Thursday, 1 October 2015

No Control

I will be the first person to admit that I am not a patient person, I do not like to wait. I want what I want and I want it now, on my timeline. I want to be in control. This has been a huge struggle with IVF. I am completely out of control. I have no control over my body’s inability to get pregnant naturally, which makes me feel like a failure. Why can I not just get pregnant? Why does my body not work that way?

Lately, I have been so hung up on the future and what the future will hold for my family. I know once C and I get married (still impatiently waiting for that ring), we want to expand our family. We want to give J and G more siblings. It makes me upset to think that this will not be an easy process and that there are so many unknowns. It makes me upset to think that IVF may not work for C and I. It makes me upset to think that I can’t just get pregnant and have his children. It makes me upset to think he is going to have to experience this struggle as well.

From the day I told him about my little family, how J is my adopted baby and how G is my IVF baby, he has been 100% supportive. He has not made my infertility a problem and I know he never will. He is 100% on board. His love for me never faltered when I told him that I may never be able to give him a child that has his beautiful eyes. Instead, he told me that it won’t matter because we already have a beautiful family with two handsome little men. This man is my rock, he keeps me strong, and even in my most vulnerable moments he makes me feel safe.

I am still learning that God has perfect timing and life is much easier when I let go of control and give it to God.


  1. It's hard not to think about these things but remember while you are spending time worrying about them, that's taking away the time you could be enjoying 'now'. I know I know easier said than done but I am also trying to remind myself of this daily. Instead of thinking about what's next, what's next just stop and enjoy now :) It sounds like you have a great guy who is happy just the way things are and that's a wonderful support system.

    1. It is easier said than done, but you are right, when I am able to stop with the worrying, it makes life easier and I am able to fully enjoy all of the small moments, the moments that I cherish.