Have you ever had the feeling of being totally helpless and totally out of control? Anyone with infertility can understand this. Infertility is one of the biggest challenges in my life and stemming from that, is the process of adoption...BIG challenge.
After our first experience with foster with a view to adopt, my husband and I were very hesitant about trying again. We thought maybe we should only have our names on a list for a child who is already a crownward and is adoptable. BUT, we were told we could be waiting years. Years? Gulp! We didn't want to wait years...we want a family and we want one now. If we didn't have the infertility problem weighing us down, we would have already started our family. So instead of waiting any longer, we decided to jump back in about a month later and have our names added back to the list. And then the waiting game started again.
We had only been back on the list for about 3 weeks when I received a phone call at 8:50pm. They had another baby for us. He was not born yet and was due in the middle of July. The social worker informed me that we were the only family chosen for this child. We agreed to meet with the social workers in the morning to discuss the case. That night, I said a prayer to God...I wrote the short prayer in my journal:
God, Thank you for your many blessings and this beautiful surprise. I pray this child of Yours will be Your perfect timing for us.
The next morning, we met with the social workers and the child's protection worker. They were all fantastic. They told us as much as they could and we were told this would be a low risk case. We decided to go ahead to be this child's foster with a view to adopt home. And then we played the waiting game...
The baby was born a week late and we welcomed him into our home when he was 2 days old. He was absolutely beautiful. We fell in love with him right away, but I could feel that my heart was guarded. Even though I loved this child, I wasn't attached like I should be. I felt like if Children's Aid came to me and said he would be leaving, I would have been ok with that (and I HATE admitting that...I cringe now just typing that). Well, after having this new bundle of joy in our home for 2 weeks, it was as if God had spoken to me and was giving me the answer to all of my unanswered questions and answering my prayers. The walls around my heart came crashing down and there was no turning back. In my heart, I knew this precious baby boy a gift from God. God has chosen my husband and I to raise this child. I knew deep in my heart that we would be this boy's forever home; this is my son. Four months after he was born, Children's Aid was granted crownwardship. This little boy's birth parents made a tremendously hard decision to give us their son. They wanted him to stay with us and give him the life that they could not provide. I was speechless when the protection worker told us the news. The next 30 days were the most nail biting, heart racing, scary days of my life. The birth parents had 30 days to change their minds on the decision they had made. On Christmas Eve of 2012, it was official, we would officially be adopting this little boy. On June 21, 2013, we happily went to court and had the adoption finalized.
I am the proudest mother ever. I love this little boy more than I have ever loved before. I love him so much I feel like my heart is going to burst. My husband and I are so blessed by God. I never understood why God would have it in our plans to be infertile. I never understood why God would give us a child for 2 months, only to have the child leave our home. I never understood why God was making us go through all of these struggles and pushing us to limits. Now I do. If we had been fertile, we would have never adopted. If the first child did not go back to biological family, we would have never been put back on the list to adopt again. If these events had not happened in our life, where would our son be now? As I'm typing this, I'm looking at a photo of him and it brings tears to my eyes. I am the happiest mama out there. I am so blessed and so thankful to God.
I've learned that God has perfect timing for everything and it cannot be rushed. If something does not go the way you thought it should, it's because it was not God's will, nor was it God's perfect timing. Be patient, pray, and wait for God's answer. He is always listening.