Infertility etiquette...who knew there was such a thing? Well, there is and anyone who is going through or has gone through infertility would agree with me (or at least I think they would) when I say that everyone should know it.
Shortly after my hubby and I had undergone our first transfer, during our two week wait, I was completely dumbfounded by something a family member announced. Our entire family knows about our struggle with infertility so when we have gatherings, I assume I won't have to try and dodge anything that would be upsetting to me. Well, I was completely shocked when I was told that someone I don't even know is pregnant. The look on my face probably said it all. All I could manage to spit out was "that's nice" when what I really wanted to say was "do you just realize what you said to me?!?! How do you expect me to be happy for someone I don't even know? Woo hoo, yippee, hooray for them...not really."
Later on when this issue was addressed, I was the bad guy because I was being selfish and I should always be happy for everyone. Yes, I should be happy for everyone but these things need to be addressed in a delicate manner when it comes to me. I'm not saying I don't want to hear about it, because I do. I want to share in the happy news if it's a family member or friend who is blessed with the miracle of pregnancy, but in all honesty, I don't want to hear about a complete stranger's pregnancy. If you are so elated that they are pregnant, please share this news with someone who knows the happy couple or someone who is not me. And if it is a friend or family member, please be delicate when you tell me. Please understand that yes I will be over the moon happy for you, but I will also be sad for myself and will need to have a pity party on my own.
Another thing I am sick of hearing is "God has a plan for you" or "You need to be patient and wait for God's perfect timing" or "Maybe God didn't want you to have kids" (am I really that horrible of a person that God would make me infertile because He thought that I would make a horrible mom?). When people mention God, I wish there was a door beside me so I could slam it in their face and get on with my day. Don't get me wrong, I am a strong believer in God. God is my Savior. I know God has a perfect timing for everything and that God has a plan for me. I know that the reason why we are infertile was to be blessed with the adoption of our son. If we were fertile, we would have never adopted. And the reason why the first baby we were hoping to adopt did not end up going through is because God had planned right from the beginning for us to be J's mommy and daddy. I understand all of this and this is why I don't need someone to remind me of this.
On a daily, weekly, monthly (especially monthly), and yearly basis I mourn the loss of a child who would have a combination of my features and my husband's features. Each month when my cycle starts up again, it's heartbreaking for me because I always hold on to the hope that maybe, just maybe, we are pregnant. All I can do is sit there and cry, have my pity party, and move on with my day and grieve the loss of a child we may never know.
I think the one thing that upsets me the most is when a pregnant woman complains about her pregnancy. Are you really going to complain about how you are feeling while your body is growing a miracle inside of you? Be grateful that you are able to know what this experience is like because let me tell you, I would do anything to have morning sickness for 9 months straight, swollen feet that have doubled in size, aches and pains. Anything pregnancy related, I would love to have because it would mean I was actually pregnant.
Finally, if I don't talk to you about, don't bring it up to me. I know everyone is just trying to be supportive and let me know they care. The best way to do that is to just be there when I need you. In the meantime, pray for us. You don't even need to know what to pray for...God knows everything and He will know exactly what to do with your prayers.