Today is not a good day. I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated with my body incompetency to be able to get pregnant without the help of a whole team of doctors, nurses, and lab techs. I'm frustrated that Chris and I will have to do IVF. I'm angry because it is not fair. I am discouraged because there are so many things that can go wrong. And I'm frustrated with myself because I'm broken.
Chris and I have been talking and we have decided that it may be best to do our round of IVF before the wedding and freeze the embryos. Last time I did IVF, my ovaries were overstimulated and I experienced a lot of pain. I believe all of my embryos should have been frozen last cycle and I probably shouldn't have done a fresh transfer...the doctor literally left it up to a hormone crazy desperate woman to make that decision. I'm hoping the doctor this time will make the decision and leave me no options to freeze all of the embryos (if we are blessed with embryos to freeze) to be transferred when my body is back to normal. I'm not sure if this is an option though because this one round of IVF will be government funded and I'm not sure of the policies. It will have to be discussed with the doctor. And since it is funded, the fertility clinic has a "wait list." The wait list itself is stressful. The way it works is the fertility clinic is funded 9 cycles a week. So the first 9 women to call in with their cycle day 1 get to do the cycle that week. The other women have to wait until their next cycle and hope they are one of the first 9. How stressful is that for a woman who is already stressed? This is another reason why we would like to do IVF before the wedding. Potentially, we could be on that wait list for quite a while. Another reason why we want to do it before the wedding is because it is funded and there is no guarantee of how long that funding will be in place. Before, since my tubes are blocked, I had 3 funded rounds of IVF, which I used one of. I thought I had two more that I would be able to use (which was a bit of a security net if the first round didn't work) but with the new funding, I only get one. I am very grateful for this, but very stressed. We will have to pay for the cost of the fertility drugs on top of the funding.
If the IVF doesn't work, I'm not sure what we will do. I don't know how we would afford to do another IVF cycle and medication out of pocket because it's not just our desire to expand our family that we have to focus on, we have two precious children at home that need us and when I put $15,000 into prospective, that's an education for one of them. I'm just so frustrated that my body is broken. And I have a lot of guilt that Chris has to go through this because of me. And I have a lot of guilt that I may not be able to give him a child that has his beautiful eyes (I was lost in his beautiful eyes the first day I met him) or his contagious smile.
We have an appointment scheduled for April 12th with our fertility doctor and I'm really hoping he will have some magic words that will calm me down and relax me.
Friday, 12 February 2016
Today is a day filled with a lot of emotions. Emotions I’m not 100% sure how to process right now. Finn, my precious embaby, no longer belongs to me. Finn has officially been donated to his or her new family. These last few days have been very emotional for me; I have emotions of sadness and emotions of happiness.
My heart is broken though. I had to say goodbye to my precious embaby. I sat this morning with my email typed and the agreement attached ready to send to my lawyer for 3 hours. I knew that as soon as I clicked send that it was done, that Finn had been donated to his or her new family. It was hard, a lot harder than I imagined it to be. It’s hard to say goodbye. And I don’t really know how to express these feelings. All I know how to express is that my heart is very sad that my baby is no longer my baby.
I am heartbroken having to say good bye to Finn, but at the same time my heart is also filled with happiness. Finn’s new family has already accepted him and welcomed him with open arms. My heart is filled with happiness because I know that they already love him and they are ready to give him the best shot possible.
I find comfort in knowing that Finn’s new family is doing everything possible to have a successful transfer and successful pregnancy. Finn’s new mommy is doing everything that I would be doing myself if I were preparing for a transfer and I find great peace in this. I am also comforted knowing that I have done everything I can for Finn and knowing that his new family is doing everything they can for him.
I am experiencing a lot of feelings right now, but in my heart, I know this is the path God has chosen for Finn and I find the greatest peace in this.