Our Frozen Baby

I've been thinking a lot lately about our frozen blastocyst. We have one blastocyst that is still frozen. I've been praying a lot about our frozen baby and what we should do with it. I could never have it destroyed...to me, that would be the equivalent of an abortion. This is a baby we're talking about...a baby that is just waiting to grow. It's not just an egg and it's not just a sperm, it's an egg that has been fertilized.

My husband only wants two children, which would mean, that after this one, we would be done. I want at least 3, maybe even 4. The fact that my hubby only wants to is what made me really start praying about our frozen blastocyst, our baby! I started to pray about embryo adoption. I thought this would be a good idea since it would be our only other option, but the more I've prayed about it, the more I feel I can't do it. When we started IVF, I went into it with the mindset of using all of our embryos.

Right now, I'm absolutely torn. I can say 100% that God blessed us with 3 embryos for a reason. One of those babies didn't make it, which breaks my heart and which is why I don't listen to what the doctors say. That embryo was supposed to be our strongest one. According to their grading, it was stellar. But the doctors don't know, they aren't in control. God is in control and God will do what He sees is good. Our other two embryos, the one that is growing inside of me right now and the one that is frozen, couldn't be frozen until day 6 because they were a little behind and weren't graded nearly as high. But there is proof growing inside of me that God is in control. And the amazing thing is, I went into this transfer feeling great. I think the reason for that is because I felt this was God's timing. It was a lot different than our first transfer. Just like two weeks after our son was placed in our home for the possibility of adoption...it just felt different. God had spoken to me and said, "Kelsey, this is it."

The one thing I can't say 100% sure is why God gave us 3 embryos. Why did the first one not make it? Is it because this second baby is truly meant to be ours and God knows we won't be having anymore children? Is it because God has a plan for this third embryo to go to a family that can't have biological children of their own but so desperately want to know what it is like to carry a child? Is it because God knows that in a couple of years time that my husband will come around and want to expand our family and that 3 children will be our limit?

I have no idea what God's plan is but He never ceases to amaze me.