Wednesday, 25 January 2017

It's Kind of Surreal

Yesterday I had my blood drawn. The first step for me in our journey to have a baby. When I arrived at the blood clinic, I gave my requisitions and she looked up at me and said "woah, this is a lot." At that moment, I felt like I had to explain myself, give some sort of explanation as to why I was having all of these tests done, but instead I just smiled and agreed.

I had 7 vials of blood drawn. She was super chatty at first when she was checking my information but when she began to draw my blood, she stopped talking. I do not like to have my blood taken so talking helps to keep me focused on something else. Well, I was doing my best to focus on anything but I kept thinking about the blood and the vials and how it was coming out of my arm into the vial. It was a little unpleasant and I was happy when it was over. 7 vials of my blood to determine whether there are any underlying conditions and to determine if my hormones are at the levels they should be at.

Even the simple parts of this journey are full of stress and worry.

But it feels surreal that Chris and I are actually doing this. That we have started. We are in this together and doing this together.

Monday, 16 January 2017

Our First Appointment

Our first appointment with our RE went well. He is very nice and took the time to answer our questions, even though the clinic is busy. There are a few steps we need to take first before he can formally refer us to the IVF Funded Cycle. 

We both need to have blood work done and I need to have extra blood work done on day 3 of my cycle. All standard. Another standard at our clinic with IVF is an advanced semen analysis. We cannot be referred into the funded cycle without paying for this first. And finally, I need to have a sonohysterogram, which I am very nervous about. On day one of my next cycle, I need to call the clinic to set that up. 

I am so very grateful that with Chris' new job comes a great insurance package that has a fertility budget for us to use. If this funded cycle does not work, it should cover us enough to do a paid cycle and only pay 80% out of pocket. The funded cycle does not cover medication, but again, I am so grateful for our new benefits. I am also extremely grateful for the funded cycle, I'm just not sure how I feel about the waiting game. IVF and inferitlity is already hard enough on us, having to wait anywhere from 6 months to a year, or longer, seems really unfair. 

Wednesday, 11 January 2017

Is There No Escape?

You would think that there would be some sort of escape from infertility, but the cold hard truth is there isn't. Lately, I am reminded of it everywhere, including my dreams.

Last night I had a dream when I was 40 weeks pregnant. I remember calling the doctor asking if I would be induced since my last pregnancy with Grayson, he got too big for my body and there were some complications and some pretty scary moments. The doctor agreed and he put me on hold while he tried to schedule me in. While I was on hold, I remember feeling pain in my dream and rubbing my sides as if I was having contractions and I was wondering if this was the start.

Then I woke up. And realized it was all a dream. Part of me wanted to go back to the dream but a bigger part of me wanted to wipe it from my memory because it felt like a cruel joke.

Now that Chris and I are starting our journey together into IVF, I'm sure I will have more dreams that leave me feeling helpless.

Tuesday, 10 January 2017

The Start

Thursday will mark the start of mine and Chirs' infertility journey. To say I'm nervous is a complete understatement. I'm scared, petrified, shitting bricks, and any other way you want to name it. I'm scared because this is the beginning of many "what ifs."

We originally had an appointment a few months ago before we had any benefits and the RE gave us paperwork to do bloodwork, an advanced semen analysis, and a hysteroscopy. We decided to wait until we had benefits and that's where we are now.

So this is really happening. So this is the start. I've decided that I'm going to document everything. I feel it's something I need to do for myself.