Tuesday, 28 January 2014

18 Weeks Pregnant

Yesterday we had our anatomy ultrasound and I was so nervous for it! The ultrasound tech soon eased my mind. She was so friendly and talked with me the entire time. And she was even getting excited when the baby was co-operating and moving around for the perfect shots she needed. At the end of the ultrasound when she pulled the roll of pictures she printed for me she said that she got a little crazy. She had printed 6 photos, which I was so happy about.

Afterwards, I had an appointment with my OB. There was still blood noted on the ultrasound, but this time there didn't seem to be any blood behind the placenta, just in front. The placenta is also sitting low. She said that it could still move and it's not a big concern because right now it is not blocking the cervix. If it stays low and does block the cervix, it would mean a c-section for sure. About the blood, she didn't seem too worried. She said they were keeping a close eye on me so I shouldn't worry.

And here's the 18 week update...

How far along? 18 weeks (18 weeks, 2 days)
Total weight gain? 12.5 lbs (I was weighed yesterday at my appointment. My OB noted my weight gain was not to little and not too much)
Maternity clothes? Yuppers
Stretch marks? None yet...but I need to start applying my lotion more regularly, especially over my abdominal scar!
Sleep: In the past week, I've been finding it harder to fall asleep. Normally, I would be asleep by 10 but now, as soon as I go to bed, I'm not tired.
Best moment this week: Seeing our baby in the ultrasound yesterday and finally hearing the heartbeat...it was music to my ears!
Miss anything? Hot baths
Food cravings: Sandwiches with sliced cheese, mayo, mustard, and ranch dressing heated on my sandwich maker...I want one now!
Showing? Yes...I love the middle of the night once the bloat has disappeared and I wake up. I lie on my back and you can completely see the uterus popping out...it's so cute and I love to rub my belly when it's like this :)
Gender: It's a BOY!!!!! I am so excited!!!!! I can't wait to go through our son's old clothes and have all of those memories of when he was so tiny come back.
 Labour signs: No
Symptoms: Heartburn...I caved and ended up buying Tums to have on standby just in case. Tums make me gag at the best of times so I bought these mint ones...double duty, fresh breath and heartburn relieve. I've also learned that chewing gum helps as well so I do that first.
Belly button in or out? In
Wedding ring on or off? On
Happy or moody most of the time? I seem to be pretty happy
Looking forward to: Feeling the first kicks and punches from this little guy...he was moving around a lot during the ultrasound so hopefully I start to feel those kicks soon :)

Saturday, 25 January 2014


It seems that the days leading up to an ultrasound cause me a lot of fear. Fear that something may be wrong...a fear I don't think I would have it we conceived on our own without fertility treatments. It's a fear of knowing all that could go wrong.

The only way I can describe the fear or the nervousness is being similar to the two week wait fear. I was pregnant until proven otherwise and that's how I feel leading up to ultrasounds. I'm pregnant right now but that ultrasound could say something else.

It\s a strange feeling to carry with me and I only seem to carry it with me in the week leading up to an ultrasound. I'm hoping that once I start feeling the baby move and kick regularly that I won't have this unnecessary worry.

Only two more sleeps until our ultrasound.

Thursday, 23 January 2014

Our Frozen Baby

I've been thinking a lot lately about our frozen blastocyst. We have one blastocyst that is still frozen. I've been praying a lot about our frozen baby and what we should do with it. I could never have it destroyed...to me, that would be the equivalent of an abortion. This is a baby we're talking about...a baby that is just waiting to grow. It's not just an egg and it's not just a sperm, it's an egg that has been fertilized.

My husband only wants two children, which would mean, that after this one, we would be done. I want at least 3, maybe even 4. The fact that my hubby only wants to is what made me really start praying about our frozen blastocyst, our baby! I started to pray about embryo adoption. I thought this would be a good idea since it would be our only other option, but the more I've prayed about it, the more I feel I can't do it. When we started IVF, I went into it with the mindset of using all of our embryos.

Right now, I'm absolutely torn. I can say 100% that God blessed us with 3 embryos for a reason. One of those babies didn't make it, which breaks my heart and which is why I don't listen to what the doctors say. That embryo was supposed to be our strongest one. According to their grading, it was stellar. But the doctors don't know, they aren't in control. God is in control and God will do what He sees is good. Our other two embryos, the one that is growing inside of me right now and the one that is frozen, couldn't be frozen until day 6 because they were a little behind and weren't graded nearly as high. But there is proof growing inside of me that God is in control. And the amazing thing is, I went into this transfer feeling great. I think the reason for that is because I felt this was God's timing. It was a lot different than our first transfer. Just like two weeks after our son was placed in our home for the possibility of adoption...it just felt different. God had spoken to me and said, "Kelsey, this is it."

The one thing I can't say 100% sure is why God gave us 3 embryos. Why did the first one not make it? Is it because this second baby is truly meant to be ours and God knows we won't be having anymore children? Is it because God has a plan for this third embryo to go to a family that can't have biological children of their own but so desperately want to know what it is like to carry a child? Is it because God knows that in a couple of years time that my husband will come around and want to expand our family and that 3 children will be our limit?

I have no idea what God's plan is but He never ceases to amaze me.

Wednesday, 22 January 2014

17 Weeks Pregnant

I still cannot believe that I am now 17 weeks pregnant. I still remember being six, seven, eight weeks pregnant and praying fervently for a healthy pregnancy and to reach the milestone of the second trimester. Now each day that I don't have any bleeding is a huge milestone for me. At my last ultrasound on December 24th they noted a blood pocket and I had bleeding that day. Since then, I haven't had any bleeding and I'm so grateful for that. I'm praying that it's God's plan for me to just enjoy my pregnancy now without constant worry. It's always in the back of my mind but the thought that God is blessing us with this miracle has moved to the front. 

We have our anatomy ultrasound on January 27th and I'm very excited. We'll be able to find out the gender but that's not what excites me the most. I'm most excited to see this baby moving and wiggling around. To see how big he or she is and to know they are healthy, safe, and well protected. I still get nervous before every ultrasound, especially since they do the entire ultrasound without you being able to see the screen so you have no idea what is going on with baby. You have to wait until the tech is done taking measurements and pictures for the doctor before they let you enjoy watching your baby. At my last ultrasound I must have looked panicked because about 5 minutes into it the tech said the baby has a nice strong heat beat and that's the only thing she said the entire 30 minutes!! 

Now for the fun part...I'm going to start tracking my pregnancy each week. It's something I thought I would never have the opportunity to do and I don't want to take any little thing for granted.

How far along? 17 weeks (17 weeks, 3 days today...I'm a little late on this)
Total weight gain? 10 lbs 
Maternity clothes? Pants are a must! And I have to say they are the most comfortable pants I have ever worn. I'm hoping to buy a few maternity tops soon. 
Stretch marks? Not yet
Sleep: Every time I need to change sides I wake up but luckily, I've been able to fall back asleep right away. There's been a few nights where I've been wide awake.
Best moment this week: Realizing that when I'm lying down my lower abdomen is hard
Miss anything? I miss not being paranoid all the time. I worry about EVERY LITTLE thing at the moment and when my son is not with me, I feel such a heaviness in my heart...it makes for a long work day. 
Movement: Not too sure. Sometimes I feel like I have restless leg syndrome in my belly...that's the only way I can describe that feeling.
Food cravings: My mother-in-law's Mexican beans and rice, Enchiladas, DQ's oreo brownie earthquake blizzard
Anything making you feel queasy or sick: Raw ground meat and sometimes food in general
Showing? Yes :) Some of it is still bloat I think though.
Gender: We find out in 5 more sleeps. I think boy, hubby thinks girl, and little mister thinks alien
Labor signs: No and I hope not until this baby is fully cooked
Symptoms: My breasts are huge! I just bought new bras and I think I'm going to need more. My belly is getting bigger each week. Heartburn. 
Belly button in or out? In
Wedding ring on or off? On
Happy or moody most of the time: I can be pretty moody, especially when I'm tired or my body is exhausted but I am overall over the moon happy to be pregnant.
Looking forward to: Our ultrasound on January 27th

Monday, 6 January 2014

Being Robbed by Infertility

I never thought I would be 15 weeks pregnant and still constantly worried. I think this has a lot to do with being infertile. You try for so long for this miracle and wait what seems like an eternity and when you finally become pregnant, all you can do is worry.

Maybe I was wrong to think that once we became pregnant, things would finally be normal, but I should know by now that my body never likes to keep things normal...it's more on the wild side. After my two blood pockets had disappeared, I was relieved and really starting to relax, but after a third one was spotted, I'm just thinking "what the heck body, get your stuff sorted out."

I am praying desperately that God keeps this baby safe and the blood pocket doesn't do anything to harm the baby. And when the doctor mentioned the placenta briefly, I began praying about it as well.

Everything is in God's hands and I know I need to turn my worries over to Him. When I remember to do this on a daily, sometimes hourly basis, I feel so much better. That sense of peace can only come from God.

It is still my greatest wish that no other family would have to go through infertility. It's heartbreaking and it wears you down. It never seems fair and you're left wondering "why me?" Not everyone is as lucky as my husband and I and find the answer from God so quickly. If God didn't give us the gift of infertility, we wouldn't have our precious son. Our son is the only reason why I would ever refer to infertility as a gift because he is truly a God given gift that came to us because of infertility. It's hard to explain and I'm sure a lot of people with infertility issues can't relate to that statement right now, but it's how I feel. Just like being sick with Ulcerative Colitis, it was a gift from God. I believe everything God gives us is a gift if we choose to seek God and find the "why."

Friday, 3 January 2014

You Are One of My Most Complex Patients

'You are one of my most complex patients' is not something you want to hear from an OB, especially a high risk OB. I'm very grateful my doctor sent me to a high risk OB. It was a long wait to be seen but worth it to know I'm going to have good care. The OB discussed the bleeding that I've been having and notes that the NT ultrasound also found another blood pocket. She also mentioned that the scan picked up blood in the placenta (or maybe around the placenta) but when she used her bedside machine it didn't pick it up but she did say the placenta looked healthy. She mentioned that the bleeding could cause preterm labour and may cause the baby to be small so they will start growth scans regularly sooner than normal.
She also talked about the fact that I have Thalassemia and she's going to send me for further testing to see what type it is because it can also can some issues with the pregnancy. The biggest issue it is causing me right now is a low red blood count.
Finally, we discussed my previous surgeries. She told me that if I wanted to have an elective c-section she would be completely okay with that. She said I may have to have a c-section regardless because pushing out a baby could cause a lot of damage to what's been fixed. She's going to talk to my surgeon and see what she would recommend. She also told me that if I have a c-section, it's going to take a lot longer than normal and that she will have a general surgeon present as well. Because of this she said of I delivered vaginally, it wouldn't be ideal if I needed an emergency c-section.

So that gives me a lot to think about. I'm praying a lot about it and I know God will give me the answer. I'm also continuously praying that God will keep this baby safe and we will be blessed with a healthy baby at the end of this pregnancy. I can feel God with this baby and I all the time. Especially when I'm bleeding. It's as if God is telling me to just relax and that He has everything under control.