Miracle Mommas - Sharing My Story

Recently, I was asked to be a part of a series called Miracle Mommas by Logan of WithGreatExpectation Blog. I met Logan through her blog and she was a great support for me during my pregnancy with Grayson. She had done a FET a week before I did my FET with Grayson. The series, Miracle Mommas, is a wonderful series of women sharing their different stories with infertility. Below is my story that I was honoured to share on her blog. 

Hi everyone, my name is Kelsey and I am the mama to two blessings, my handsome sons. I was honoured when Logan asked me to be a part of this series because I think the more we share and the more open we are about our infertility journeys, the more awareness it brings to others who do not understand what we are going through.

They say the past is the past, but what if your past is affecting your present life? My journey to motherhood begins when I was fourteen and diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. I was young, scared, and didn’t know the full impact this disease would have on me. I was prescribed large amounts of medication to try and control the disease, but eventually, my body stopped responding and I needed to have surgery. After more than 10 surgeries I felt like I finally had my life back. Little did I know that these surgeries would cause problems with my ability to have children.

At the time, I had a feeling that something was wrong. There was a little voice inside of me that kept saying I would have difficulties getting pregnant and that little voice was right. During my final surgery, my surgeon had an OB/GYN come into the operating room to take a look at me from the inside. They concluded that my fallopian tubes were blocked and that I had a large amount of scar tissue, not to mention my fallopian tubes drooped instead of standing up straight and my right ovary managed to migrate to the middle of my body. This is not the news you want to hear as a young woman who desperately wants to start a family.

Now that my fears had been confirmed, I needed to decide what my next step would be: should I adopt or should I do IVF. I was very naïve at the time and had no idea how hard of a process both were. It can’t be that hard to adopt a baby and surely if I do IVF I’m guaranteed a pregnancy, right? Wrong!

With so many children needing a forever family, I didn’t see the need to try IVF. My decision to adopt came easily to me at the time, it's where God was leading my heart, but that doesn't mean my journey through adoption was an easy one.

Have you ever had the feeling of being completely out of control and helpless? That was me shortly after I was approved for adoption. I decided to go the route of a public adoption and chose to foster with a view to adopt. I chose this route because I wanted to adopt a young child and this is the only option for children under the age of 6 (it is in the child’s best interest to place them in a foster home that wants to adopt the child so they are not moved from one home to the other). I had gone through the PRIDE training and the home study, I had taken the mandatory car seat training, I had been informed about the risks of foster with a view to adopt, I knew that when a child needed a foster home the social workers would narrow down the list to two potential families to interview and from there they would pick the best fit, I knew that even if I was picked as a potential fit that after the interview I may not be chosen, so I was ready for this, right? No matter how prepared you think you are, nothing can prepare you for the worst. On February 24, 2012 I became a foster mommy to a beautiful baby. God had blessed me with this baby and I was ready to be this baby’s forever home. A few weeks after the baby was born, I was given devastating news. The baby would not become a crownward, therefore would not become adoptable, and I would have to say goodbye when the baby was 11 weeks old because a family member had stepped forward to raise the child. I was absolutely heartbroken. I was mad at God. Why? Why me? Why would you do this? You’ve already dealt me a life of infertility, now this…why?! God was pushing my limits and at the time I thought He was giving me far more than I could handle, but He carried me through the pain. I had to continually remind myself that God wanted me in this child’s life to give this child the start they needed. I was needed for a very specific purpose and even though it was short, it made a difference.

After this experience, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to try again. About a month after I had to say goodbye, I contacted my social worker and asked to have my name added back to the list of potential foster with a view to adopt families. It was a risk, but a risk worth taking. Three weeks after having my name back on the list, I received a phone call at 8:50pm. There was another baby who would need a home. The baby was not born yet and was due in the middle of July. The social worker informed me that I was the only family chosen for this child. I agreed to meet with the social worker in the morning to discuss the case. That night, I said a prayer to God and wrote it in my journal:

God, thank you for your many blessings and this beautiful surprise. I pray this child of Yours will be Your perfect timing.

The next morning I met with the social worker and the child’s protection worker. They were fantastic. They told me as much as they could about the case. I decided to go ahead and be this child’s foster with a view to adopt home. And then the waiting game began…

The baby was born a week late, on July 25, 2012, and I welcomed him into my home when he was two days old. He was absolutely beautiful. I fell in love with him right away, but I could feel that my heart was guarded. Even though I loved this child, I wasn’t attached like I should be. I felt like if I was given the devastating news that he would be leaving, I would have been okay with that. I absolutely HATE admitting that. I feel ashamed of this. It’s not to say that I wouldn’t have been heartbroken, but I would have been numb to the pain. After having this precious baby boy for 2 weeks, it was as if God had spoken to me and was giving me the answer to all of my unanswered questions and at the same time, answering my prayers. The walls around my heart came crashing down and there was no turning back. In my heart I knew this baby boy was a gift from God and that God had chosen me to be this baby’s forever home, his mommy and him my son. Four months after he was born, he became a crownward. This little boy’s birth parents made a tremendously hard decision to have their son call me mommy. I was speechless when the protection worker told me the news. The next 30 days were the most nail biting, heart racing, scary days of my life. The birth parents had 30 days to change their minds on the decision they had made. On Christmas Eve of 2012, it was official, I would officially be adopting this little boy. On June 21, 2013, I happily went to court to finalize the adoption.

The adoption of my son, Joshua, answered many of my prayers. It opened my eyes to the plan that God has for me, that God has perfect timing for everything and a reason for everything. I am not just simply infertile, I am infertile because it pleases God. It took me a while to understand this and accept this, and let me just say, it doesn’t always please me, but when I see Joshua staring at me with his big blue eyes and beautiful smile, my infertility pleases me as well because if I were just able to have children the good old fashioned way, I would not be Joshua’s mommy. 

When Joshua was about a year old, I was ready to expand our family. I had a deep need to experience a pregnancy, so IVF was the only option. I was so naïve when I started the process. I had no idea that after the consultation appointment that as soon as my period started, IVF would begin. I called the clinic on day 1 of my period, I already had my prescriptions filled, and I began my injections. I went to my ultrasound and bloodwork appointments every 3 days and then I showed up for my egg retrieval. I had 26 eggs retrieved, 20 mature and fertilized, and 3 embryos. I did a 5 day fresh embryo transfer and froze my other 2 embryos on day 6. My fresh embryo transfer resulted in an early miscarriage. It was hard. I would go for bloodwork and my hCG would continue to rise, but I kept being told to expect a miscarriage since my numbers were so low. It was devastating. I waited two cycles before I was able to try a frozen embryo transfer. It was my 24^th birthday that my period started and the FET began. I remember being so unsure if I wanted to do this again because I was beginning to see that IVF does not guarantee a baby and the fact that I even had 2 embryos frozen was a miracle in itself. I pushed through my fears and proceeded with the FET. I took a pregnancy test the first possible day that hCG would be present in my bloodstream. I remember feeling so defeated when I looked at the test and there was no second line. I paused and turned to God and begged for His strength to get through this because I knew I couldn’t do it on my own. I looked down at the pregnancy test one more time before tossing it and couldn’t believe my eyes. For the first time in my life, there was a second pink line. I had to grab my phone and use the flashlight feature to confirm what I thought I was seeing. I was ecstatic and so happy, but throughout my entire pregnancy, I worried for my baby. I worried that at any moment this miracle would be taken away. I felt as if I was being robbed by infertility because I was constantly worried. I constantly lied to myself by saying that once I made it to 12 weeks, I wouldn’t worry but that turned into 14 weeks, 18 weeks, 24 weeks, and eventually it turned into the end of my pregnancy but that’s what infertility does, it allows all of your fears to rise to the service. When I was 9 months pregnant with Grayson I found out that I was going to be a single mom. I was not expecting this and was terrified. I was having a hard time understanding why God would have this be his perfect timing for me to have a baby and I was having a hard time wrapping my head around this. But I understood when I gave birth to a healthy baby boy and was holding this miracle of God’s in my arms. Grayson was my saving grace and it is his birth that allowed me to move on, take my happiness back, and be a happy family of 3. My heart has never been so happy as the day when my two sons, Joshua and Grayson, got to meet each other for the first time and I had my perfect family of 3.

Now, I am impatiently waiting to grow my family. I have a loving boyfriend who has been understanding of my infertility from the beginning. When I opened up to him about my struggles, he told me that it would never change anything. I sometimes get very overwhelmed, thinking of our future, and thinking that I may not be able to give him any children of his own, and he always gently reminds me that it does not matter because we already have two amazing sons. He’s my rock and I know he will be my rock throughout our IVF journey.

Currently I Am

Currently, I am...

Enjoying: Elf on a Shelf…each  night Joshua’s elf, Ralphie, magically moves into a new location to his 3 year old delight!

Feeling: Very excited for Christmas! It’s just around the corner!

Wishing: For a bit of snow for Christmas…without the snow it just doesn’t feel like Christmas.

Loving: The car seat ponchos I made for my munchkins. The winters are cold here and winter coats and car seats do not mix, so the car seat ponchos eliminate that danger and keep the munchkins warm at the same time.

Hating: How busy our little family is. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE all of the Christmas parties and celebrations and the time spent with family, I only wish I could slow it down a bit. But even with time flying by in the Christmas season, I will try my best to enjoy every moment.

Anticipating: The Christmas parties I have coming up…3 of them this week alone.

Watching: Christmas movies…even though they can be kind of cheesy and have bad acting, I only get to watch them this time of year so I always enjoy them while I can.

This Christmas

This Christmas will be different for many reasons. The Christmas of 2012 I was celebrating that Joshua had become adoptable and soon I would be going to Happy Court to adopt him. I was also celebrating Joshua’s first Christmas. The Christmas of 2013 I was pregnant and anxious for June to arrive to meet my Lil Bubs. The Christmas of 2014 I was celebrating Grayson’s first Christmas and also mine and Chris’ first Christmas together as a family.

This Christmas, the Christmas of 2015, is different, but it is just as special as the Christmases I mentioned above.  I have so much to celebrate and so much to be grateful for. I am so very grateful for my family. Words cannot describe how much I love my small little family of 4 and how very blessed I feel. This Christmas, I will be celebrating the love in our hearts and the big smiles on my sons’ faces. I will be celebrating the laughter that will fill our new home. 

I am so excited for this Christmas and I think that has a lot to do with how happy I am. I am so incredibly blessed with everything God has blessed me with! 

Christmas Angels

I love Christmas. It is by far my favourite holiday and favourite time of the year. I find that with Christmas decorations all around and Christmas music playing that there just seems to be more joy around me.

This year, we are starting a new tradition. Our community has Christmas Angels and these Christmas Angels are children in our community whose families are not able to provide Christmas gifts so the community steps in and purchases gifts that are then delivered to the families by the fire department. When I found out our community does this I was so excited! I think it is a great way to give and a great message for our children to learn from. Every year, beginning this year, we will be picking Angels off the tree to help give them a very Merry Christmas. This year, we picked 3 children and as a family, we had so much fun shopping for them. G is still too young to understand what is going on, but J understood that these special toys were for boys and girls in our community whose families reached out and asked for help.

Our Christmas Angels reminded me just how fortunate and blessed C and I are and I pray that our Christmas Angels feel just as blessed this Christmas because they are so very loved by their family.

Currently I am

I've seen a few blogs with these types of posts so I thought I would give them a try...not sure how often I will do them yet, but here's my first one...it was rather fun to write!

Currently, I am...

Enjoying: The weather. Normally by now we have snow. I was reminded of this from one of my social media accounts when a memory of J popper up all bundled up in his snow suit playing outside in the snow.

Feeling: Very overwhelmed. The thought of paying for a wedding and IVF has been worked up.

Wishing: For a miracle...which I think all infertility mamas are.

Loving: My boyfriend! He has been so supportive the past few days and it's a really good feeling to know that I have him to lean on and that when I do not feel strong, I have him to be strong for me.

Hating: How emotional I am this week. PMS wreaks havoc on my emotions a week before my period and these past few days haven't been the greatest. Everything is making me cry!

Anticipating: Putting up our Christmas tree this weekend! I can't wait to watch J decorate it and the boys to enjoy it!

Watching: Survivor and The Amazing Race...I'm a reality TV junkie!

J's Mommy

I am J’s mommy and I am very proud of it. J is adopted but that does not define who he is. He is a happy little boy who fills my heart with so much love. He is my son. He is a gift from God, a gift God trusted me with. God had a special plan for both J and I and out of everyone in this world, God chose me to be J’s mommy. How special is that? I was handpicked to be J’s mommy and God had an intricate plan to make that happen.

I know a lot of families who struggle with infertility look into adoption and then run the other way because of how expensive it can be. But public adoptions do not cost anything.

I know a lot of families who struggle with infertility look into adoption and run the other way because they know it won’t fill the void of carrying a child and experiencing a pregnancy. I will admit this is true. As a woman, I had a strong need to carry a child and experiencing a pregnancy.

I know a lot of families who struggle with infertility look into adoption and run the other way because they want a biological child. This I cannot understand. J is just as much my son as G is. It doesn’t matter that J is adopted and G is not. They are both my sons and my heart is filled with love for both of them. When I look at J, I see only my son, my red haired, blue eyed darling little boy who is mine.

What I am trying to say is it doesn’t matter how a child comes into your life whether it be through a pregnancy, adoption, or they showed up in a basket with a note, that child will complete you in ways you never knew existed. They are your precious gift from God to love and adore.

I am honoured to be J’s mommy and so proud! It is because of my two little boys that I am a mommy and they are my entire world.

Only Just A Dream

Last night I had a really restless sleep. I was able to sleep, but I woke up feeling tired and hating every dream I had. I can remember one dream I was being chased around a hotel and I just kept riding up and down the elevator and switching it up to the stairs at some points in my dream to get away from whoever was chasing me.

But my next set of dreams were so cruel when I woke up. They made me want to cry and I so badly wanted them to be true. I kept having dreams where I would take a pregnancy test and there would be two lines, both so dark. I had this same dream 3 times last night and each time I woke up I thought about how cruel the dreams were.

I don’t want to have dreams like that because that’s all they are, dreams, dreams I so desperately want to be true. But they are not. They are not my reality. 

Embracing Who I Am

Sometimes I feel like the people around me don’t really know who I am. They think I’m this strong girl who is outspoken and opinionated and doesn’t tolerate BS. I do believe I am strong, I’ve been through a lot in life and always try my best to keep my head up and look for a positive, but the rest isn’t who I am. There was a time in my life when I wasn’t as happy as I could be and sometimes I felt like I was just going through the motions of life and not really living life. My unhappiness with my situation made me someone who I wasn’t because I was just so over living the way I was. All I wanted was to be happy and have a happy family.

I was fortunate enough to be given a second chance at happiness. I feel as though all the pieces of me that I had lost for a period of time are back. I have a better understanding of who I am, what I want, and what I need in life. I am not a loud and outspoken person; that was who I was during that period of my life to protect myself and protect my feelings. It was my way of coping.

If I had to choose one word to describe myself it would be sensitive, really sensitive. My feelings can be easily hurt and I can sometimes misinterpret things, which is why communication is very important to me. I have learned that if something is upsetting me, the best thing for me is to talk about it, and talk about it some more if I need to. I am lucky to have found someone to spend the rest of my life with who understands me and fully accepts me and lets me be me.

I sometimes struggle with my sensitivity, but it is something I am learning to embrace.  I don’t always like my sensitivity (like when I take something to heart when I probably shouldn’t) but it’s who I am and I love who I am. I’m far from perfect, but I’m being the best version of me that I know how! 

Jealousy

Jealousy, it’s ugly, it’s not pleasant. At this moment in time, I can’t help but feel jealous, and it seems so selfish. I’m jealous of the other women who by a miracle from God have become pregnant naturally. I am so unbelievably happy for them (I get goosebumps when I read their stories) and it just reconfirms how good God is, but I can’t help but wonder why not me? When will it be my turn? Will it ever be my turn? When will I get to surprise C with a miracle? When will we get to surprise our parents? When will we get to defy the odds?

It may never happen for us naturally and right now, that’s a hard pill for me to swallow. I want so desperately to be able to conceive naturally and when it seems to be happening all around me, I can’t help but wonder why not me?

Lately, infertility has been a huge weight for me to carry and it doesn’t seem to be getting any lighter. 

Because of God

Two years ago today, I had my frozen embryo transfer. I was pregnant until proven otherwise and I was extremely blessed because that otherwise never came. It still amazes me every day when I look in G’s beautiful big blue eyes and see his smiling face. It amazes me how far he has come. It amazes me that he was created in a lab and was closely watched by a lab tech to watch his growth. It amazes me that he struggled a little bit to grow in the beginning, but that hope was not given up on him. It amazes me that he was once a tiny frozen blastocyst. It amazes me how much he went through before he was even transferred inside of me. G was frozen and not used for the fresh transfer because he was not the strongest blastocyst, he was not the “superstar.” But doctors only know so much. It’s because of my faith in God that I know that anything is possible.

As I sit here in awe of my blonde hair, blue eyed beauty, I know that God’s power is far greater than anything I could ever imagine. I know that I needed extra help to get pregnant, but it wasn’t an infertility team that did that for me, it was God. God blessed that team with a special gift and a special calling. God kept me healthy and gave my body the strength it needed to carry a pregnancy. And God blessed that precious life and had a plan for it before I even knew it existed. 

Two Blogs

I started a second blog a few months ago so I could blog about my life with two little boys and an adoring boyfriend. Just in case anyone wants to check it out, you can click here. I created the second blog instead of blogging on this blog because I wanted to keep the two separate, for me. My infertility blog is full of ups and downs and a lot of raw emotions, I really don't hold back when it comes to my pain and hurt or my happiness and triumphs. But my family blog is always a happy space, and that's how I want to keep it. I want my family to be able to look back on it and see all the happy memories we have shared.

I love blogging about my family and love going back and reading posts. One day, I plan to have my blogs printed, but I'm still not 100% sure on how to do that and how I want to go about doing that or even when. But I do think my blogs will be an amazing keepsake, not only for me, but for my family as well.

Happy reading!

It Is None Of Your Business

When are you having more children?

The biological clock is ticking.

Are you starting your family soon?

I know so many people who have adopted/done IVF and then surprise, got pregnant!

To many people, these statements would seem harmless, but to someone who battles infertility every day, they are hurtful and bring up so many emotions. If I am trusting you enough to bring you into my infertility bubble, then I am trusting you to be sensitive to my fragile heart. I don’t expect you to have the magical answer or to come up with some solution as to what might be wrong or what I am doing wrong or to tell me to be patient and keep trying, I am just looking for someone to listen and to know that you are there for me.

And for anyone who thinks it is okay to ask about children and expanding a family, it isn’t. It simply is not because you don’t know their personal situation. You have no idea how painful it is when you ask me when I am expanding my family when I am going through a miscarriage, you have no idea how big of a punch it is when you tell me about some imaginary person who I have never met who got pregnant, just like that, after they adopted or did IVF.

Bottom line is, that is not my story. My story is being written each day and I don’t know what is ahead of me, but at this moment in time, I am battling infertility and just wish these “innocent” questions would stop being asked because you don’t know what is going on behind the scenes, what someone is holding so close to their heart, the pain they keep inside.  

An Update

I know there are a few followers who have followed my blog for some time now, so you know that I faced a difficult time in my life when I was pregnant with G. For those of you who do not know, my ex-husband and I separated when I was 9 months pregnant. It definitely wasn’t an easy time in my life, but with lots of prayers and support, my two boys and I pulled through. But I thought I should give a small update on how everything is going, on all sides.

I am officially divorced and with my divorce, I feel a weight has been lifted. I am no longer tied to my ex-husband by marriage and I am able to put that marriage in the past. It has been said that everyone who comes into your life is either for a reason, a season, or a life time and I think my ex-husband was a reason. I say this because we have two beautiful boys that came from that marriage and came from me knowing him, and that is something that I will not regret. My two boys are something beautiful and amazing that came out of something that did not end good.

As for how I get along with my ex-husband, we are amicable. We get along much better now which makes things much easier when co-parenting. Sometimes we don’t always see eye to eye (this isn’t a new thing), but we manage to make things work and we seem to be making things work well.

As for my little family of 3, we are no longer a family of 3, but a family of 4. We are extremely happy and extremely blessed. I couldn’t be any happier than I am watching my boys with C. He has come into our family and from the beginning has loved these two boys as his own.

As for my boys having two families now, that is a good thing. When my ex-husband and I were together, we were not happy and the boys would have grown up with a poor example of what love is because we just couldn’t seem to work together as a team. Now that they have two families, they are going to have an overabundance of love from two mommies and two daddies, and let’s not forget the four sets of grandparents. I accept that my boys will have two mommies, which may surprise some, but I need my boys to be loved and accepted by whoever my ex-husband spends his life with. I want her to love my boys like her own and love them like I do. This is extremely important to me. It was equally as important for any future man in my life, who would become a daddy to them, to love my two boys as his own, and that’s what C has done since he stole my heart.

And as for me, I am happy, really really happy. 

No Control

I will be the first person to admit that I am not a patient person, I do not like to wait. I want what I want and I want it now, on my timeline. I want to be in control. This has been a huge struggle with IVF. I am completely out of control. I have no control over my body’s inability to get pregnant naturally, which makes me feel like a failure. Why can I not just get pregnant? Why does my body not work that way?

Lately, I have been so hung up on the future and what the future will hold for my family. I know once C and I get married (still impatiently waiting for that ring), we want to expand our family. We want to give J and G more siblings. It makes me upset to think that this will not be an easy process and that there are so many unknowns. It makes me upset to think that IVF may not work for C and I. It makes me upset to think that I can’t just get pregnant and have his children. It makes me upset to think he is going to have to experience this struggle as well.

From the day I told him about my little family, how J is my adopted baby and how G is my IVF baby, he has been 100% supportive. He has not made my infertility a problem and I know he never will. He is 100% on board. His love for me never faltered when I told him that I may never be able to give him a child that has his beautiful eyes. Instead, he told me that it won’t matter because we already have a beautiful family with two handsome little men. This man is my rock, he keeps me strong, and even in my most vulnerable moments he makes me feel safe.

I am still learning that God has perfect timing and life is much easier when I let go of control and give it to God.

Matthew 19:26

Over the past few months, I have been praying about my frozen embryo. I knew the time was fast approaching when the fertility clinic would send a reminder for the annual storage fee along with a consent form to have the embryo destroyed if we chose not to continue storage. Since I am divorced, my options for this embryo was very limited. I was really struggling with even the thought of having to sign a consent form to have the embryo destroyed. I have been very open on my blog and wrote about my conversation with the embryo adoption agency and how defeated I felt and how I had just lost my last hope of giving this precious life the chance to thrive. I felt like a failure, like I was unable to protect this human life. I had failed. That consent form was a consent for me to kill a precious life. I knew in my heart that it was so wrong.

Last week, I wrote about it again, something I wasn’t even going to do. I wrote about how hard of a time I was having with this, about how I did not want to do it, but that I felt I had no other option. I was begging God to do something, to give this embaby a chance. I was asking for a miracle.

God was working on a plan and I had no idea at the time. The next day, a precious family reached out to me. They wanted to talk with me before I signed anything and it halted me in my tracks. A wave of emotions went through me. This was God’s divine intervention. I wasn’t the only one who wanted this precious life, God did as well, and God had the perfect family in mind when His Power brought them to my blog post. God knew a perfect family who also wanted this embaby and wanted to give it a chance at life.

This is another example of God’s perfect timing and the love God has for His children, all of His children.

Matthew 19:26

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." 

Two Years Ago

It was two years ago today that I started the process of my first frozen embryo transfer. My period started on my 24^th birthday and with it came a miracle that I didn’t know about at the time. On my 24^th birthday I didn’t think having my period was a gift. I was angry and upset. I wanted so badly to be pregnant and the last thing I wanted to see was my period. I had mixed feelings about starting the FET. I was emotionally drained, exhausted. I didn’t think I had the energy to do another transfer, to ride that roller coaster of emotions. But my heart overpowered my brain, the voice inside of me gently whispered “this is it Kelsey, you are so close, do not give up, have faith.”

I can still feel that excitement, nervousness, and fear. I can still remember things so vividly. I remember feeling so calm on the day of the transfer. I had a peace inside of me, I was never alone that day, God was definitely the calming presence I could feel inside of myself. I remember walking down the hall to the transfer room and changing out of my clothes. I was wearing a printed maxi skirt with a greenish turquoise coloured top. My nails were painted and they matched my outfit. My doctor even commented on it. I remember lying on the bed waiting for the doctor to come in and let me know how my embaby did with being thawed and the excitement I felt when I was told that he did fabulous. I remember having the ultrasound on my lower abdomen while my precious embaby was being transferred. And then poof, there he was, nestled safe and warm inside of me. I remember talking to my precious baby, letting him know that I am his mommy and he needed to listen very carefully to me when I told him that he needed to implant and stay warm and safe inside of me and grow into a healthy baby that I could hold in my arms. I remember getting up off the bed and walking back into the change room and still feeling that same peace and calm, I was happy…God was telling me that this was it.

And here I am today, on my 26^th birthday with my beautiful family and a beautiful baby boy who did exactly as his mama told him. I never knew what a special day my 24^th birthday really was, but I do now.

PMS Monster

Something I have really noticed since being pregnant is that PMS hits full force with vengeance. I never thought it was that bad before I was pregnant, but maybe I just never noticed because I had never had a break from it before.

Since the return of Aunt Flow, my PMS has been terrible. I can actually feel it. I get crampy and I become a ball of emotions. I don’t feel like myself because I feel as if I have no control over my own emotions. I can feel frustrations building up and I can’t stop it, and then 5 minutes later, I just want to cry because I can’t control how I’m feeling and so that upsets me. It’s a little ridiculous.

Luckily, I have an amazing boyfriend who understands that his girlfriend turns into this ball of emotions and he just goes along with it, trying to make things as easy as he can for me. 

That Time of Month

And again, it’s that time of month, the time of month when my period is supposed to show up. I’ve already been feeling the cramping, so my best guess is that in the next week my period will come. I’ve been trying my best to just “let it go” and I’m beginning to realize that a monthly period is a good thing and something I should never take for granted. I am very lucky to have a regular monthly period and I’m beginning to see this. I think I will be okay this month too. 

Let It Go

Last month was the first month in years when I was okay when my period showed up. The first time in years! It just goes to show the strong hold that infertility has on me. It seems that every month, I cannot help myself, I get so hopeful that maybe, just maybe I am pregnant. I know better, I know that I cannot physically get pregnant without the help of IVF. But my heart holds onto the hope that maybe, just maybe God will change this all.

I know my prayers do not go unanswered. I know God is telling me to be patient. I know God is with me every step of the way guiding me through this, but sometimes I cry out in prayer, praying for it to be easy. I know God feels my fear and worry and I know how it upsets Him. I know there is a lesson to be learned in everything and I have a pretty strong feeling that my lesson is to just let go, to leave it all in God’s hands, in God’s timing. At this moment in my life though, I am really struggling. I’m struggling to let go of that control and to say “here you go God, take this, take it all. I don’t want it, I can’t carry this weight. Take it from me!” God wants to carry this burden for me, so why am I not letting go?

 

I Never Signed Up For This

As if IVF isn't difficult enough, having an extra embryo that you are unable to use is heartbreaking. My ex-husband and I, for personal reasons on both sides, do not want to use this embryo. This part is understandable. But the plan was to continue to have the embryo frozen until it could be adopted. That plan fell apart quickly when the adoption agency said there would be a very slim chance of a couple wanting to adopt one embryo. Again, this is understandable. My back up plan was to continue to have this embryo frozen until I did another IVF cycle. If my future husband and I were blessed with more embryos than we were able to use, we would have them adopted and add my one embryo to this group. But my back up plan has also fallen apart, not because I don't want to go ahead with this plan, but because there is also another side that has to be on board, and unfortunately, the other side just wants to be done with it all. It's hard for me to wrap my ahead around. I can't argue with the reasoning either because this is just as much the other party's decision as it is mine, but I will never fully understand it.

How do I sign a consent form to have my embryo destroyed? I am heartbroken. I have to sign a consent form to have my baby destroyed, to give up on it, to not give it a chance to turn into a beautiful life. How do I do this? My beautiful embryo is not wanted, it is only wanted by me.

The consent forms are probably sitting in my mailbox right now. I’ve been avoiding checking it because this is something I don’t want to do. I’m not okay with it at all, but I have no other options.