Jealousy, it’s ugly, it’s not pleasant. At this moment in time, I can’t help but feel jealous, and it seems so selfish. I’m jealous of the other women who by a miracle from God have become pregnant naturally. I am so unbelievably happy for them (I get goosebumps when I read their stories) and it just reconfirms how good God is, but I can’t help but wonder why not me? When will it be my turn? Will it ever be my turn? When will I get to surprise C with a miracle? When will we get to surprise our parents? When will we get to defy the odds?
It may never happen for us naturally and right now, that’s a hard pill for me to swallow. I want so desperately to be able to conceive naturally and when it seems to be happening all around me, I can’t help but wonder why not me?
Lately, infertility has been a huge weight for me to carry and it doesn’t seem to be getting any lighter.