Thursday, 12 March 2015

Think Positive...It's What I Keep Telling Myself

I received an email yesterday from the adoption agency with the registration paperwork in it. This is what the email said:

It was nice talking with you. Here's the registration package for you to look at. As I said on the phone, it might be really hard to match just one embryo, but I could keep your info on hand for a little while and we can see what happens. 

Not the most positive email but all I can do is try. I completely understand why it would be difficult. I don't know if I would want to take the chance of spending thousands of dollars for one embryo when there's the chance it may not even thaw. But I'm hoping there's a special family out there who will.

Wednesday, 11 March 2015

It's Started

Baby steps, that's what I'm doing. I called the adoption agency yesterday which happens to be the only one in my province that facilitates embryo donation/adoption. They are a Christian agency and want to give couples the option of embryo donation as opposed to the only options our clinics give us, which is destroy the embryo or donate it to science.

It was scary to call. I found myself listening to the phone ringing on the other end and my heartbeat racing. One of my biggest concerns was that they wouldn't accept just one embryo. And there's some good news and some bad news to this. I was told that couples who participate in this program still have to pay the same adoption and legal fees for one embryo or a group of embryos. I was told that some couples will pay these fees for just one embryo but it doesn't happen very often. The agency will be sending a registration package from the father of the embryo and I to complete and send back.

To me, this is the only option I have. I can't let a perfectly good embryo be destroyed. I know I am asking a lot of a family to spend thousands of dollars on the chance that this embryo may not even thaw, but to me, this is my baby, my baby who could make another family complete. My ex and I have agreed to keep it frozen until we find an adoptive family, so if it takes a month, a year, or years, I refuse to give up on giving this little baby the chance at life it deserves and the loving family it deserves.

Tuesday, 10 March 2015

The Future

I've been thinking a lot about the future lately and that's probably because my boyfriend and I have been talking a lot about our future together. We're planning on buying a home together and I couldn't be more with this amazing man is incredible.

With thinking about our future, I also think about our family growing and it worries me. There are so many what ifs. What if we can't get pregnant, what if IVF doesn't work, what if I have no good eggs, what if we end up with no embryos? I hate all the what ifs and I hate thinking about them but they are very real for me.

Which makes me wonder if you can ever really "beat" infertility.

I was blessed with a pregnancy and was able to enjoy watching a tiny little boy grow in my expanding belly. Definitely a miracle that I will always cherish. But can I say I beat infertility? I don't think I can...I think I can say I outsmarted infertility and I think that's what everyone who battles infertility can say when they are blessed with a pregnancy, or blessed with a donor or surrogate, or blessed with a beautiful adoption. There are so many avenues to "outsmart" infertility but I don't think there is a way to beat it. Maybe that's not 100% true because there are some families who miraculously conceive which is an amazing gift from God and I love those stories, but nothing was more frustrating for me when people said "I knew you would get pregnant once you always happens." Just like that, as if it's that easy. For one, I don't think they've ever tried to adopt a child (one of the hardest most challenging things I've ever done, but it also happened to be one of the most rewarding things as well) and two, it was 3 letters that made it happen: I.V.F..

My future with IVF scares me. I know I have another difficult road ahead of me, but one thing is for certain, I will try to make the best of it and I will try to stay positive throughout that journey. But like so many others, I can't give up the wishful thinking hope that there will be that one month, followed by another nine, when Aunt Flow doesn't show, when I don't feel that wave of crushing disappointment.

Friday, 6 March 2015

How Do You Say Goodbye?

I try not to think about it and I try to block it from my mind, but sometimes it just creeps in and I can't help but feel an overwhelming amount of sadness. I have a frozen embryo. I can't help but think of my happy 8.5 month old, smiling and giggling at me, thinking this embryo will never have this chance to be my child, to know my love. Some people just see it as an embryo, it's nothing, but to me, that's my baby, my baby that I already love, my baby that I'm already trying to say goodbye to but I just don't know how.

I know my only option for my baby is adoption. The other choices are just not options. I can't just have my baby destroyed or donated to science. It. is. not. an. option. I know there are so many wonderful families who are struggling right now with the grief of not being able to start a family because of infertility.

My sadness and my grief of the loss of this precious baby could change a family's life. It could turn their sadness into their dream come true, into their happily ever after. The thought of this only fills me with joy. It's something I pray about. My grief was turned into happiness when two young people made the decision to bless me with their son. A little boy who makes the world a better place, who has a giggle and smile so contagious you can't help but be happy around him.

But for now, I still try and figure out how to say goodbye. How to move on to the next step of starting the donation process. The first step in saying goodbye.

God never said life would be easy, but I know He will always carry my burdens for me.