Last month was the first month in years when I was okay when my period showed up. The first time in years! It just goes to show the strong hold that infertility has on me. It seems that every month, I cannot help myself, I get so hopeful that maybe, just maybe I am pregnant. I know better, I know that I cannot physically get pregnant without the help of IVF. But my heart holds onto the hope that maybe, just maybe God will change this all.
I know my prayers do not go unanswered. I know God is telling me to be patient. I know God is with me every step of the way guiding me through this, but sometimes I cry out in prayer, praying for it to be easy. I know God feels my fear and worry and I know how it upsets Him. I know there is a lesson to be learned in everything and I have a pretty strong feeling that my lesson is to just let go, to leave it all in God’s hands, in God’s timing. At this moment in my life though, I am really struggling. I’m struggling to let go of that control and to say “here you go God, take this, take it all. I don’t want it, I can’t carry this weight. Take it from me!” God wants to carry this burden for me, so why am I not letting go?