to the decision to try adoption because there are so many children in this world who need a loving family. Unfortunately, we were not prepared for the cost of an adoption. A private adoption in your own country costs anywhere from $20,000+ while a private international adoption costs anywhere from $30,000. I would never put a price on having a family but we don't have that kind of money growing on a tree in our yard. Our only other option would be a public adoption through Children's Aid. My first thoughts were "I don't want to do that...I don't want the birth family constantly involved in our lives when we are trying to make our own family." But that is not the case at all. There is a BIG difference between a public adoption and an open adoption. A public adoption simply means you are adopting through your local Children's Aid.

So in April 2011, we began our process of a public adoption. Children's Aid came out to our house and met with us. We were given a HUGE package to complete and police checks were done. We rushed to get everything done so we could start the PRIDE training in the fall since they don't run the training during the summer. In September we started our training and our home studies also begun. It's hard to let a total stranger into your home and have them critique it and have them tell you everything that needs to be changed (like mounting bookshelves to the wall and looking up knife blocks). It was also hard having to go through all of the interviews. My husband and I were interviewed together, we were interviewed separately. We were asked intimate details about our lives and our families' lives. Finally, in December of 2011, we had been approved for adoption!!

And then came the waiting game....

The Infertile

Growing up, I never expected having a baby would be a problem. I thought it would be like in the movies...boy and girl meet, boy and girl get married, and boy and girl have baby. Boy, was I in for a reality check. Here's how my story goes:

Boy and girl meet. Boy and girl get married. Boy and girl would like very much to start a family. Boy and girl get excited each month at the possibility of a pregnancy. Boy and girl are disappointed each month. Boy and girl go to the doctor and are told they have male and female factors preventing them from conceiving.

Why can life not be like those romantic comedies where everyone ends up living happily ever after? Instead, when you are labeled an infertile, you live a roller coaster ride every single day. I've tried to tell myself that I have come to terms with being infertile and that my husband and I will have to either a) try IVF or b) adoption (I'll talk more about those in a later post), but in reality, each and every month I can't help but be hopeful and each and every month, my heart breaks.

It's extremely hard to grieve the loss of a child that will never have mommy's nose or daddy's eyes. I do this on a daily, monthly, and yearly basis. It never goes away. I will always remain hopeful though and I will always put my faith in God...God has a plan for us...only He knows what is best for us. God has the perfect timing for everything and I'm praying our timing will be soon!!