Sometimes I don't know how to feel. I don't think that is really the right way to put it. I have a lot of feelings, I am an emotional person and I express my feelings openly. But sometimes I don't know how I am supposed to feel.
How am I supposed to feel about my infertility? Because most days I just hate it and I want to scream and cry and be angry and mad and scream to God "why me?!?!" Sometimes I want to be mad at God. Sometimes I am overcome by so much grief from my infertility that I don't know what to do. It's in these moments that I try my best to throw it all at God, literally throw my feelings at Him because I feel like such a mess emotionally inside that I don't know how to just hand it over to God so I throw it at Him. All of my anger, sadness, bitterness, fear, all of it.
But why me?! I feel as though I know the answer to this. Sometimes I feel God softly whispering to me through my tears "sweet child, because of Joshua, because I chose you to be Joshua's mommy." Joshua's sweet blue eyes instantly bring me back to the very reason why I would never change the infertility I was dealt. It's because of Joshua's laughter that fills our home, his sweet hugs and kisses that he always has for me, and his beautiful gentle soul that reminds me of why God chose all of this for me.
I thought I could walk bravely with the pain of infertility, but it is something I can't do alone and it's in those moments that God picks me up, never caring that I am angry or bitter or defeated or broken, and carries me through until I walk on my own two feet again.