I try not to think about it and I try to block it from my mind, but sometimes it just creeps in and I can't help but feel an overwhelming amount of sadness. I have a frozen embryo. I can't help but think of my happy 8.5 month old, smiling and giggling at me, thinking this embryo will never have this chance to be my child, to know my love. Some people just see it as an embryo, it's nothing, but to me, that's my baby, my baby that I already love, my baby that I'm already trying to say goodbye to but I just don't know how.
I know my only option for my baby is adoption. The other choices are just not options. I can't just have my baby destroyed or donated to science. It. is. not. an. option. I know there are so many wonderful families who are struggling right now with the grief of not being able to start a family because of infertility.
My sadness and my grief of the loss of this precious baby could change a family's life. It could turn their sadness into their dream come true, into their happily ever after. The thought of this only fills me with joy. It's something I pray about. My grief was turned into happiness when two young people made the decision to bless me with their son. A little boy who makes the world a better place, who has a giggle and smile so contagious you can't help but be happy around him.
But for now, I still try and figure out how to say goodbye. How to move on to the next step of starting the donation process. The first step in saying goodbye.
God never said life would be easy, but I know He will always carry my burdens for me.