Tuesday, 10 March 2015

The Future

I've been thinking a lot about the future lately and that's probably because my boyfriend and I have been talking a lot about our future together. We're planning on buying a home together and I couldn't be more excited...life with this amazing man is incredible.

With thinking about our future, I also think about our family growing and it worries me. There are so many what ifs. What if we can't get pregnant, what if IVF doesn't work, what if I have no good eggs, what if we end up with no embryos? I hate all the what ifs and I hate thinking about them but they are very real for me.

Which makes me wonder if you can ever really "beat" infertility.

I was blessed with a pregnancy and was able to enjoy watching a tiny little boy grow in my expanding belly. Definitely a miracle that I will always cherish. But can I say I beat infertility? I don't think I can...I think I can say I outsmarted infertility and I think that's what everyone who battles infertility can say when they are blessed with a pregnancy, or blessed with a donor or surrogate, or blessed with a beautiful adoption. There are so many avenues to "outsmart" infertility but I don't think there is a way to beat it. Maybe that's not 100% true because there are some families who miraculously conceive which is an amazing gift from God and I love those stories, but nothing was more frustrating for me when people said "I knew you would get pregnant once you adopted...it always happens." Just like that, as if it's that easy. For one, I don't think they've ever tried to adopt a child (one of the hardest most challenging things I've ever done, but it also happened to be one of the most rewarding things as well) and two, it was 3 letters that made it happen: I.V.F..

My future with IVF scares me. I know I have another difficult road ahead of me, but one thing is for certain, I will try to make the best of it and I will try to stay positive throughout that journey. But like so many others, I can't give up the wishful thinking hope that there will be that one month, followed by another nine, when Aunt Flow doesn't show, when I don't feel that wave of crushing disappointment.

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