Pain of the Heart

The emotional pain that I felt going through infertility, the adoption process, and IVF is still very real. With infertility, I experienced so much sadness that I think it's something my heart will remember again from time to time. I'm definitely in a different place than I was when we were going through infertility. I don't spend countless nights crying myself to sleep and asking God "Why me? Why us?" I don't look at pregnant women and feel like I might fall apart. I don't try to avoid hearing a pregnancy announcement at all costs. But now, I do feel the pain for all of the families struggling with infertility.

One of my biggest pet peeves right now is when people find out I'm pregnant and they go into the whole story of "I know so and so who adopted and a month later found out they were pregnant...sometimes that's all it takes." This little story brings me back to the time when we were adopting and people would tell me that I'm going to get pregnant right after. Well how the heck do you know? Are you God? Do you know my whole life plan? And why are you assuming that this pregnancy is a result of our adoption? This pregnancy was 110% planned. It didn't just happen one day the good ol' fashioned way. It happened because God had a unique plan for us. It's still aggravating for me when others don't understand infertility and how to approach couples who are struggling with it and who have struggled with it in the past. 

That being said, during some of my hardest and most painful days, sometimes music was my saving grace. God introduced me to an artist by the name of Jamie Grace just when I needed her music the most. I would listen to her song "Holding On" on repeat some days because all I wanted to do was give up. This song can still bring tears to my eyes because it reminds me of how far we have come. 

HOLDING ON - JAMIE GRACE

All the signs of life
They’re all around me with every heartbeat
I feel so alive,
I am joy and sadness,
Peace and madness
If only I can fight just a little longer
I know It’s gonna make me stronger

I'll just keep holding on to what I believe
Oh, I believe in You
Give me the strength to fight
And the heart to believe
When it’s hard to believe in You

Oh and these are the times when doubt’s tryin’ to creep in
And I need a reason that’s larger than life when hope seems hard to find
If only I can fight just a little longer
I know it’s gonna make me stronger

So I'll just keep holding on to what I believe
Oh, I believe in You
Give me the strength to fight
And a heart to believe
When it’s hard to believe
I’ll just keep holding on, holding on, holding on
Give me the strength to fight
And the heart to believe
When it’s hard to believe in You
Oh oh oh oh oh
When it’s hard to believe in You
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh, I wanna believe

If only I can fight just a little longer
I know I’ll be stronger

So I’ll just keep holding on, holding on, holding on
I’ll just keep holding on, holding on
I’ll just keep holding on to what I believe
Oh, I believe in You
Give me the strength for the fight
And the heart to believe
Cause I’ve got to believe
I’ll just keep holding on, holding on, holding on
Give me strength for the fight
And the heart to believe
'Cause I’ve got to believe in You
Oh oh oh oh oh
Yeah I’ve got to believe in You
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh, yeah I feel so alive.