Monday, 11 April 2016



Tomorrow is the day that Chris and I go see the fertility doctor to discuss our future. I'm not exactly sure how this appointment will go. It can go so many different ways that it is overwhelming to think about. Am I nervous? Yes. Scared? Yes. Anxious? Yes. Do I have any positive feelings toward this appointment? No...because fear has taken over. Fear of the unknown. my mind is full of "what ifs".

What if we don't receive the government funded IVF (because the fertility doctors get to pick who gets it and who doesn't)?
What if we aren't able to freeze all of the embryos and have to wait to do a cycle and hope that there will still be funding available when we are ready to have another baby?
What if we are candidates for the funded program and we can freeze our embryos and I am not one of the first 9 women that week that call in with their cycle day 1? How long will I have to wait?
What if it doesn't work?

And my biggest what if and biggest fear:
What if I can't give Chris a child that is genetically his?
I know he loves Joshua and Grayson as his own and there has never been a question of that but I want so badly to give him a child that is genetically his.

I hate all of these what ifs and I know this is all out of my control, but I'm having a really hard time just letting all of this go.

Church was amazing this past Sunday and it was all about worry. It's as if God had this one planned just for me. I know I need to let my worries go to God but right now I am having a hard time. But when I am able to let it go to God, the peace I feel is incredible.

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