Anxiety

Anxious is how I'm feeling right now. When I was a patient at the fertility clinic, any time I had bleeding I could call up my nurse, she would talk to a doctor, and they would ask me to come in for an ultrasound. Well, now that I've graduated from the fertility clinic, I'm only seeing my family doctor. My family doctor is great, but he is not an OB. He doesn't have an ultrasound machine, he doesn't have a fetal Doppler, so how is he supposed to know if anything is wrong? Where I'm from, you don't see an OB until you are 35 weeks (and that's not a typo).

So I'm supposed to go from seeing my baby at 9 weeks 5 days until 20 weeks when I will have an ultrasound and then not see the baby again until 35 weeks? How is my family doctor supposed to know if anything goes wrong if he isn't able to listen to the baby's heartbeat?

Also, with my past medical history and all the bleeding I've had this pregnancy, I think I should be seeing an OB.

So today, I started to bleed again. It came out in a gush and has seemed to slow down. It appeared to be brown blood so I'm praying it is just old blood from the blood pocket that still showed on my last ultrasound. But I'm freaking out a bit because I have no idea. I could go to emerge and they would give me an ultrasound there, but that would be even more stressful because I would be waiting at least 8 hours because the wait times are ridiculous.

I've called my family doctor and spoke with the receptionist. She is going to talk to him and get back to me. So now I have to sit and wait...once again.

Medication

I've been on medication during the IVF process. I've been taking Estrogen and Progesterone and both will be running out shortly. Estrogen will be gone in 4 days and Progesterone will be gone by the beginning of next week.

I'm so scared to stop the progesterone. My fertility doctor has assured me it's fine. He went as far to say that once there is a heartbeat, you don't need the progesterone. Still, I worry and think they should check my levels before they make me quit cold turkey. But then again, I am not a doctor. I did not study medicine for years and specialize in this field.

I think this all comes down to me wanting this healthy pregnancy so badly. I want to be able to see my baby on ultrasounds and see the flutter of the heart. I want to be able to feel the baby kick and punch and turn about inside of me. I want my husband and son to be able to put their hands on my belly and feel the baby. I want to be able to have the experience of labour and all of the pain that comes with it. I want the experience of meeting my baby for the very first time, when they are still covered in all the goo.

I pray God gives us this gift and blesses us with one of His children.

Clothes Are Not Fitting

It's come to my attention that my clothes are not fitting me quite the same as they used to. I can't seem to get my pants to button up anymore and my zipper only wants to go up halfway. I bought a Bella Band and it's wonderful. I have to readjust it every so often, but its well worth it...its the only way I can wear my pants!!

My shirts seem to be that much more revealing, but I think that's because my breasts have gotten quite a bit larger.

On the weekend I treated myself and bought two new bras and some new undies. I had myself fitted and I had to chuckle when they told me I should be wearing a size smaller than what I was now. Do you see the bra I'm wearing now? Do you see how I'm popping out of it? And you want me to go a size smaller? Oh boy! I tried on 5 different sizes and styles before we found one that fit me good and it's not the size they said I should be (duh!!). The new bras are so comfortable. No more popping out and achy boobs because of a bad fitting bra. The undies I bought are also fabulous. I bought a size larger than I normally do and I made sure to find pairs without elastic bands of any sort (elastic bands make me feel even more uncomfortable).

And to top it off, I got my undies for free! The store I was in had a sale that if you spend $100, you save 40%. My bras alone were over $60 so I was pretty happy to spend free money after that!

Lil Bubs

I had my fourth ultrasound today at the clinic and needless to say, I was so nervous. Excited, but nervous. Once I was on the table, I lied there holding my breath. We saw the baby on the screen and then, we say lil bubs wiggle!! Lil bubs was having a great time moving around. It's such an amazing thing to see. To know that miracle is growing inside of you.

The doctor still saw a blood pocket on the screen, but it was smaller. And the second blood pocket was gone! God is definitely listening to all of my prayers.

Lil bubs measured a day ahead (last time bubs measured a day behind). We are 9 weeks and 5 days along. I'm not sure what will happen next. When my next ultrasound will be (I have a feeling it won't be until 20 weeks), when I'll have my first appointment with my OB/GYN, when I stop my medications...I don't really know anything at the moment.

Worry

Being pregnant has been very worrisome for me. I wish I could just sit back and enjoy every minute of it but I worry. It's so hard not too but it has gotten a lot easier since I've realized that no one has control over this life except God.

At my last ultrasound on Nov. 15, the doctor noticed two blood pockets around the gestational sac, so I'm worried about that. I pray they go away and they don't harm the baby or anything the baby needs. I've gotten used to seeing blood...it doesn't come by surprise anymore. It's nice when I don't have it, but when I do, I'm not surprised. It still worries me, but I hope it just means the blood pockets are leaving.

I have another ultrasound on Thursday and I CANNOT wait. I'm praying for good news...that are baby is healthy and the blood pockets are gone (or smaller in size). I don't know if I'll ever be able to relax and just enjoy being pregnant without worrying; it's just so hard when you want something so bad.

Being Sick and Pregnant

It seems the cold bug is popping up everywhere. At home, at work...I knew I was bound to catch it. My hubby has been fighting a cold for the past week, my son has pink eye and an infection under his eye (he seems much better today after only 1 dose of medication...no more cuddles for this mama, he just wants to play now), and for the past few days, I could feel something sneaking up on me. Last night I woke up a few times with a sore throat. This morning I woke up with my head completely congested and a sore throat (I can feel the drip from my nose to my throat and it's such an annoying feeling).

Normally, I would run straight for the medicine box and grab some Tylenol Cold & Sinus and take it every 4 hours. Now that I'm pregnant, I don't want to take any chances. I was thinking of making a hot lemon with honey drink but then I read about honey. They say honey is safe to have during pregnancy because your digestive system will absorb the spores that would be harmful to the baby. BUT, in my case, I don't know if my digestive system would do the trick considering I'm missing my colon.

So my only option is to suffer through it. All I can think about it curling up in bed and sleeping. I picture myself with a night cap on and a onesie pajama sleeping peacefully like a baby.

The Safest Place

I started this blog so I would be able to look back and remember everything about our journey, the good and the bad. Sometimes its hard to write about the bad. I just don't want to think about it let alone remember it. 

This brings me to Monday. I was just about to get dressed for work when I felt a gush. I looked in my underwear and I was bleeding...bright red and heavy. I was petrified. I didn't know what to do. I stopped and I prayed and I asked God to please not do this, please don't let me miscarry. I then called my nurse and they told me to come in for an ultrasound. The entire drive to the clinic I was praying and crying and talking in my head and asking God why this was happening. I was so upset and I told God that I could never hate Him but I didn't know whether I could deal with this. I didn't know whether I would be able to try another frozen embryo transfer. I truly think this would be my breaking point and I wouldn't be able to continue with IVF.

When I got to the hospital for my ultrasound they brought me in right away. I sat on the table and just let the tears roll down my face. The nurse brought me a box of tissue and when the doctor came in and asked me how I was, I lost it. I couldn't control my crying. When they started the ultrasound, I couldn't even look at the screen. I was just praying for a miracle. Begging God for a miracle. 

And then the doctor said, "There's a heartbeat, everything looks good." I couldn't believe what I just heard. I looked at the screen and could see a flicker...almost like a tiny light going on and off. I cried even more and thanked God. God had given me another miracle. I truly thought I was having a miscarriage. I don't think I've ever been so filled with fear before. God stayed with me and He held my hand the entire time. I wasn't alone at that ultrasound. 

The doctor thinks the bleed was from the placenta hitting a blood vessel or vein. She could see the bleed on the ultrasound and said I would continue to bleed more. I bled all of Monday and Tuesday morning. I had a bit of bleeding yesterday as well, but I didn't panic as much. 

I'm beginning to fully understand that no one has control of this situation. Not myself, my husband, or the doctors. God does. God knows my plan and knows what is good for me. This precious life is in His hands and maybe that is why I've been spotting and bleeding this whole pregnancy. Maybe this is God telling me I need to let go. I need to trust Him 100% no matter how scared I feel. I can't just trust Him 99.9%, that is not good enough. 

So here I am now...I'm going to try to constantly remind myself that this is in God's hands...they are the safest place to be.