Thursday, 28 November 2013

Lil Bubs

I had my fourth ultrasound today at the clinic and needless to say, I was so nervous. Excited, but nervous. Once I was on the table, I lied there holding my breath. We saw the baby on the screen and then, we say lil bubs wiggle!! Lil bubs was having a great time moving around. It's such an amazing thing to see. To know that miracle is growing inside of you.

The doctor still saw a blood pocket on the screen, but it was smaller. And the second blood pocket was gone! God is definitely listening to all of my prayers.

Lil bubs measured a day ahead (last time bubs measured a day behind). We are 9 weeks and 5 days along. I'm not sure what will happen next. When my next ultrasound will be (I have a feeling it won't be until 20 weeks), when I'll have my first appointment with my OB/GYN, when I stop my medications...I don't really know anything at the moment.

Monday, 25 November 2013


Being pregnant has been very worrisome for me. I wish I could just sit back and enjoy every minute of it but I worry. It's so hard not too but it has gotten a lot easier since I've realized that no one has control over this life except God.

At my last ultrasound on Nov. 15, the doctor noticed two blood pockets around the gestational sac, so I'm worried about that. I pray they go away and they don't harm the baby or anything the baby needs. I've gotten used to seeing doesn't come by surprise anymore. It's nice when I don't have it, but when I do, I'm not surprised. It still worries me, but I hope it just means the blood pockets are leaving.

I have another ultrasound on Thursday and I CANNOT wait. I'm praying for good news...that are baby is healthy and the blood pockets are gone (or smaller in size). I don't know if I'll ever be able to relax and just enjoy being pregnant without worrying; it's just so hard when you want something so bad.

Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Being Sick and Pregnant

It seems the cold bug is popping up everywhere. At home, at work...I knew I was bound to catch it. My hubby has been fighting a cold for the past week, my son has pink eye and an infection under his eye (he seems much better today after only 1 dose of more cuddles for this mama, he just wants to play now), and for the past few days, I could feel something sneaking up on me. Last night I woke up a few times with a sore throat. This morning I woke up with my head completely congested and a sore throat (I can feel the drip from my nose to my throat and it's such an annoying feeling).

Normally, I would run straight for the medicine box and grab some Tylenol Cold & Sinus and take it every 4 hours. Now that I'm pregnant, I don't want to take any chances. I was thinking of making a hot lemon with honey drink but then I read about honey. They say honey is safe to have during pregnancy because your digestive system will absorb the spores that would be harmful to the baby. BUT, in my case, I don't know if my digestive system would do the trick considering I'm missing my colon.

So my only option is to suffer through it. All I can think about it curling up in bed and sleeping. I picture myself with a night cap on and a onesie pajama sleeping peacefully like a baby.

Thursday, 7 November 2013

The Safest Place

I started this blog so I would be able to look back and remember everything about our journey, the good and the bad. Sometimes its hard to write about the bad. I just don't want to think about it let alone remember it. 

This brings me to Monday. I was just about to get dressed for work when I felt a gush. I looked in my underwear and I was bleeding...bright red and heavy. I was petrified. I didn't know what to do. I stopped and I prayed and I asked God to please not do this, please don't let me miscarry. I then called my nurse and they told me to come in for an ultrasound. The entire drive to the clinic I was praying and crying and talking in my head and asking God why this was happening. I was so upset and I told God that I could never hate Him but I didn't know whether I could deal with this. I didn't know whether I would be able to try another frozen embryo transfer. I truly think this would be my breaking point and I wouldn't be able to continue with IVF.

When I got to the hospital for my ultrasound they brought me in right away. I sat on the table and just let the tears roll down my face. The nurse brought me a box of tissue and when the doctor came in and asked me how I was, I lost it. I couldn't control my crying. When they started the ultrasound, I couldn't even look at the screen. I was just praying for a miracle. Begging God for a miracle. 

And then the doctor said, "There's a heartbeat, everything looks good." I couldn't believe what I just heard. I looked at the screen and could see a flicker...almost like a tiny light going on and off. I cried even more and thanked God. God had given me another miracle. I truly thought I was having a miscarriage. I don't think I've ever been so filled with fear before. God stayed with me and He held my hand the entire time. I wasn't alone at that ultrasound. 

The doctor thinks the bleed was from the placenta hitting a blood vessel or vein. She could see the bleed on the ultrasound and said I would continue to bleed more. I bled all of Monday and Tuesday morning. I had a bit of bleeding yesterday as well, but I didn't panic as much. 

I'm beginning to fully understand that no one has control of this situation. Not myself, my husband, or the doctors. God does. God knows my plan and knows what is good for me. This precious life is in His hands and maybe that is why I've been spotting and bleeding this whole pregnancy. Maybe this is God telling me I need to let go. I need to trust Him 100% no matter how scared I feel. I can't just trust Him 99.9%, that is not good enough. 

So here I am now...I'm going to try to constantly remind myself that this is in God's hands...they are the safest place to be.