Friday, 23 August 2013

Hold On Tight Because This Roller Coaster May Derail

Have you ever had the feeling of being totally helpless and totally out of control? Anyone with infertility can understand this. Infertility is one of the biggest challenges in my life and stemming from that, is the process of adoption...BIG challenge.

After our first experience with foster with a view to adopt, my husband and I were very hesitant about trying again. We thought maybe we should only have our names on a list for a child who is already a crownward and is adoptable. BUT, we were told we could be waiting years. Years? Gulp! We didn't want to wait years...we want a family and we want one now. If we didn't have the infertility problem weighing us down, we would have already started our family. So instead of waiting any longer, we decided to jump back in about a month later and have our names added back to the list. And then the waiting game started again.

We had only been back on the list for about 3 weeks when I received a phone call at 8:50pm. They had another baby for us. He was not born yet and was due in the middle of July. The social worker informed me that we were the only family chosen for this child. We agreed to meet with the social workers in the morning to discuss the case. That night, I said a prayer to God...I wrote the short prayer in my journal:

God, Thank you for your many blessings and this beautiful surprise. I pray this child of Yours will be Your perfect timing for us.

The next morning, we met with the social workers and the child's protection worker. They were all fantastic. They told us as much as they could and we were told this would be a low risk case. We decided to go ahead to be this child's foster with a view to adopt home. And then we played the waiting game...

The baby was born a week late and we welcomed him into our home when he was 2 days old. He was absolutely beautiful. We fell in love with him right away, but I could feel that my heart was guarded. Even though I loved this child, I wasn't attached like I should be. I felt like if Children's Aid came to me and said he would be leaving, I would have been ok with that (and I HATE admitting that...I cringe now just typing that). Well, after having this new bundle of joy in our home for 2 weeks, it was as if God had spoken to me and was giving me the answer to all of my unanswered questions and answering my prayers. The walls around my heart came crashing down and there was no turning back. In my heart, I knew this precious baby boy a gift from God. God has chosen my husband and I to raise this child. I knew deep in my heart that we would be this boy's forever home; this is my son. Four months after he was born, Children's Aid was granted crownwardship. This little boy's birth parents made a tremendously hard decision to give us their son. They wanted him to stay with us and give him the life that they could not provide. I was speechless when the protection worker told us the news. The next 30 days were the most nail biting, heart racing, scary days of my life. The birth parents had 30 days to change their minds on the decision they had made. On Christmas Eve of 2012, it was official, we would officially be adopting this little boy. On June 21, 2013, we happily went to court and had the adoption finalized.

I am the proudest mother ever. I love this little boy more than I have ever loved before. I love him so much I feel like my heart is going to burst. My husband and I are so blessed by God. I never understood why God would have it in our plans to be infertile. I never understood why God would give us a child for 2 months, only to have the child leave our home. I never understood why God was making us go through all of these struggles and pushing us to limits. Now I do. If we had been fertile, we would have never adopted. If the first child did not go back to biological family, we would have never been put back on the list to adopt again. If these events had not happened in our life, where would our son be now? As I'm typing this, I'm looking at a photo of him and it brings tears to my eyes. I am the happiest mama out there. I am so blessed and so thankful to God.

I've learned that God has perfect timing for everything and it cannot be rushed. If something does not go the way you thought it should, it's because it was not God's will, nor was it God's perfect timing. Be patient, pray, and wait for God's answer. He is always listening.

Thursday, 22 August 2013

God Will Never Give You More Than You Can Handle

Our roller coaster ride began about a month and a half after we were approved for adoption. We received a call from Children's Aid that there would be a baby that would need a foster with a view to adopt home. They gave us all of the details that they knew and told us this would be a low risk case...low risk meaning there was a good chance this would work in our favor and the child would become a crown ward. This was great news! We were told there was one other family that they had to interview as well and whichever family the social worker thought would be the best fit would have the child placed with them. This was great news for us because it meant that out of all the families on the list to adopt, we had been narrowed down to a final two. The social worker came out and met with us and then before leaving, we were already told that they wanted us to be the foster with a view to adopt family.

YAH!!! We were ecstatic. Now we just had to wait for the baby to be born. The nursery was already set up and ready to go. We received the call on a Friday and I couldn't have been more happy. I rushed out to the store to buy some clothes with this new bundle of joy to wear. As soon as we met this new baby, we fell in love. You can't help but to love a child. They are just so perfect. So my husband and I went on living our lives with this new little one until two weeks later when the social worker called to say that things had changed, someone had stepped forward, and it looked like the little one would be leaving us. I was devastated! This child I had come to love as my own would be taken away. We were given the option to have the baby placed in another foster home until it was time to say good bye, or the baby could stay with us. Even though it broke my heart, I couldn't send this precious little baby to live with complete strangers just for my benefit. That would have been so selfish on my part. After caring for this precious little one for 11 weeks, we had to say good bye. We were so heartbroken. My heart was so heavy in my chest.

God will never give you more than you can handle...there were times during the adoption process where God was really pushing my limits and having to say good bye to this little baby was one of them. I didn't understand why God was doing this to us. Why He had let us love and care for this little one only for us to have to say goodbye. I had so many unanswered questions but I continued to pray for God's will to be done. It's all I could do and it's all that kept me going.

Wednesday, 21 August 2013

An Excerpt From My Journal

I kept a journal while my husband and I were going through the adoption process and I thought I would share an entry from it. It's dated February 2, 2012:

After my first support group meeting last night, I'm pretty frustrated with the entire process of an adoption. My optimism is slowly turning into frustration. Having a child should never be this hard. Why do I have to complete a homestudy and change my home? Why do I have to complete PRIDE training? Why do I have to take a carseat class? I completely understand why, but sometimes it upsets me because all of this is so draining, it's all so drawn out with no expectation of ever knowing a time when I will be able to call a child my son or daughter. It really is a test of willpower and strength. There is a huge risk involved with the route we have chosen (foster with a view to adopt). At any point, we could have "our" child taken away from us. We won't be able to rest easy until crown wardship has been granted...that on average takes a year and a half through the court system (not to mention, it may never be granted). I will try my hardest to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. And if the worst happens, I need to realize that I gave that child something he or she would have never had.

My husband and I chose the route of "foster with a view to adopt" because Children's Aid would like all children to remain in one home, one forever home. This is what is in the best interest of the child. It's a huge risk and it's very hard. My husband and I knew exactly what we were getting into, but it's next to impossible to prepare yourself for any negative outcome. You can't help but be excited and optimistic.

Our lives turned into a roller coaster ride when we chose the path to adopt. It was probably one of my greatest struggles in life, but God will only give you what you can handle.

Tuesday, 20 August 2013


Growing up, I always said I wanted to adopt a child, but I never thought it would be one of my two options to have a family. When my husband and I were faced with infertility, we thought long and hard about the pros and cons of adoption and IVF. We came to the decision to try adoption because there are so many children in this world who need a loving family. Unfortunately, we were not prepared for the cost of an adoption. A private adoption in your own country costs anywhere from $20,000+ while a private international adoption costs anywhere from $30,000. I would never put a price on having a family but we don't have that kind of money growing on a tree in our yard. Our only other option would be a public adoption through Children's Aid. My first thoughts were "I don't want to do that...I don't want the birth family constantly involved in our lives when we are trying to make our own family." But that is not the case at all. There is a BIG difference between a public adoption and an open adoption. A public adoption simply means you are adopting through your local Children's Aid.

So in April 2011, we began our process of a public adoption. Children's Aid came out to our house and met with us. We were given a HUGE package to complete and police checks were done. We rushed to get everything done so we could start the PRIDE training in the fall since they don't run the training during the summer. In September we started our training and our home studies also begun. It's hard to let a total stranger into your home and have them critique it and have them tell you everything that needs to be changed (like mounting bookshelves to the wall and looking up knife blocks). It was also hard having to go through all of the interviews. My husband and I were interviewed together, we were interviewed separately. We were asked intimate details about our lives and our families' lives. Finally, in December of 2011, we had been approved for adoption!!

And then came the waiting game....

Thursday, 15 August 2013

The Infertile

Growing up, I never expected having a baby would be a problem. I thought it would be like in the movies...boy and girl meet, boy and girl get married, and boy and girl have baby. Boy, was I in for a reality check. Here's how my story goes:

Boy and girl meet. Boy and girl get married. Boy and girl would like very much to start a family. Boy and girl get excited each month at the possibility of a pregnancy. Boy and girl are disappointed each month. Boy and girl go to the doctor and are told they have male and female factors preventing them from conceiving.

Why can life not be like those romantic comedies where everyone ends up living happily ever after? Instead, when you are labeled an infertile, you live a roller coaster ride every single day. I've tried to tell myself that I have come to terms with being infertile and that my husband and I will have to either a) try IVF or b) adoption (I'll talk more about those in a later post), but in reality, each and every month I can't help but be hopeful and each and every month, my heart breaks.

It's extremely hard to grieve the loss of a child that will never have mommy's nose or daddy's eyes. I do this on a daily, monthly, and yearly basis. It never goes away. I will always remain hopeful though and I will always put my faith in God...God has a plan for us...only He knows what is best for us. God has the perfect timing for everything and I'm praying our timing will be soon!!