Tuesday, 7 June 2016

The Question

It has been 5 years since a doctor told me about my infertility. It has been a lot longer since I knew myself about my infertility. I think God gave me the answer long before the doctors did to try and cushion the blow. Kind of like a "you can't hurt me with something that I already know." But it was hard to hear, and hard to have it confirmed, and even harder to live with it day after day after day.

There is not a day that goes by that I am not reminded of my infertility. That I am not reminded that my body is broken. There is not a day that passes that I do not wish that my ovaries could just release my eggs, shoot them down my fallopian tubes, and have them meet sperm, to be fertilized, to create a baby. But no, instead, if I ovulate, my egg just dies off because it can't make it through my blocked tubes.

So when someone asks me when I plan on having another baby, I want to cry. Because if it were my choice, I would be pregnant right now. I wouldn't walk around with pain in my heart every day. I have enough reminders on a daily basis to remind me that my body doesn't work like it should, I don't need the sting of what some may think is a seemingly innocent question. That seemingly innocent question stops me cold, makes my heart beat faster, and makes my mind instantly jump to "stay calm, you can do this, don't cry, just give a short reply and shut this conversation down."

This seemingly innocent question stays with me. Like when I try to have a relaxing bath at the end of the day but end up in a crying fit because of that one stupid question. It leaves me crying in Chris' arms while he tries his best to convince me that everything will be okay. It leaves me heartbroken because I would do anything to be able to get pregnant the old fashioned way.

I just don't want to be asked this question anymore.

Thursday, 2 June 2016

It Was Just Too Much

Sometimes its hard to go on social media because there are times when my social media page blows up with baby overload. Like today, for instance, when I couldn't scroll through a feed without seeing that someone is in labour and that it's baby time, and then a picture of a happy family in hospital with their newest addition, and then a picture of a newborn who just went home, and then a pregnancy announcement.

Yes, this just happened to me, all at once.

A pregnancy/baby overload.

And too be honest, it was just too much for me.

The first post I could handle, and maybe the second. But by the time I got to the third and fourth, I needed to stop. Quit. Close. Delete.

It was just too much. Too much all at once.

And now I'm left with the question of "why not me?"

Wednesday, 1 June 2016

The End from the Beginning

I have been struggling to write this post for days, 8 days to be exact.

Finn, my precious baby, was called to Heaven. Finn's parents told me the news 8 days ago. I was so ill prepared to hear this news. I just kept rereading the words over and over and over again, almost as if I couldn't comprehend them and if I read them just one more time, it would make sense, but it never did. Time just sort of stopped for me in that moment, when my eyes began to water and I couldn't read the words anymore. I replayed all of the events in Finn's life and just couldn't get the beginning to add up to the end. In that moment, a piece of my heart broke to be with Finn. Just because Finn was adopted by another family does not mean that I loved my baby any less. If anything, it means I loved Finn so much that I wanted what was best for him, and unfortunately, I was not able to give him that. But Finn's parents, they were and they did. To quote Finn's mom "I would do it again in a minute even if I knew the outcome from the beginning." That is powerful.

Finn fought to stay. Finn's mom received a positive pregnancy test which is proof that he fought. But God has a plan mapped out for all of us and Finn was called to Heaven. One day, we will all meet again. And one day, my arms will be full.

As for Finn's precious life, I believe there is purpose in his life, his precious life. Though it may have been short, I hope Finn's story can give hope to other families.

Because of Finn, I now know a wonderful family who shares the same values as I do and I have the honour of calling Finn's mom my friend, a friend I will cherish.

Thursday, 12 May 2016


Trusting is not always an easy thing and when you feel as if God is being silent and just standing by while you are screaming out to Him, it is very hard to trust. But God has shown me time and time again that I need to continuously trust in Him. And this is what I am doing with Finn. 

God answered my prayer at the last possible second (at least that's how I felt). God had a plan for Finn all along and I almost gave up. But God sent a beautiful family into my life who adopted Finn and welcomed him into their family. Through this process I continued to trust God. I prayed for answers and prayed for comfort. I prayed to know that I was doing the right thing and God gave me answers and He gave me the comfort in knowing that this family is the family Finn is meant to be with. Families are created in many different ways. I am Finn's biological mom, but Finn also has another mom, a mom who will raise him (or her) and love him (or her) just as much me (and there is a lot of comfort in knowing this). God used me as a beautiful piece to Finn's puzzle and I am happy I could be a part of it. 

So today, I am choosing to trust God. And tomorrow, I will do the same thing. Finn's transfer was yesterday and I chose to trust God. This is God's plan. So when Finn's mom told me that Finn is a high quality embryo and thawed beautifully, I couldn't help but squeal (literally) in delight and praise God! Because this is God's plan and I will trust! 

So keep on shining Finn! This is your time to shine! 

Tuesday, 10 May 2016

Finn's Big Day

I can't believe I'm writing this post when a few short months ago I had lost hope. Today, I am filled with so much hope and so much love for Finn and his or her new family!

Finn's big day, Finn's day to shine, is tomorrow! Tomorrow!!

Please pray for Finn and Finn's mom. Please pray that the transfer goes well and that Finn gets comfortable for the next 9 months! Please pray!!

Friday, 6 May 2016


Today is Day 1 of my menstrual cycle and I have to say that each month, it is getting a little easier to accept that Aunt Flow will continue to visit every month. I haven't been experiencing the crushing pain of knowing my body just can't get pregnant on it's own. It's taken quite a while to get to this point and a lot of praying, but God has worked on my heart and is continuing to work on my heart and I am beginning to trust in God's plan more and more. 

With that being said, Chris and I came to the decision to wait to do IVF until after the wedding. Chris made a really big point when he said our boys are getting a bit older now and we have a bit more freedom to do things. We can enjoy each other now and have so much fun with the boys. If we tried to expand our family now, we wouldn't be able to do as much. So after some prayer, I heard God's answer and that was to wait. To wait and be at peace with waiting. To trust in God's plan. So that's what I am doing and to my surprise, I am at peace with this decision. 

And here's the icing on the cake. Shortly after Chris and I came to the decision to wait to expand our family and to enjoy each other, Chris was offered a new job (please pray for him and our family during this transition as change can be a scary thing!). We currently have no coverage for infertility which means we would be paying for medication out of pocket or both the treatment and medication out of pocket if government funding was not available. I am a strong believer that God hears all of our prayers. I was so worried about finances and how we would pay for IVF after our wedding and that was my biggest concern with waiting. Shortly after I put my trust in God's plan to wait, God gave me an answer to a prayer. Chris' new benefit package covers infertility, almost enough for us to do two rounds of IVF with only having to pay a percentage out of our pocket. I am so so so very thankful! 

Tuesday, 12 April 2016

The Big Question

Today was our appointment with the RE. I had never met him before because my previous RE retired and this doctor is his replacement. When we checked in at reception, we both had to fill out questionnaires. I glanced over at Chris when he was done and his form was pretty much blank...mine on the other hand was full of stuff. When we got called back I was weighed and my height and blood pressure were checked. Then the nurse asked a few questions and then an OB resident came in to do a bit more "research" on us before the RE came in.

When the RE came in, he seemed pleasant and had a game plan ready. He agrees that IVF is our only option and wants to move forward with that. Chris and I both need to have bloodwork done, the usual to screen for infectious disease and test for blood type, a second blood test for me on Cycle Day 3 to test FSH, LH, Estradiol, TSH, and Prolaction. The doctor also wants me to get a Hysteroscopy, which is when they insert a device into the uterus to take a look at it from the inside and make sure it will be a nice and cozy place for a baby to snuggle up in. Chris will need to have a test done as well to test the quality of his swimmers. Our plan is to get that done at the same time as I get the Hysteroscopy done since they both have to be done at the fertility clinic.

Once all of that is complete, the RE can refer us into the program, we will do our orientation, and then we will have to sit and wait. One of the questions we asked the RE was whether or not we would be approved for the government funding, and luckily, we qualify. The downside to this is that there is no guarantee of when you get to do your cycle. The hospital only gets paid every 3 months for this funding and they balance the funds over those 3 months by doing roughly 7 cycles a week. So if you are lucky enough to call in and be one of the first 7 that week, you get to go ahead with that cycle. If you are not, then you have to wait. This new funding has only been going on now for 3 months so the doctor's best guess at the wait time is 3-6 months, but really, this is like playing the lottery, you just never know. It is a big added stress and part of me wishes the government never changed the funding and I still had my 2 free cycles that I could use on my timeline, but the other part of me is happy for all of those families who couldn't afford IVF because now they get a shot at it. If we had a money tree in our backyard, we would be able to do a pay out of pocket cycle anytime, but unfortunately, that isn't realistic right now. And as I'm writing all of this, I hope I don't sound ungrateful, because I am truly very grateful for this funding.

One of our big questions for the RE was about freezing the embryos. The only way we would be able to do a cycle and freeze all of the embryos would be if it were medically necessary (if I am overstimulated again). The RE doesn't see that happening because he said last time I was on a high dosage for my age and he will start me with a lower dose and only increase the dosage if need be. He said my dosage last time was half the dosage of a woman who would be at the max dosage at the age of 42. I was only 24 when I did my first cycle. So if we do an IVF cycle, we will be doing a fresh transfer at the same time.

We weren't planning on doing a fresh transfer right away. Our original plan was to do an IVF cycle when we were married, but with there being no guarantee of funding still being available, we thought maybe we could do an IVF cycle now and freeze our embryos. Now that we know that is not an option, that leaves a big question for Chris and I. Where do we go from here?

Monday, 11 April 2016



Tomorrow is the day that Chris and I go see the fertility doctor to discuss our future. I'm not exactly sure how this appointment will go. It can go so many different ways that it is overwhelming to think about. Am I nervous? Yes. Scared? Yes. Anxious? Yes. Do I have any positive feelings toward this appointment? No...because fear has taken over. Fear of the unknown. my mind is full of "what ifs".

What if we don't receive the government funded IVF (because the fertility doctors get to pick who gets it and who doesn't)?
What if we aren't able to freeze all of the embryos and have to wait to do a cycle and hope that there will still be funding available when we are ready to have another baby?
What if we are candidates for the funded program and we can freeze our embryos and I am not one of the first 9 women that week that call in with their cycle day 1? How long will I have to wait?
What if it doesn't work?

And my biggest what if and biggest fear:
What if I can't give Chris a child that is genetically his?
I know he loves Joshua and Grayson as his own and there has never been a question of that but I want so badly to give him a child that is genetically his.

I hate all of these what ifs and I know this is all out of my control, but I'm having a really hard time just letting all of this go.

Church was amazing this past Sunday and it was all about worry. It's as if God had this one planned just for me. I know I need to let my worries go to God but right now I am having a hard time. But when I am able to let it go to God, the peace I feel is incredible.

Wednesday, 6 April 2016

I Don't Know How to Feel

Sometimes I don't know how to feel. I don't think that is really the right way to put it. I have a lot of feelings, I am an emotional person and I express my feelings openly. But sometimes I don't know how I am supposed to feel.

How am I supposed to feel about my infertility? Because most days I just hate it and I want to scream and cry and be angry and mad and scream to God "why me?!?!" Sometimes I want to be mad at God. Sometimes I am overcome by so much grief from my infertility that I don't know what to do. It's in these moments that I try my best to throw it all at God, literally throw my feelings at Him because I feel like such a mess emotionally inside that I don't know how to just hand it over to God so I throw it at Him. All of my anger, sadness, bitterness, fear, all of it.

But why me?! I feel as though I know the answer to this. Sometimes I feel God softly whispering to me through my tears "sweet child, because of Joshua, because I chose you to be Joshua's mommy." Joshua's sweet blue eyes instantly bring me back to the very reason why I would never change the infertility I was dealt. It's because of Joshua's laughter that fills our home, his sweet hugs and kisses that he always has for me, and his beautiful gentle soul that reminds me of why God chose all of this for me.

I thought I could walk bravely with the pain of infertility, but it is something I can't do alone and it's in those moments that God picks me up, never caring that I am angry or bitter or defeated or broken, and carries me through until I walk on my own two feet again.

Monday, 14 March 2016

Update on Finn

Just wanted to leave a little update about Finn's first trip. Finn made it safely to his new home. Finn is safe and sound. This is a big relief but it is all part of God's plan for Finn :) I will continue to pray for God to watch over Finn and his new family.

Tuesday, 8 March 2016

Finn's First Trip

Yesterday, I received confirmation that Finn was on his way home. Finn was being shipped from my fertility clinic to a fertility clinic on the other side of the country! He is going to have quite a story to share and I have been praying so hard that he will get to share his story.

Yesterday, was another day where I struggled to process my feelings. I felt sad and had to fight back tears. And I think a part of me will always be sad because Finn was my baby right from the very beginning, he wasn't just some frozen embryo, he was always my beautiful frozen embaby. But now he has a new family, an incredible family who has already done so much for Finn. Together, we are giving Finn the best possible chance at life. Without this family, Finn wouldn't even be here right now and I can't even imagine that. It's this part of Finn's story that makes me so incredibly happy and will always outweigh my sad moments. Words can't truly express how grateful I am. To me, this part of Finn's story is a miracle, a miracle that God has given me.

It's because of this miracle that I am only thinking positive for Finn and for Finn's new family.

Thursday, 25 February 2016

Why Does My Body Have To Be Broken??

Today is not a good day. I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated with my body incompetency to be able to get pregnant without the help of a whole team of doctors, nurses, and lab techs. I'm frustrated that Chris and I will have to do IVF. I'm angry because it is not fair. I am discouraged because there are so many things that can go wrong. And I'm frustrated with myself because I'm broken.

Chris and I have been talking and we have decided that it may be best to do our round of IVF before the wedding and freeze the embryos. Last time I did IVF, my ovaries were overstimulated and I experienced a lot of pain. I believe all of my embryos should have been frozen last cycle and I probably shouldn't have done a fresh transfer...the doctor literally left it up to a hormone crazy desperate woman to make that decision. I'm hoping the doctor this time will make the decision and leave me no options to freeze all of the embryos (if we are blessed with embryos to freeze) to be transferred when my body is back to normal. I'm not sure if this is an option though because this one round of IVF will be government funded and I'm not sure of the policies. It will have to be discussed with the doctor. And since it is funded, the fertility clinic has a "wait list." The wait list itself is stressful. The way it works is the fertility clinic is funded 9 cycles a week. So the first 9 women to call in with their cycle day 1 get to do the cycle that week. The other women have to wait until their next cycle and hope they are one of the first 9. How stressful is that for a woman who is already stressed? This is another reason why we would like to do IVF before the wedding. Potentially, we could be on that wait list for quite a while. Another reason why we want to do it before the wedding is because it is funded and there is no guarantee of how long that funding will be in place. Before, since my tubes are blocked, I had 3 funded rounds of IVF, which I used one of. I thought I had two more that I would be able to use (which was a bit of a security net if the first round didn't work) but with the new funding, I only get one. I am very grateful for this, but very stressed. We will have to pay for the cost of the fertility drugs on top of the funding.

If the IVF doesn't work, I'm not sure what we will do. I don't know how we would afford to do another IVF cycle and medication out of pocket because it's not just our desire to expand our family that we have to focus on, we have two precious children at home that need us and when I put $15,000 into prospective, that's an education for one of them. I'm just so frustrated that my body is broken. And I have a lot of guilt that Chris has to go through this because of me. And I have a lot of guilt that I may not be able to give him a child that has his beautiful eyes (I was lost in his beautiful eyes the first day I met him) or his contagious smile.

We have an appointment scheduled for April 12th with our fertility doctor and I'm really hoping he will have some magic words that will calm me down and relax me.

Friday, 12 February 2016

Saying Goodbye to Finn

Today is a day filled with a lot of emotions. Emotions I’m not 100% sure how to process right now. Finn, my precious embaby, no longer belongs to me. Finn has officially been donated to his or her new family. These last few days have been very emotional for me; I have emotions of sadness and emotions of happiness.

My heart is broken though. I had to say goodbye to my precious embaby. I sat this morning with my email typed and the agreement attached ready to send to my lawyer for 3 hours. I knew that as soon as I clicked send that it was done, that Finn had been donated to his or her new family. It was hard, a lot harder than I imagined it to be. It’s hard to say goodbye. And I don’t really know how to express these feelings. All I know how to express is that my heart is very sad that my baby is no longer my baby.

I am heartbroken having to say good bye to Finn, but at the same time my heart is also filled with happiness. Finn’s new family has already accepted him and welcomed him with open arms. My heart is filled with happiness because I know that they already love him and they are ready to give him the best shot possible.

I find comfort in knowing that Finn’s new family is doing everything possible to have a successful transfer and successful pregnancy. Finn’s new mommy is doing everything that I would be doing myself if I were preparing for a transfer and I find great peace in this. I am also comforted knowing that I have done everything I can for Finn and knowing that his new family is doing everything they can for him.

I am experiencing a lot of feelings right now, but in my heart, I know this is the path God has chosen for Finn and I find the greatest peace in this. 

Monday, 25 January 2016


Finn is my frozen embaby. This embaby was created when I did my first round of IVF and Finn was one of 3. When my marriage fell apart and my ex husband and I went our separate ways, Finn was still frozen. Destroying Finn was not an option but after being given heartbreaking news (that it was unlikely a family would want to adopt 1 embryo) by the only adoption agency in my country that facilitated embryo adoptions, I felt defeated, I felt that there was no other options and my heart was broken.  I prayed and prayed about Finn and cried out many times to God. I begged God to save this precious life, to intervene, to do something. I wrote publicly about it because I was hurting and needed a release. And by God’s grace, He led a wonderful family to my blog and they reached out. They wanted my precious embaby. They wanted to give this precious life the same chance I wanted to give it. They were willing to adopt my one precious embaby and have Finn be a part of their family. I cried that night. I thanked God and cried some more. Tears of happiness, tears of thankfulness, and tears of gratefulness.

It’s been a few months since this beautiful family first reached out to me. After getting to know this family, my heart felt at ease and I knew this was God’s plan. God answered my cries. God is good!

As the day nears that Finn will leave my family and join their family, I am getting nervous and excited. Nervous because I so badly want this to result in a live birth for Finn’s new family and excited because I am so hopeful that it will! I pray and pray and pray and I believe this has been God’s plan all along, it may even be the reason why I felt that I needed to start a blog, not just to try to help other infertility warriors and use it as a coping tool for myself, but because God knew all along that Finn belonged to another family and my blog was how God was going to introduce us. 

Thursday, 7 January 2016

Currently, I am...

Currently, I am...

Enjoying: My engagement!!!!!!

Feeling: Hurt. I have been so excited about my engagement to Chris and couldn't wait to ask my best friend to be my maid of honour. Unfortunately, when I asked her she said no and the only reasoning I got was that she felt like she wouldn't be good at it. 

Wishing: For my engagement ring to come back from the jeweler. It's in being sized right now. It should have already been sized but somehow there was a mix up and my ring never got sized. 

Loving: My beautiful ring and being able to call Chris my fiance! I love that Chris gets excited about our wedding and shares in my excitement when I show him things I have pinned. 

Hating: The cold weather. With this cold weather brings about dry hands for me. It seems that no matter how much hand cream I apply, my hands still crack. And it is painful!

Anticipating: Our upcoming snowboarding trip to Mont Tremblant. I can't wait to spend a few days away with my future hubby!

Watching: The Making of a Murderer. Chris loves documentaries and we were looking for something new to watch since we finished The Office. We have watched episode 1 so far and I'm sure tonight we will be watching the second episode.

Tuesday, 5 January 2016

A Very Special Christmas Eve

I wrote this post for my Dirt, Worms, and Little Toes, but I had to share it here as well. It's a pretty special one.

I love the holidays. There is something about Christmas time that makes me feel so happy inside, all warm and fuzzy. This year, I could not wait for Christmas. The only thing better than Christmas as a child is Christmas when you have children. 

Last year, Chris and I decided to make wrapping gifts on Christmas Eve a tradition. It's fun to just lounge around in comfy clothes, sit by the fire, sip on wine, and wrap gifts for the people you love. So that's exactly what we did. A Christmas story was on in the background and lucky for me, it got switched out for Christmas music instead. The Christmas music led to dancing while we were putting the wrapped gifts under the tree, which I loved.

As I was putting the last gift under the tree and fixing the gift tag on it, Chris said my name. When I turned around, he was down on one knee with a ring box in his hands. He opened it and asked me to marry him. I was in shock, completely surprised. I let out a surprised gasp and heard Chris say "well?" to which I responded "YES! YES! YES!" 

I am happier than I have ever been before. Chris has shown me what true love is and what true love feels like and I cannot wait to be his bride and future wife. He is my Prince Charming, the one I thought only existed in fairy tales. Chris is my happily ever after!