Thursday, 29 October 2015

Only Just A Dream

Last night I had a really restless sleep. I was able to sleep, but I woke up feeling tired and hating every dream I had. I can remember one dream I was being chased around a hotel and I just kept riding up and down the elevator and switching it up to the stairs at some points in my dream to get away from whoever was chasing me.

But my next set of dreams were so cruel when I woke up. They made me want to cry and I so badly wanted them to be true. I kept having dreams where I would take a pregnancy test and there would be two lines, both so dark. I had this same dream 3 times last night and each time I woke up I thought about how cruel the dreams were.

I don’t want to have dreams like that because that’s all they are, dreams, dreams I so desperately want to be true. But they are not. They are not my reality. 

Wednesday, 28 October 2015

Embracing Who I Am

Sometimes I feel like the people around me don’t really know who I am. They think I’m this strong girl who is outspoken and opinionated and doesn’t tolerate BS. I do believe I am strong, I’ve been through a lot in life and always try my best to keep my head up and look for a positive, but the rest isn’t who I am. There was a time in my life when I wasn’t as happy as I could be and sometimes I felt like I was just going through the motions of life and not really living life. My unhappiness with my situation made me someone who I wasn’t because I was just so over living the way I was. All I wanted was to be happy and have a happy family.

I was fortunate enough to be given a second chance at happiness. I feel as though all the pieces of me that I had lost for a period of time are back. I have a better understanding of who I am, what I want, and what I need in life. I am not a loud and outspoken person; that was who I was during that period of my life to protect myself and protect my feelings. It was my way of coping.

If I had to choose one word to describe myself it would be sensitive, really sensitive. My feelings can be easily hurt and I can sometimes misinterpret things, which is why communication is very important to me. I have learned that if something is upsetting me, the best thing for me is to talk about it, and talk about it some more if I need to. I am lucky to have found someone to spend the rest of my life with who understands me and fully accepts me and lets me be me.

I sometimes struggle with my sensitivity, but it is something I am learning to embrace.  I don’t always like my sensitivity (like when I take something to heart when I probably shouldn’t) but it’s who I am and I love who I am. I’m far from perfect, but I’m being the best version of me that I know how! 

Tuesday, 13 October 2015


Jealousy, it’s ugly, it’s not pleasant. At this moment in time, I can’t help but feel jealous, and it seems so selfish. I’m jealous of the other women who by a miracle from God have become pregnant naturally. I am so unbelievably happy for them (I get goosebumps when I read their stories) and it just reconfirms how good God is, but I can’t help but wonder why not me? When will it be my turn? Will it ever be my turn? When will I get to surprise C with a miracle? When will we get to surprise our parents? When will we get to defy the odds?

It may never happen for us naturally and right now, that’s a hard pill for me to swallow. I want so desperately to be able to conceive naturally and when it seems to be happening all around me, I can’t help but wonder why not me?

Lately, infertility has been a huge weight for me to carry and it doesn’t seem to be getting any lighter. 

Saturday, 10 October 2015

Because of God

Two years ago today, I had my frozen embryo transfer. I was pregnant until proven otherwise and I was extremely blessed because that otherwise never came. It still amazes me every day when I look in G’s beautiful big blue eyes and see his smiling face. It amazes me how far he has come. It amazes me that he was created in a lab and was closely watched by a lab tech to watch his growth. It amazes me that he struggled a little bit to grow in the beginning, but that hope was not given up on him. It amazes me that he was once a tiny frozen blastocyst. It amazes me how much he went through before he was even transferred inside of me. G was frozen and not used for the fresh transfer because he was not the strongest blastocyst, he was not the “superstar.” But doctors only know so much. It’s because of my faith in God that I know that anything is possible.

As I sit here in awe of my blonde hair, blue eyed beauty, I know that God’s power is far greater than anything I could ever imagine. I know that I needed extra help to get pregnant, but it wasn’t an infertility team that did that for me, it was God. God blessed that team with a special gift and a special calling. God kept me healthy and gave my body the strength it needed to carry a pregnancy. And God blessed that precious life and had a plan for it before I even knew it existed. 

Thursday, 8 October 2015

Two Blogs

I started a second blog a few months ago so I could blog about my life with two little boys and an adoring boyfriend. Just in case anyone wants to check it out, you can click here. I created the second blog instead of blogging on this blog because I wanted to keep the two separate, for me. My infertility blog is full of ups and downs and a lot of raw emotions, I really don't hold back when it comes to my pain and hurt or my happiness and triumphs. But my family blog is always a happy space, and that's how I want to keep it. I want my family to be able to look back on it and see all the happy memories we have shared.

I love blogging about my family and love going back and reading posts. One day, I plan to have my blogs printed, but I'm still not 100% sure on how to do that and how I want to go about doing that or even when. But I do think my blogs will be an amazing keepsake, not only for me, but for my family as well.

Happy reading!

Wednesday, 7 October 2015

It Is None Of Your Business

When are you having more children?
The biological clock is ticking.
Are you starting your family soon?
I know so many people who have adopted/done IVF and then surprise, got pregnant!

To many people, these statements would seem harmless, but to someone who battles infertility every day, they are hurtful and bring up so many emotions. If I am trusting you enough to bring you into my infertility bubble, then I am trusting you to be sensitive to my fragile heart. I don’t expect you to have the magical answer or to come up with some solution as to what might be wrong or what I am doing wrong or to tell me to be patient and keep trying, I am just looking for someone to listen and to know that you are there for me.

And for anyone who thinks it is okay to ask about children and expanding a family, it isn’t. It simply is not because you don’t know their personal situation. You have no idea how painful it is when you ask me when I am expanding my family when I am going through a miscarriage, you have no idea how big of a punch it is when you tell me about some imaginary person who I have never met who got pregnant, just like that, after they adopted or did IVF.

Bottom line is, that is not my story. My story is being written each day and I don’t know what is ahead of me, but at this moment in time, I am battling infertility and just wish these “innocent” questions would stop being asked because you don’t know what is going on behind the scenes, what someone is holding so close to their heart, the pain they keep inside.  

Tuesday, 6 October 2015

An Update

I know there are a few followers who have followed my blog for some time now, so you know that I faced a difficult time in my life when I was pregnant with G. For those of you who do not know, my ex-husband and I separated when I was 9 months pregnant. It definitely wasn’t an easy time in my life, but with lots of prayers and support, my two boys and I pulled through. But I thought I should give a small update on how everything is going, on all sides.

I am officially divorced and with my divorce, I feel a weight has been lifted. I am no longer tied to my ex-husband by marriage and I am able to put that marriage in the past. It has been said that everyone who comes into your life is either for a reason, a season, or a life time and I think my ex-husband was a reason. I say this because we have two beautiful boys that came from that marriage and came from me knowing him, and that is something that I will not regret. My two boys are something beautiful and amazing that came out of something that did not end good.

As for how I get along with my ex-husband, we are amicable. We get along much better now which makes things much easier when co-parenting. Sometimes we don’t always see eye to eye (this isn’t a new thing), but we manage to make things work and we seem to be making things work well.

As for my little family of 3, we are no longer a family of 3, but a family of 4. We are extremely happy and extremely blessed. I couldn’t be any happier than I am watching my boys with C. He has come into our family and from the beginning has loved these two boys as his own.

As for my boys having two families now, that is a good thing. When my ex-husband and I were together, we were not happy and the boys would have grown up with a poor example of what love is because we just couldn’t seem to work together as a team. Now that they have two families, they are going to have an overabundance of love from two mommies and two daddies, and let’s not forget the four sets of grandparents. I accept that my boys will have two mommies, which may surprise some, but I need my boys to be loved and accepted by whoever my ex-husband spends his life with. I want her to love my boys like her own and love them like I do. This is extremely important to me. It was equally as important for any future man in my life, who would become a daddy to them, to love my two boys as his own, and that’s what C has done since he stole my heart.

And as for me, I am happy, really really happy. 

Thursday, 1 October 2015

No Control

I will be the first person to admit that I am not a patient person, I do not like to wait. I want what I want and I want it now, on my timeline. I want to be in control. This has been a huge struggle with IVF. I am completely out of control. I have no control over my body’s inability to get pregnant naturally, which makes me feel like a failure. Why can I not just get pregnant? Why does my body not work that way?

Lately, I have been so hung up on the future and what the future will hold for my family. I know once C and I get married (still impatiently waiting for that ring), we want to expand our family. We want to give J and G more siblings. It makes me upset to think that this will not be an easy process and that there are so many unknowns. It makes me upset to think that IVF may not work for C and I. It makes me upset to think that I can’t just get pregnant and have his children. It makes me upset to think he is going to have to experience this struggle as well.

From the day I told him about my little family, how J is my adopted baby and how G is my IVF baby, he has been 100% supportive. He has not made my infertility a problem and I know he never will. He is 100% on board. His love for me never faltered when I told him that I may never be able to give him a child that has his beautiful eyes. Instead, he told me that it won’t matter because we already have a beautiful family with two handsome little men. This man is my rock, he keeps me strong, and even in my most vulnerable moments he makes me feel safe.

I am still learning that God has perfect timing and life is much easier when I let go of control and give it to God.