Not Off to a Good Start

It seems our IVF journey is not off to a good start. I had my sonohysterogram on February 1. The test went well and my uterus looked good. When you have a test like this, you are warned that there is a small risk that you could develop an infection. The next day after my sono, I wasn't feeling so well. I developed a fever, but Tylenol seemed to help. By Friday, I had cramping and I was taking Tylenol and Ibuprofen to try and keep my fever down. I called the doctor and he called in two antibiotic prescriptions for me. I started them right away but I still didn't feel like I was getting any better.

On Sunday, Chris brought me to the emerge in a hospital in a small town near our town. After they triaged me, they took me back right away. They gave me IV fluid and an IV antibiotic to try and kick start the oral antibiotics I was on. I went home to rest and spent the night on the couch watching the Super Bowl.

I spent Monday and Tuesday at home trying to stay on top of my fever and abdominal pain. I thought maybe the antibiotics were making me sick because the one had a whole list of possible side effects like aches and pains, fever, racing heart rate, etc. But then Wednesday rolled around and I thought it best to call my doctor again. I was told that I needed to go to emerge.

My mom picked me up and brought me to the hospital. This time, we went to the big one, which happens to be where the fertility clinic is located as well. They took me in right away and triaged me. Then they called my doctor and within half an hour they had a bed for me in emerge and told me I was going to be admitted. They started fluid and IV antibiotics right away and within 2 hours I was moved to a room.

I spent 4 days in the hospital where I was being given 3 different antibiotics around the clock. It felt like such a long stay because I missed my boys so much. They came to visit me and they were just the cutest. But it was a lot on Joshua because he told me several times that this made him sad. But the hospital stay is what my body needed. The doctor said my body just wasn't absorbing the oral antibiotics and that's why I wasn't getting any better.

But I'm happy to say that I am feeling great now.

When Bad Turns to Worse

Today, I had my sonohysterogram. Chris had meetings at work and I didn't think it necessary for him to cancel them and come to this appointment. But how are you to ever know when you are going to receive bad news.

News that will completely defeat you and make you feel hopeless.
News that makes you just want to give up. And news that makes you scream, "why us, God?!?!" News that makes you question why this world is so cruel and if this is some sort of sick joke.
News that makes you want to wake up from the nightmare of infertility.
News that makes you need your partner by your side to help bare some of the pain.

I went to the fertility clinic and took my number. When I was called up to register, the receptionist and I were talking and laughing about how dry the air is in the hospital and how every time you cough, someone thinks your sick. I waited about 5 minutes before the nurse came and called me back to the examination room. I was familiar with the drill. Undress from waist down, leave on your socks if you want to keep your feet warm, wrap a blanket around you and walk into the exam room.

Once in the exam room, the nurse sat me down on the exam table since the doctor wasn't quite ready. She was very friendly and we were talking a bit about this procedure and if Chris and I had done our other tests, which I said we had. All of my bloodwork came back great. Hormone levels are where they are supposed to be. I was thrilled with this news but my joy was short lived. She then looked at the advanced semen analysis and said it didn't look so good. I asked if she could tell me the numbers and she said she couldn't but maybe our doctor would go over them with me.

I'm not sure what changed her mind, maybe she felt sorry for me, but about 15 seconds later, she walked over to the table with the test results and said "you're going to act like you never saw this when the doctor came in." She showed me all of the red on the file. She explained that isn't good. Red screams "look at me" because there is a problem. Next came the first blow. She told me that Chris had a low sperm count. My first thoughts were that it would be okay. That is what ICSI is for. A couple of million of sperm is okay, we can still do this. But that's when the big blow came.

"He has 1 to 3."

He has 1 to 3 what? One to three million? One to three thousand? One to three hundred? These questions ran through my head but I knew exactly what she meant. I repeated exactly what she said to me "he has 1 to 3?"

"I'm sorry."

I felt as if someone had just kicked the air out of my lungs. I managed to keep my composure for when the doctor came in and started my sonogram. The nurse mentioned the tests came back to the doctor, nudging him to discuss them with me, and he did a bit. He didn't go into too much detail but he said Chris' test was not good and that we would need ICSI. He said we could come back for a follow up or he could refer us right to the IVF program. He quickly changed his mind during my sonogram. The cyst I had during my last IVF cycle is still there. His words were "there is a very large cyst int he right fallopian tube. It measures 7.5cm x 4.6cm." He also noted that my uterus is slighted tilted but he said that was not a concern. Other than that, my uterus looks great. After he saw the cyst though, he said that he would like us to come back for a follow up. He mentioned the possibility of clipping my fallopian tube or removing it all together. The good news was that my ovary is not touching the cyst.

After the appointment, I walked to my car and cried. I cried loud and hard, I couldn't control myself. I didn't care who saw or what they thought. I needed to cry and let it out. I needed to release some of the pain.

I just want this nightmare to stop.

It's Kind of Surreal

Yesterday I had my blood drawn. The first step for me in our journey to have a baby. When I arrived at the blood clinic, I gave my requisitions and she looked up at me and said "woah, this is a lot." At that moment, I felt like I had to explain myself, give some sort of explanation as to why I was having all of these tests done, but instead I just smiled and agreed.

I had 7 vials of blood drawn. She was super chatty at first when she was checking my information but when she began to draw my blood, she stopped talking. I do not like to have my blood taken so talking helps to keep me focused on something else. Well, I was doing my best to focus on anything but I kept thinking about the blood and the vials and how it was coming out of my arm into the vial. It was a little unpleasant and I was happy when it was over. 7 vials of my blood to determine whether there are any underlying conditions and to determine if my hormones are at the levels they should be at.

Even the simple parts of this journey are full of stress and worry.

But it feels surreal that Chris and I are actually doing this. That we have started. We are in this together and doing this together.

Our First Appointment

Our first appointment with our RE went well. He is very nice and took the time to answer our questions, even though the clinic is busy. There are a few steps we need to take first before he can formally refer us to the IVF Funded Cycle. 

We both need to have blood work done and I need to have extra blood work done on day 3 of my cycle. All standard. Another standard at our clinic with IVF is an advanced semen analysis. We cannot be referred into the funded cycle without paying for this first. And finally, I need to have a sonohysterogram, which I am very nervous about. On day one of my next cycle, I need to call the clinic to set that up. 

I am so very grateful that with Chris' new job comes a great insurance package that has a fertility budget for us to use. If this funded cycle does not work, it should cover us enough to do a paid cycle and only pay 80% out of pocket. The funded cycle does not cover medication, but again, I am so grateful for our new benefits. I am also extremely grateful for the funded cycle, I'm just not sure how I feel about the waiting game. IVF and inferitlity is already hard enough on us, having to wait anywhere from 6 months to a year, or longer, seems really unfair. 

Is There No Escape?

You would think that there would be some sort of escape from infertility, but the cold hard truth is there isn't. Lately, I am reminded of it everywhere, including my dreams.

Last night I had a dream when I was 40 weeks pregnant. I remember calling the doctor asking if I would be induced since my last pregnancy with Grayson, he got too big for my body and there were some complications and some pretty scary moments. The doctor agreed and he put me on hold while he tried to schedule me in. While I was on hold, I remember feeling pain in my dream and rubbing my sides as if I was having contractions and I was wondering if this was the start.

Then I woke up. And realized it was all a dream. Part of me wanted to go back to the dream but a bigger part of me wanted to wipe it from my memory because it felt like a cruel joke.

Now that Chris and I are starting our journey together into IVF, I'm sure I will have more dreams that leave me feeling helpless.

The Start

Thursday will mark the start of mine and Chirs' infertility journey. To say I'm nervous is a complete understatement. I'm scared, petrified, shitting bricks, and any other way you want to name it. I'm scared because this is the beginning of many "what ifs."

We originally had an appointment a few months ago before we had any benefits and the RE gave us paperwork to do bloodwork, an advanced semen analysis, and a hysteroscopy. We decided to wait until we had benefits and that's where we are now.

So this is really happening. So this is the start. I've decided that I'm going to document everything. I feel it's something I need to do for myself.

The Question

It has been 5 years since a doctor told me about my infertility. It has been a lot longer since I knew myself about my infertility. I think God gave me the answer long before the doctors did to try and cushion the blow. Kind of like a "you can't hurt me with something that I already know." But it was hard to hear, and hard to have it confirmed, and even harder to live with it day after day after day.

There is not a day that goes by that I am not reminded of my infertility. That I am not reminded that my body is broken. There is not a day that passes that I do not wish that my ovaries could just release my eggs, shoot them down my fallopian tubes, and have them meet sperm, to be fertilized, to create a baby. But no, instead, if I ovulate, my egg just dies off because it can't make it through my blocked tubes.

So when someone asks me when I plan on having another baby, I want to cry. Because if it were my choice, I would be pregnant right now. I wouldn't walk around with pain in my heart every day. I have enough reminders on a daily basis to remind me that my body doesn't work like it should, I don't need the sting of what some may think is a seemingly innocent question. That seemingly innocent question stops me cold, makes my heart beat faster, and makes my mind instantly jump to "stay calm, you can do this, don't cry, just give a short reply and shut this conversation down."

This seemingly innocent question stays with me. Like when I try to have a relaxing bath at the end of the day but end up in a crying fit because of that one stupid question. It leaves me crying in Chris' arms while he tries his best to convince me that everything will be okay. It leaves me heartbroken because I would do anything to be able to get pregnant the old fashioned way.

I just don't want to be asked this question anymore.