100 Days of Pregnancy: Days 82 and 81

I think it is so much fun to see my pregnant belly sticking out. It's not as big as I thought it would be at 7 months, but it's definitely noticeable (it doesn't just look like I have been visiting the ice cream aisle too much).

Before I was pregnant, when I so desperately wanted to be pregnant, I used to sit in nice hot bubble baths just staring at my stomach. This more or less happened when I was bloated thanks to my menstrual cycle. I would stare at my belly (that was a little round from bloat) and just wish it was because I was pregnant and not because I was retaining water. Now (like last night), I sit in bubble baths and just stare at my pregnant belly. And every time I look in a mirror I can't help but to smooth my shirt over my belly and admire it. I'm in awe. Because to be completely honest, I never thought this would be me. I thought it would always just be something that I would watch family, friends, and strangers experience.

But God had other plans for me...so I am trying my best to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy, just in case it's my last. But I'm hopeful that we will have a surprise pregnancy in the future. I think it would be great to have an adopted child, a child from IVF, and then a complete surprise. I also want to adopt again. Since we adopted our son through CAS and CAS's policy is to try their best to keep families together, if either of J's birth parents have another child that needs to come into care, we would be notified first and given the option to adopt his sibling (which we would do in a heartbeat). It would be another roller coaster of working things through the court system and the potential for the adoption to not go through (like what happened with our first experience with CAS), but it would be a chance we would be willing to take.

One of my biggest fears with J is him wondering why we decided to do IVF after we adopted him. I never want him to think that we did it because we wanted a child who was biologically related to us. That would break my heart. That's not the case at all. It was because I wanted to carry a child, feel a child growing inside of me, and to experience labour (if I could have experienced this carrying J, I would have). God made my body to do this and it's something I felt I needed to do. It wouldn't have mattered if we did IVF and used a donor embryo, a donor egg, or donor sperm (and for a while, it looked like we were going to have to use a donor). All that mattered to me was to be able to have the experience of pregnancy, not the biological ties. Yes, it will be neat to see our features in this child, but it is amazing to see how well J's features actually match ours (well, not so much me). Everyone comments on how much J looks like my hubby and how his red hair matches my brother's, and once you get to know J and I, you can see how much he acts like me. Nothing, and I mean nothing, could ever make me love the child I am carrying now more than I love J. I look at J and he is my son. It doesn't matter that I did not carry him or that he is not biologically mine, all that matters is he is my son, my family, and this is how God intended it to be.  I hope if he ever does ask me this when he is older, that he will understand that it was never because he wasn't enough. J is my entire world and I am so glad we decided to choose adoption first.

100 Days of Pregnancy: Day 83

How far along? 28 weeks 1 day

Total weight gain? According to my scale I've dropped a couple of lbs but I'm not sure if my scale is different from the OBs

Maternity clothes? Yes

Stretch marks? Not yet...

Sleep: Sleep isn't a problem...yet

Best moments this week: Feeling this little guy move around more and more

Miss anything? Being able to cut my toenails and shave my legs without having to contort my body into weird positions

Food cravings/aversions: Oranges...I'm ready to head to Florida to get some fresh ones

Showing? Yes

Gender: It's a BOY!!!!!

Labour signs: No

Symptoms: I still have some heartburn but now that I eat smaller meals, it's gotten better. Lots of pressure when I go to the bathroom.

Belly button in or out? In...but I've noticed it's not as deep when I'm lying down.

Wedding ring on or off? Off...I tried to put on a larger ring that I normally wear on my right hand but my skin seems to be extra sensitive at the moment and it was hurting to wear it

Happy or moody most of the time? Emotional would be a good word. I had a co-worker bring me in some chocolate covered raisins and I had to fight back tears.

Looking forward to: My ultrasound next Monday 

100 Days of Pregnancy: Days 85 and 84

Hello Third Trimester! It's amazing to be saying that. Now the next big date is the due date...come on June 29th!

The hubby and I have decided to start doing a cash budget to help set aside a bit more money for my maternity leave. It's also good practice for when I'm off the year because we'll need to watch our spending. So on Saturday night, once J was finally asleep (that was interesting because he learned how to climb over his baby gate...I heard little feet pattering upstairs in the kitchen) I made cash envelopes. There are envelopes for groceries, gas, repairs, medical/dental, pets, clothes/gifts, and entertainment. The way they work is once the money in the envelope for the week is spent, that's it. You have to wait until next week. And any money that is leftover just gets added to the next week. Hubby and I also get our own weekend allowance. This way we can't complain about something the other bought. It's our spending money and we can do as we please.  I'll try to remember tomorrow to add a photo of my envelopes since I can't from my iPad.

As for J being super sneaky and breaking the child lock on his door and climbing over the baby gate, I'm hoping I fixed the problem. I fixed the child lock (it came with a spare part) and raised the baby gate a bit (but not too high because I know he would just climb under it). He can still sometimes manage to out smart the child lock but I'm hoping we can break that habit! 

100 Days of Pregnancy: Day 86

Happy Friday! There's something about Fridays that always puts me in a good mood. I think it has a lot to do with the weekend being right around the corner.

Since it's been raining since yesterday, I decided to go to the gym on my lunch hour and walk a bit on the treadmill. Before pregnancy, I would always walk at 4.0mph (normally I would run, but if I did walk, this was my pace) and now I don't go any higher than 3.5mph and it seems like I'm walking just as fast. I much prefer walking outside, especially with my little mister, but Mother Nature is not co-operating.

As for this evening, once J is in bed, I plan on relaxing...so basically sitting my butt on the couch with my feet up and catching up on Grey's Anatomy. And maybe I'll do a little crocheting as well.

100 Days of Pregnancy: Day 87

I'm finding that as my belly grows bigger and bigger each week, my ileostomy becomes more obvious. It's something I'm not used too because beforehand, it wasn't obvious I had one. Now my ostomy is pretty obvious and it makes me feel a little self conscious, especially when people put their hands on my belly. I really want a shirt that says 'if you didn't put it here than don't touch it.'  Normally I'm not self conscious about it. I have no problem wearing a bikini at the beach (a girl needs a tan), so I'm guessing a lot of it has to do with my hormones and the fact that I have to use a different appliance than what I normally wear (since what I normally wear was only lasting 2 days and it isn't fun or cheap having to change an ostomy that often).

I know this feeling will be short lived and I still plan on taking photos of my bare belly because even with an ileostomy, it's a cute baby bump!

100 Days of Pregnancy: Day 88

Since I talked about our FET yesterday, I should talk about my memories of our adoption (which I remember just like it was yesterday as well).

It was a Tuesday night and I was sitting downstairs with my hubby. We were watching something on TV when my phone rang at 8:50pm. I thought it was odd that a private number was calling. When I answered, it was our previous match worker (their job is to find families for the protection worker that they think would be a good fit) who was just promoted to a supervisor. This really surprised me because it was clearly after office hours. She was calling to tell me that there was a woman who was in labour and that hubby and I were chosen as a match.

And then, my phone battery died. I was so panicked. How could it die during such an important phone call?! I don't think I have ever ran upstairs to our bedroom so quickly to get the charger. After what seemed like an eternity, my phone finally started up again. And I was so relieved when the our previous match worker phoned back. She gave me the few details she knew and that she was hoping to come over in the morning with the protection worker so we could go over all the details of the case and make a decision. We agreed to the meeting.

I was beyond excited. I wasn't sure how I would feel when we got a phone call but all doubts flew out the window. How can anyone say no to a baby? I sure can't (call it a weakness of mine). I sure wasn't expecting a phone call after only being back on the list for adoption for 3 weeks.

That night, I could not sleep at all. I was too excited. Finally, the morning rolled around and the supervisor, protection worker, and another social worker showed up. The first thing they told us was that the birth mom was not in labour. This was disappointing to me because I was so excited. The protection worker (the one who picks the family for the child) told us we were the only family she had chosen (normally, they narrow it down to two families and interview each family and decide at that point which family would be best). Side note: later on she told us she had to fight for us because there was another protection worker who wanted to choose us as well for their case...this made me feel good. She gave us all of the details she knew about the birth mother and father, their families, medical history, etc. We were told this would be a low risk case (meaning there was a very small chance of this baby going back to birth family). After hearing everything, we decided to say yes.

We ended up waiting a little over a month for this little guy to arrive. My heart would skip a beat every time my phone would ring. Finally, on a Wednesday afternoon, just as I was about to leave home to go back to work from my lunch, my phone rang. And it was a private number. Baby was coming!!! At around 9:30 that same night I received a call to say the baby is here. I was so glad the protection worker phoned that night and didn't make us wait until the morning.

When the baby was discharged from hospital, the protection worker brought him straight to our house. And our lives were forever changed.

About 4 months after this little guy was born, he was scheduled for one of his routine check ups at CAS (you have to use the doctor at CAS while the child is in CAS care). The protection worker phoned me shortly before the appointment asking me if my hubby and my mom could come with me. I immediately began to panic. Normally I just go on my own and I knew earlier that day, the protection worker was in court for this case. My heart sank. I was fighting back tears on the way there. I was so sure she wanted them to come with me so I wouldn't be alone for bad news. We were waiting in a waiting area outside of the doctor's office when the protection worker came off of the elevator with a bouquet of flowers and a helium balloon. I immediately went into shock. She couldn't be delivering bad news with a congratulations balloon. She wanted hubby and my mom there to share in the exciting news. They had gotten crownwardship!! I just stood there in shock. I had dreamed about this day and dreamed of how wonderful it would be. And then when it finally happened, I couldn't process my emotions. I just stood there in shock. It didn't set in for a few hours.

That was such a happy day for both of our families. The next happy day came on Christmas Eve, which marked the end of the days the birth parents had to change their minds about relinquishing all of their rights. But nothing will compare to the happiness I felt on the day of happy court. Waiting in a crowded court hallway with other happy families waiting to receive the final adoption record. It was so hot in the hallway. Walking into the court room was a breath of fresh air. It was nice and cool. The court room seemed so big with just the judge, the person taking notes, our protection worker, my parents, hubby's mom (hubby's father was away unfortunately), hubby's sister, my friend, and us. We sat at the very front and J played with a plastic cup while everything was happening. Then the judge made everything official and we were presented with the adoption record. We took a few photos inside the court room to remember the special day.

Adoption is such a special thing. No words can describe it. I know a lot of families worry about adopting and having no genetic ties to the child. Let me be the first to say that I don't even think about that. When I look into my sons big blue eyes (neither my husband or I have blue eyes), all I see is my son. I don't see him as my "adopted" son. He will always be my son and I will always be his mommy. It's surprising how many comments we get of people saying he looks like us. Everyone, including our friends and family, say he looks like my hubby. My mom has even been out with J and has had people tell her they can see the resemblance. We just smile and say thank you.

I love my son's adoption story. I don't think I'll ever forget any of the details. They are tattooed on my mind. It felt like a long road, but his adoption was definitely worth the wait.

100 Days of Pregnancy: Day 89

Wow, only 89 more days until the due date. It's so surreal. I still remember going in for my frozen embryo transfer. I was by myself because someone had to stay home with J. I was wearing a jean jacket, a maxi squirt, and a teal tank top...and funny enough, my nail polish matched my outfit perfect (the doctor even made mention of it). I had to wait a while in the procedure room by myself (when doctors do this, I always have the urge to explore everything). When the doctor, nurses, and lab techs came in, everyone was in a great mood and it made me feel great. I remember feeling so relaxed during the procedure and so relaxed afterwards. I had a sense of calm with me that day.

And I still remember the day I took a pregnancy test. I had gone to the dollar store on my lunch hour and bought two tests. I was feeling so out of control (really though, with pregnancy and new life, it's ALL of our your control...which I have learned now!!) and wanted the option to test if I felt like I was going crazy. And as many women in the two week wait will say, it feels more like a 2 month wait where your mind runs wild. That night I ended up taking a pregnancy test. I figured if it came back negative it would be because it was too early to test and because it wasn't first morning urine. I took the test, gave it 30 seconds, took a peak, and felt a huge rush of disappointment and sadness. I can't explain the feeling I felt when I saw another negative. And then as if God were saying "you are such a silly child, have patience", the faintest second pink line appeared. I was shocked. I have never seen two pink lines before!! I was over the moon singing praises to God.

Picture of me with my first ever positive test

I follow quite a few infertility blogs. Some of the women are currently pregnant (Yah! Congrats!!) and some of the women are still struggling with negative tests and big decisions on where to go from there. All of these women are in my prayers.