Tuesday, 7 June 2016

The Question

It has been 5 years since a doctor told me about my infertility. It has been a lot longer since I knew myself about my infertility. I think God gave me the answer long before the doctors did to try and cushion the blow. Kind of like a "you can't hurt me with something that I already know." But it was hard to hear, and hard to have it confirmed, and even harder to live with it day after day after day.

There is not a day that goes by that I am not reminded of my infertility. That I am not reminded that my body is broken. There is not a day that passes that I do not wish that my ovaries could just release my eggs, shoot them down my fallopian tubes, and have them meet sperm, to be fertilized, to create a baby. But no, instead, if I ovulate, my egg just dies off because it can't make it through my blocked tubes.

So when someone asks me when I plan on having another baby, I want to cry. Because if it were my choice, I would be pregnant right now. I wouldn't walk around with pain in my heart every day. I have enough reminders on a daily basis to remind me that my body doesn't work like it should, I don't need the sting of what some may think is a seemingly innocent question. That seemingly innocent question stops me cold, makes my heart beat faster, and makes my mind instantly jump to "stay calm, you can do this, don't cry, just give a short reply and shut this conversation down."

This seemingly innocent question stays with me. Like when I try to have a relaxing bath at the end of the day but end up in a crying fit because of that one stupid question. It leaves me crying in Chris' arms while he tries his best to convince me that everything will be okay. It leaves me heartbroken because I would do anything to be able to get pregnant the old fashioned way.

I just don't want to be asked this question anymore.

Thursday, 2 June 2016

It Was Just Too Much

Sometimes its hard to go on social media because there are times when my social media page blows up with baby overload. Like today, for instance, when I couldn't scroll through a feed without seeing that someone is in labour and that it's baby time, and then a picture of a happy family in hospital with their newest addition, and then a picture of a newborn who just went home, and then a pregnancy announcement.

Yes, this just happened to me, all at once.

A pregnancy/baby overload.

And too be honest, it was just too much for me.

The first post I could handle, and maybe the second. But by the time I got to the third and fourth, I needed to stop. Quit. Close. Delete.

It was just too much. Too much all at once.

And now I'm left with the question of "why not me?"

Wednesday, 1 June 2016

The End from the Beginning

I have been struggling to write this post for days, 8 days to be exact.

Finn, my precious baby, was called to Heaven. Finn's parents told me the news 8 days ago. I was so ill prepared to hear this news. I just kept rereading the words over and over and over again, almost as if I couldn't comprehend them and if I read them just one more time, it would make sense, but it never did. Time just sort of stopped for me in that moment, when my eyes began to water and I couldn't read the words anymore. I replayed all of the events in Finn's life and just couldn't get the beginning to add up to the end. In that moment, a piece of my heart broke to be with Finn. Just because Finn was adopted by another family does not mean that I loved my baby any less. If anything, it means I loved Finn so much that I wanted what was best for him, and unfortunately, I was not able to give him that. But Finn's parents, they were and they did. To quote Finn's mom "I would do it again in a minute even if I knew the outcome from the beginning." That is powerful.

Finn fought to stay. Finn's mom received a positive pregnancy test which is proof that he fought. But God has a plan mapped out for all of us and Finn was called to Heaven. One day, we will all meet again. And one day, my arms will be full.

As for Finn's precious life, I believe there is purpose in his life, his precious life. Though it may have been short, I hope Finn's story can give hope to other families.

Because of Finn, I now know a wonderful family who shares the same values as I do and I have the honour of calling Finn's mom my friend, a friend I will cherish.