Tuesday, 29 October 2013


Fear is something you don't want to carry with you while you are pregnant but it seems fear follows me and is there at every corner.

This morning I started to bleed pretty heavy. It was enough to soak through my underwear. I was in tears. I called my nurse right away and I was told to come in for an ultrasound. At the ultrasound I was able to see the gestational sac and the yolk sac. It was incredible to see. My cervix was still closed and the doctor said there wasn't much he could do because it is so early. If I miscarry, it will come as a heavy period (which I know from experience).

I'm praying so hard that the bleeding will stop and God will sustain the life that is growing inside of me. I'm so thankful for this miracle that God has blessed us with.

Monday, 28 October 2013

I Need God

If I didn't have God, I don't know where I would be. God has guided me through this life, this life that has had so many ups and downs. He holds my hand and walks along side me, never leaving my side.

I was reading a devotional today and this verse really spoke to me:
The Lord says, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you. Do not be like a senseless horse or mule that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control." Many sorrows come to the wicked, but unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord. Psalm 32: 8-10
It lead me to dig a little deeper into the Bible and here are some more verses that I am drawn to at this time in my life:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail. Isaiah 58:11
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5
"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of the old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:18-19
Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! Psalm 27:14
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16 
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 
If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. John 15:7
Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Psalm 119:105



Thursday, 24 October 2013


The past 2 years, I feel like all I have done is waited. It seems like I wait, and wait, and wait some more. And let me be honest here, I'm not very good at it!

With adoption...

- I have waited for CAS to approve us for adoption
- Waited for CAS to call us with a potential match
- Waited for the child CAS has called about to be born
- Waited for the child to be released from hospital and welcomed into our home
- Waited for CAS to get Crown Wardship
- Waited the 30 day period when birth parents can change their mind about revoking their rights as parents
- Waited for adoption probation (CAS puts you on adoption probation once they have been given crown wardship...you are put on adoption probation until the adoption is finalized)
- Waited for a court date to be determined to finalize the adoption
- Waited for the court date to finally come

After all of the waiting with adoption, I didn't realize we would be waiting with IVF as well.

With IVF...

- I have waited for baseline bloodwork and ultrasound to come back before being referred to an OB/GYN
- Waited for the OB/GYN to run tests to see what the problem is
- Waited for the OB/GYN to refer me to the fertility clinic
- Waited for the fertility clinic to run more bloodwork and to do more ultrasounds
- Waited for an orientation appt with the fertility clinic
- Waited for my period to start so we could begin our first IVF attempt
- Waited for results of bloodwork and ultrasound to get the go ahead to start injections
- Waited for many blood test and ultrasound results in the course of 2 weeks while I was injecting myself with hormones daily
- Waited for the egg retrieval
- Waited for the results of how many eggs were retrieved
- Waited for pain from mild ovary hyper stimulation to subside
- Waited for the results of how many eggs were fertilized
- Waited for the result of how many fertilized eggs turned into embryos
- Waited for my first embryo transfer
- Waited for lab results to see how many blastocysts were frozen
- Waited for blood work to see if I was pregnant
- Waited 6 weeks to finish my miscarriage
- Waited 2 menstrual cycles to start the process of transfer #2
- Waited for my 2nd menstrual cycle to start
- Waited for several blood work and ultrasound results to come in over the next 2 weeks while I started taking progesterone...they had to monitor my uterine lining to make sure it was thick enough
- Waited for my transfer date
- Waited anxiously for the fertility team to come in on my transfer day and give me news of our blastocysts and if the first one survived the thaw (it did!!!)
- Was put on the two week wait to see what would happen
- Couldn't wait a full 2 weeks and after 6 days took a pregnancy test
- Waited 11 days to have a blood test (instead of the 13 they originally intended)
- Waited for the results of the blood test

Now I have to wait for an ultrasound on Nov. 15. I'm praying God sustains this life He has blessed us with and we see a healthy heart beat and a healthy baby!!!

Waiting is not something I enjoy doing. With adoption, all of our waiting was SO worth it. We have been truly blessed with our son...God has been so good to us. With our pregnancy now, God has blessed us with a miracle and I pray He continues to take care of our little one.

Matthew 19:26 "Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

Tuesday, 22 October 2013

6 Day Transfer

Throughout my posts, I've referred to my transfer as a 5 day transfer...that's because it's the norm. Our blastocysts were actually frozen on day 6, so technically I had a 6 day transfer.

Below is a picture of all of the tests I've taken (I've marked them as a 6 day transfer).

I've saved all of my tests in a plastic ziplock bag for now. I still like to look at them every now and them...they definitely bring a smile to my face. I'm still in a daze about being pregnant. It is such a miracle. 

Yesterday I went out and bought prenatal vitamins for the first time...EVER. I know it seems small but these small things make my day. 

Monday, 21 October 2013

I Can Finally Breathe...Blood Results Are In

Having to wait until the afternoon to receive the blood test results seemed like I had to wait an entire week. I started to wonder how long it takes to analyze blood and wondered if my phone was working properly and eventually had to tell myself to stop being so ridiculous.

The nurse called at 2:10pm with good news. At luteal day 18, they like to see the hCG level above a 200. I'm at luteal day 15 and my hCG is at 456!!! I'm so thrilled!! It was like music to my ears. We talked about my spotting and she said some women do experience some spotting in pregnancy and to call the clinic if it turns into a bright red flow. I haven't seen anymore spotting since late this morning and I'm so grateful to God...I pray He continues to work on this miracle that is happening inside of me.

We go for an ultrasound on November 15 which is my husband's birthday. I pray we see the heartbeat!!

All I can do now is sit back and try to relax and enjoy our pregnancy. It's really hard for me to do that though because we have tried so hard and have waited so long. It's been a very bumpy ride but I know that through God, ALL things are possible.

Praise the Lord!

11 Days Post Transfer and I Don't Know What to Think

I am feeling so many emotions at the moment. I feel like I need to have a good cry and just get it out. Not a few tears sort of cry but a big sobbing is what I need. I started to cry 3 times on my way to work and it's only a 7 minute drive! I cried two times leaving the hospital after my blood work. I'm absolutely petrified and it's the only way my body knows how to release the emotion.

TMI warning....
Early Sunday morning (I'm talking 12:30am) I noticed a bit of pink blood when I wiped and then again on Sunday evening before bed I thought I saw a little bit on my underwear but I wasn't 100% sure. This morning there was a bit more.

I'm so scared that my husband and I are going to lose this pregnancy. This is the time when my period would start so maybe it's trying to do something.

Pretty much, to sum it up, I'm a complete mess right now.

Friday, 18 October 2013

8 Days Post Transfer and Still Just as Anxious

It seems like I have a new routine in the morning...get up and go pee on a stick, or in my case, pee in a cup and add 4 drops of urine to the test. I panicked this morning taking the test because I didn't think the pink line was going to appear...this thought even woke me up in the night. But after about 2 minutes, it showed up. And then I started to wonder if it looked more faint then before. 

All of this worrying is ridiculous. I wouldn't think women who have a "regular" (by regular, I mean don't need IVF to conceive) don't worry this much. 

I've been asking to God to take all of my worries away. I want this to be an enjoyable time...I don't want to constantly be worrying about it. I was more relaxed when I went to sleep last night...God is definitely working in me. 

I called my nurse yesterday to see if I could move up my beta test and she said I could go on Monday as long as I didn't mind going again in 48 hours if the beta number was not high enough to satisfy the doctors. Of course I agreed. I thought it was standard to always have a second beta to make sure the numbers were doubling over 48 hours but at the fertility clinic I go to they only take one beta and then schedule an ultrasound a few weeks later. 

Thinking about all of this stresses me...really, everything is out of my control. This pregnancy is in God's hands and I need to let go of my worry and trust Him completely. 

Here's the breakdown of what our blastocyst (baby) is hopefully doing:

- 1dpt:   Blastocyst hatches out of shell
- 2dpt:   Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
- 3dpt:   Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
- 4dpt:   Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
- 5dpt:   Implantation is complete, cells that will become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
6dpt:   hCG starts to enter the bloodstream 
- 7dpt:   Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
- 8dpt:   Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
- 9dpt:   hCG levels are high enough to detect a pregnancy

Thursday, 17 October 2013

7 Days Post Transfer

Today is 7 days post transfer...can time pass any slower? It seems to pass a lot more slowly at work. When I'm at home I have things to keep me busy...my son keeps me on the go. We have a nice routine when I get home...have dinner, play in the bath, and then playtime downstairs for about an hour before it's time for him to go to bed.

Last night I was really anxious. I would look at the pregnancy tests and wonder. Finally, I broke down and took a test. I couldn't wait...normally they say to take it in the morning but really, I was desperate by this point. I told myself before taking the test that if I get a negative, it may be too early, plus it's the evening, my hCG concentration wouldn't be as high.

My heart sank when I looked at the test...I saw only one pink line...mind you, this was only after 20 seconds, but still. I was filled with an overwhelming feeling of disappointment. I quickly turned to God and said I'm not giving up...I will always have faith. I looked down at the pregnancy test again and I didn't know whether my eyes were playing tricks on me. I saw a very faint second pink line. I was shocked!! I didn't believe my eyes. I grabbed my phone and turned on the flashlight app so I could see it better and sure enough, it was there!!! After all of the negative tests I have taken over the years, I finally saw a second pink line.

My hubby is a night shift worker so he was taking a nap before work but I couldn't wait...I ran into our room, turned on the light, jumped onto the bed and started screeching...I don't think I was making much sense at all. I definitely startled him awake...he thought something was wrong.

I couldn't stop jumping up and down and looking at the little test. I called my best friend next and had to anxiously patiently wait 30 seconds for her to call me back while she got out of the shower (she should have timed that one better in my opinion, hehehe). She was just as excited as me. And she screeched along with me.

I took another pregnancy test this morning and got another faint second pink line. Even though I see two pink lines and am SUPER excited, I'm also extremely scared. We have waited so long for this and what if something happens? We are keeping our faith in God and praying this is God's perfect timing for us. Only He knows our plan and knows this baby's plan. I pray for sustained life for this little blessing. This blessing is already our baby and I'm already in love. I pray God takes care of all of us. God is SO amazing!!

I know the lines are hard to see in the picture but they are there!

Here's the breakdown of what our blastocyst (baby) is hopefully doing:

- 1dpt:   Blastocyst hatches out of shell
- 2dpt:   Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
- 3dpt:   Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
- 4dpt:   Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
- 5dpt:   Implantation is complete, cells that will become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
- 6dpt:   hCG starts to enter the bloodstream 
- 7dpt:   Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
- 8dpt:   Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
- 9dpt:   hCG levels are high enough to detect a pregnancy

Wednesday, 16 October 2013

Just Caved

Ok, so I just caved and bought 2 pregnancy tests...just the cheapy ones from the dollar store...I can't bring myself to spend $20 on two tests if all I'm going to see if a negative.

Now that I have the tests, I feel a bit more in control. I have the option to test whenever I want, if I want. My poor best friend is working overtime right now trying to get me to calm down...I don't think anything can lead a woman's mind astray in the 2 week wait.

6 Days Post Transfer

6 days post transfer and I still feel "normal." The feeling of normal puts me in a panic...I want to feel pregnant, not normal!!

Yesterday I experienced some cramping...not sure what that was all about. I'm hoping it's a sign of pregnancy...that our blastocyst was implanting deeper into my uterus. Other than that, I haven't felt anything...just a bit tired and a bit light headed but that's more than likely from the medication.

Here's the breakdown of what our blastocyst is hopefully doing:

- 1dpt:   Blastocyst hatches out of shell
- 2dpt:   Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
- 3dpt:   Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
- 4dpt:   Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
- 5dpt:   Implantation is complete, cells that will become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
- 6dpt:   hCG starts to enter the bloodstream 
- 7dpt:   Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
- 8dpt:   Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
- 9dpt:   hCG levels are high enough to detect a pregnancy

My mind is completely consumed by the thought of being pregnant...all I want to do is take a home pregnancy test. I'm just so scared of seeing a negative result...I don't want to have to look at another negative test, it's just heartbreaking. By not taking a pregnancy test, I can still be hopeful.

I'm still praying every day!! Praying that we are pregnant and that the life being created will be sustained and we will be blessed with a healthy baby...by God's grace!

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

5 Days Post Transfer

I found this online and I thought I would share it...a schedule of what our blastocyst is doing:

  • 1dpt….Blastocyst hatches out of shell
  • 2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
  • 3dpt.. Implantation begins as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
  • 4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
  • 5dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
  • 6dpt…Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
  • 7dpt…More HCG is produced as fetus develops
  • 8dpt…More HCG is produced as fetus develops
  • 9dpt…HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT!!


It hasn't even been a week since the transfer and I want to know! The 2 week wait seems like an eternity...I could only imagine how things would go over if women had to wait an entire month to find out! Although, in a sense, that does happen sometimes...it happened to my husband and I during our last transfer. We found out we were pregnant, but my hCG levels were far to low. It took a month for my body to miscarry the pregnancy...it's devastating.

Going through another transfer is really bringing out my feelings about my miscarriage...I kind of just brushed it under the rug, but now it's hitting me...it was real, it happened. We were pregnant and we lost our precious gift...the only thing that is comforting is that I will get to hold my baby in Heaven. Everything happens for a reason...sometimes it's hard to understand though.

Good things come to those who wait...does waiting impatiently count as well?

Monday, 14 October 2013


To say the meds are effecting me is an understatement. This evening, my dog got my blizzard off the counter and ate it and I wanted to cry. I was just about in tears over it! I'm still upset about it and its been over half an hour. Ugh.

Sunday, 13 October 2013


Not sure how I'm feeling right now. I'm excited about the possibility of being pregnant, but I'm also extremely scared.  I felt a bit of cramping but it felt more like stomach cramps than anything else.  I'm so worried that the blastocyst didn't latch on. I think it should have by now. Sometimes you don't feel any cramping or see any spotting. I'm still trying to remain hopeful and I'm still praying every day. Without God b my side,  I wouldn't be able to do this. I know God has a plan for me....I pray this is His perfect timing.

Friday, 11 October 2013

Day 1 Post Transfer

I made it through today with relative ease. I didn't think too much about yesterday's transfer. This is how I started off last time. As the days went on, I became more and more curious and it's all I could focus on. I ended up taking a pregnancy test and got a negative. So I was left with a sinking feeling while tying to stay positive. I don't want to do that to myself again. It's an awful feeling.

Thursday, 10 October 2013


Today was our transfer. I arrived at the hospital and received a 'fancy' bracelet with all of my information on it. When my name was called I nearly jumped out of my seat. I walked along a long corridor, undressed from the waist down and walked into the transfer room (with a blanket around my waist...don't know what the point of covering up is when you have to lie on a bed with your legs spread wide).

I waited what seemed like forever for the team to walk in but when they did, they brought amazing news. The first blastocyst thawed with no problem!!! Thank you God!!! God answered one of my prayers. During the transfer, there was only a bit of pain when they stuck the catheter in and ejected our blastocyst from the catheter into my uterus.

It may seem strange, but I told this little blastocyst that I am it's mommy and it needs to latch on to my uterus grow into a healthy baby. I'm praying so hard!!!

God, please let this be the one. Please help and nurture this blastocyst so it can turn into a healthy baby. Give it the guidance, strength, and nutrition it needs. Please help me to remain calm and not dwell on the two week waiting period. I pray You will bless us with a healthy pregnancy that results in a healthy baby.

Wednesday, 9 October 2013


The transfer of our frozen blastocyst is tomorrow. I'm so nervous and I'm worried the blastocyst won't  thaw. And I'm so scared that this won't work. I'm crying thinking about it. I think about all of the women who are in the same situation as I am and my heart breaks for them. I wish this didn't have to happen to anyone.

God, I pray You will keep our blastocysts safe. I pray tomorrow You will keep Your guiding hands on our blastocyst. I pray You will nourish our blastocyst and allow it to blossom into a healthy baby. I pray You will help me relax.

Monday, 7 October 2013


On Saturday I went for an ultrasound in preparation of our transfer. The ultrasound was to check the thickness of my uterine lining. My lining looks good and they are going to go ahead with the transfer on October 10th. So I have to continue with the estrogen and started the progesterone on the weekend.

I'm nervous to say the least. I can't help think about the last time we tried. And I can't help but worry that our embryo won't thaw. We only have two frozen embryos...I feel like so much is riding on this.