The Safest Place

I started this blog so I would be able to look back and remember everything about our journey, the good and the bad. Sometimes its hard to write about the bad. I just don't want to think about it let alone remember it. 

This brings me to Monday. I was just about to get dressed for work when I felt a gush. I looked in my underwear and I was bleeding...bright red and heavy. I was petrified. I didn't know what to do. I stopped and I prayed and I asked God to please not do this, please don't let me miscarry. I then called my nurse and they told me to come in for an ultrasound. The entire drive to the clinic I was praying and crying and talking in my head and asking God why this was happening. I was so upset and I told God that I could never hate Him but I didn't know whether I could deal with this. I didn't know whether I would be able to try another frozen embryo transfer. I truly think this would be my breaking point and I wouldn't be able to continue with IVF.

When I got to the hospital for my ultrasound they brought me in right away. I sat on the table and just let the tears roll down my face. The nurse brought me a box of tissue and when the doctor came in and asked me how I was, I lost it. I couldn't control my crying. When they started the ultrasound, I couldn't even look at the screen. I was just praying for a miracle. Begging God for a miracle. 

And then the doctor said, "There's a heartbeat, everything looks good." I couldn't believe what I just heard. I looked at the screen and could see a flicker...almost like a tiny light going on and off. I cried even more and thanked God. God had given me another miracle. I truly thought I was having a miscarriage. I don't think I've ever been so filled with fear before. God stayed with me and He held my hand the entire time. I wasn't alone at that ultrasound. 

The doctor thinks the bleed was from the placenta hitting a blood vessel or vein. She could see the bleed on the ultrasound and said I would continue to bleed more. I bled all of Monday and Tuesday morning. I had a bit of bleeding yesterday as well, but I didn't panic as much. 

I'm beginning to fully understand that no one has control of this situation. Not myself, my husband, or the doctors. God does. God knows my plan and knows what is good for me. This precious life is in His hands and maybe that is why I've been spotting and bleeding this whole pregnancy. Maybe this is God telling me I need to let go. I need to trust Him 100% no matter how scared I feel. I can't just trust Him 99.9%, that is not good enough. 

So here I am now...I'm going to try to constantly remind myself that this is in God's hands...they are the safest place to be.