Thursday, 24 September 2015

Matthew 19:26

Over the past few months, I have been praying about my frozen embryo. I knew the time was fast approaching when the fertility clinic would send a reminder for the annual storage fee along with a consent form to have the embryo destroyed if we chose not to continue storage. Since I am divorced, my options for this embryo was very limited. I was really struggling with even the thought of having to sign a consent form to have the embryo destroyed. I have been very open on my blog and wrote about my conversation with the embryo adoption agency and how defeated I felt and how I had just lost my last hope of giving this precious life the chance to thrive. I felt like a failure, like I was unable to protect this human life. I had failed. That consent form was a consent for me to kill a precious life. I knew in my heart that it was so wrong.

Last week, I wrote about it again, something I wasn’t even going to do. I wrote about how hard of a time I was having with this, about how I did not want to do it, but that I felt I had no other option. I was begging God to do something, to give this embaby a chance. I was asking for a miracle.

God was working on a plan and I had no idea at the time. The next day, a precious family reached out to me. They wanted to talk with me before I signed anything and it halted me in my tracks. A wave of emotions went through me. This was God’s divine intervention. I wasn’t the only one who wanted this precious life, God did as well, and God had the perfect family in mind when His Power brought them to my blog post. God knew a perfect family who also wanted this embaby and wanted to give it a chance at life.

This is another example of God’s perfect timing and the love God has for His children, all of His children.

Matthew 19:26
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." 

Wednesday, 23 September 2015

Two Years Ago

It was two years ago today that I started the process of my first frozen embryo transfer. My period started on my 24th birthday and with it came a miracle that I didn’t know about at the time. On my 24th birthday I didn’t think having my period was a gift. I was angry and upset. I wanted so badly to be pregnant and the last thing I wanted to see was my period. I had mixed feelings about starting the FET. I was emotionally drained, exhausted. I didn’t think I had the energy to do another transfer, to ride that roller coaster of emotions. But my heart overpowered my brain, the voice inside of me gently whispered “this is it Kelsey, you are so close, do not give up, have faith.”

I can still feel that excitement, nervousness, and fear. I can still remember things so vividly. I remember feeling so calm on the day of the transfer. I had a peace inside of me, I was never alone that day, God was definitely the calming presence I could feel inside of myself. I remember walking down the hall to the transfer room and changing out of my clothes. I was wearing a printed maxi skirt with a greenish turquoise coloured top. My nails were painted and they matched my outfit. My doctor even commented on it. I remember lying on the bed waiting for the doctor to come in and let me know how my embaby did with being thawed and the excitement I felt when I was told that he did fabulous. I remember having the ultrasound on my lower abdomen while my precious embaby was being transferred. And then poof, there he was, nestled safe and warm inside of me. I remember talking to my precious baby, letting him know that I am his mommy and he needed to listen very carefully to me when I told him that he needed to implant and stay warm and safe inside of me and grow into a healthy baby that I could hold in my arms. I remember getting up off the bed and walking back into the change room and still feeling that same peace and calm, I was happy…God was telling me that this was it.

And here I am today, on my 26th birthday with my beautiful family and a beautiful baby boy who did exactly as his mama told him. I never knew what a special day my 24th birthday really was, but I do now.

Monday, 21 September 2015

PMS Monster

Something I have really noticed since being pregnant is that PMS hits full force with vengeance. I never thought it was that bad before I was pregnant, but maybe I just never noticed because I had never had a break from it before.

Since the return of Aunt Flow, my PMS has been terrible. I can actually feel it. I get crampy and I become a ball of emotions. I don’t feel like myself because I feel as if I have no control over my own emotions. I can feel frustrations building up and I can’t stop it, and then 5 minutes later, I just want to cry because I can’t control how I’m feeling and so that upsets me. It’s a little ridiculous.

Luckily, I have an amazing boyfriend who understands that his girlfriend turns into this ball of emotions and he just goes along with it, trying to make things as easy as he can for me. 

Saturday, 19 September 2015

That Time of Month

And again, it’s that time of month, the time of month when my period is supposed to show up. I’ve already been feeling the cramping, so my best guess is that in the next week my period will come. I’ve been trying my best to just “let it go” and I’m beginning to realize that a monthly period is a good thing and something I should never take for granted. I am very lucky to have a regular monthly period and I’m beginning to see this. I think I will be okay this month too. 

Friday, 18 September 2015

Let It Go

Last month was the first month in years when I was okay when my period showed up. The first time in years! It just goes to show the strong hold that infertility has on me. It seems that every month, I cannot help myself, I get so hopeful that maybe, just maybe I am pregnant. I know better, I know that I cannot physically get pregnant without the help of IVF. But my heart holds onto the hope that maybe, just maybe God will change this all.

I know my prayers do not go unanswered. I know God is telling me to be patient. I know God is with me every step of the way guiding me through this, but sometimes I cry out in prayer, praying for it to be easy. I know God feels my fear and worry and I know how it upsets Him. I know there is a lesson to be learned in everything and I have a pretty strong feeling that my lesson is to just let go, to leave it all in God’s hands, in God’s timing. At this moment in my life though, I am really struggling. I’m struggling to let go of that control and to say “here you go God, take this, take it all. I don’t want it, I can’t carry this weight. Take it from me!” God wants to carry this burden for me, so why am I not letting go?


Thursday, 17 September 2015

I Never Signed Up For This

As if IVF isn't difficult enough, having an extra embryo that you are unable to use is heartbreaking. My ex-husband and I, for personal reasons on both sides, do not want to use this embryo. This part is understandable. But the plan was to continue to have the embryo frozen until it could be adopted. That plan fell apart quickly when the adoption agency said there would be a very slim chance of a couple wanting to adopt one embryo. Again, this is understandable. My back up plan was to continue to have this embryo frozen until I did another IVF cycle. If my future husband and I were blessed with more embryos than we were able to use, we would have them adopted and add my one embryo to this group. But my back up plan has also fallen apart, not because I don't want to go ahead with this plan, but because there is also another side that has to be on board, and unfortunately, the other side just wants to be done with it all. It's hard for me to wrap my ahead around. I can't argue with the reasoning either because this is just as much the other party's decision as it is mine, but I will never fully understand it.

How do I sign a consent form to have my embryo destroyed? I am heartbroken. I have to sign a consent form to have my baby destroyed, to give up on it, to not give it a chance to turn into a beautiful life. How do I do this? My beautiful embryo is not wanted, it is only wanted by me.

The consent forms are probably sitting in my mailbox right now. I’ve been avoiding checking it because this is something I don’t want to do. I’m not okay with it at all, but I have no other options.

Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Not So Naive Anymore

Lately, I have been so worried. I can stress myself out very easily and I have been doing that a lot lately. I have been thinking a lot about IVF and my infertility. I know that my boyfriend and I will have to do IVF and it scares me. But here’s the thing, I shouldn’t be worrying about it right now. It shouldn’t be in my thoughts. Our plan is to contact the fertility clinic once we are married. Since age is a factor with IVF, we will start the process as soon as possible. But if I don’t even have a ring on my finger yet or a wedding date set, why am I so worried now? Why can’t I just have a rest from the fear and heartbreak that I live with because of infertility.

I do not remember being this concerned about my first IVF cycle. Yes, I had fears and worries, I had questions and wondered why this was my life, why I was handpicked by God to be infertile. There are still days that I do not feel strong enough to carry this around, days when a pregnant belly will bring me to tears and days that I am so filled with jealousy and hurt. But now, now I know how hard IVF is. I’m not this na├»ve girl who really doesn’t understand how complex IVF is and how small the chances are. I know better now. I know how all-consuming it is. I know that it will be my life in a year or twos time. I know that my life will consist of:

  • needles that are painful and make me uncomfortable;
  •  bloodwork and intrauterine ultrasounds every other day to monitor how the injections are manipulating my body to do things it shouldn’t have to do;
  •  sleepless nights from being uncomfortable and having a restless mind;
  •  the worry of whether or not I will have any healthy eggs retrieved; 
  •  a painful egg retrieval that may result in Ovarian Hyperstimulation;
  •  the worry of whether or not any of my eggs will be successfully fertilized;
  •  the worry of whether or not any of my fertilized eggs will mature into an embryo or blastocyst;
  •  the worry of whether or not we will have any healthy embryos or blastocysts;
  •  an embryo transfer and the hopes of a healthy pregnancy;
  •  the worry of whether or not any healthy embryos or blastocysts will be able to be frozen;
  •  the worry of whether or not those frozen embryos or blastocysts will survive a thaw for a FET;
  •  the stress of the two week wait (the period of time when my mind raises of thoughts of being pregnant and I am so hopeful);
  •  either the happiness of finding out that I am pregnant or the heart breaking devastation of finding out that I am not or that I will miscarry;
  •  lots of prayers.

It is not easy. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I still feel robbed by infertility. I feel that it is not fair that I can’t just get pregnant, that my body doesn’t work that way. I feel heartbroken that I may not be able to give my future husband a child of his own, a child with his gorgeous eyes and beautiful smile. Infertility is a heavy weight to carry around with me all the time, some days more than others. It simply isn’t fair for any family dealing with this disease. At the moment, I feel like a lost scared child and I just want to cry and scream about how unfair it really is.