The Big Question

Today was our appointment with the RE. I had never met him before because my previous RE retired and this doctor is his replacement. When we checked in at reception, we both had to fill out questionnaires. I glanced over at Chris when he was done and his form was pretty much blank...mine on the other hand was full of stuff. When we got called back I was weighed and my height and blood pressure were checked. Then the nurse asked a few questions and then an OB resident came in to do a bit more "research" on us before the RE came in.

When the RE came in, he seemed pleasant and had a game plan ready. He agrees that IVF is our only option and wants to move forward with that. Chris and I both need to have bloodwork done, the usual to screen for infectious disease and test for blood type, a second blood test for me on Cycle Day 3 to test FSH, LH, Estradiol, TSH, and Prolaction. The doctor also wants me to get a Hysteroscopy, which is when they insert a device into the uterus to take a look at it from the inside and make sure it will be a nice and cozy place for a baby to snuggle up in. Chris will need to have a test done as well to test the quality of his swimmers. Our plan is to get that done at the same time as I get the Hysteroscopy done since they both have to be done at the fertility clinic.

Once all of that is complete, the RE can refer us into the program, we will do our orientation, and then we will have to sit and wait. One of the questions we asked the RE was whether or not we would be approved for the government funding, and luckily, we qualify. The downside to this is that there is no guarantee of when you get to do your cycle. The hospital only gets paid every 3 months for this funding and they balance the funds over those 3 months by doing roughly 7 cycles a week. So if you are lucky enough to call in and be one of the first 7 that week, you get to go ahead with that cycle. If you are not, then you have to wait. This new funding has only been going on now for 3 months so the doctor's best guess at the wait time is 3-6 months, but really, this is like playing the lottery, you just never know. It is a big added stress and part of me wishes the government never changed the funding and I still had my 2 free cycles that I could use on my timeline, but the other part of me is happy for all of those families who couldn't afford IVF because now they get a shot at it. If we had a money tree in our backyard, we would be able to do a pay out of pocket cycle anytime, but unfortunately, that isn't realistic right now. And as I'm writing all of this, I hope I don't sound ungrateful, because I am truly very grateful for this funding.

One of our big questions for the RE was about freezing the embryos. The only way we would be able to do a cycle and freeze all of the embryos would be if it were medically necessary (if I am overstimulated again). The RE doesn't see that happening because he said last time I was on a high dosage for my age and he will start me with a lower dose and only increase the dosage if need be. He said my dosage last time was half the dosage of a woman who would be at the max dosage at the age of 42. I was only 24 when I did my first cycle. So if we do an IVF cycle, we will be doing a fresh transfer at the same time.

We weren't planning on doing a fresh transfer right away. Our original plan was to do an IVF cycle when we were married, but with there being no guarantee of funding still being available, we thought maybe we could do an IVF cycle now and freeze our embryos. Now that we know that is not an option, that leaves a big question for Chris and I. Where do we go from here?

Tomorrow

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the day that Chris and I go see the fertility doctor to discuss our future. I'm not exactly sure how this appointment will go. It can go so many different ways that it is overwhelming to think about. Am I nervous? Yes. Scared? Yes. Anxious? Yes. Do I have any positive feelings toward this appointment? No...because fear has taken over. Fear of the unknown. my mind is full of "what ifs".

What if we don't receive the government funded IVF (because the fertility doctors get to pick who gets it and who doesn't)?
What if we aren't able to freeze all of the embryos and have to wait to do a cycle and hope that there will still be funding available when we are ready to have another baby?
What if we are candidates for the funded program and we can freeze our embryos and I am not one of the first 9 women that week that call in with their cycle day 1? How long will I have to wait?
What if it doesn't work?

And my biggest what if and biggest fear:
What if I can't give Chris a child that is genetically his?
I know he loves Joshua and Grayson as his own and there has never been a question of that but I want so badly to give him a child that is genetically his.

I hate all of these what ifs and I know this is all out of my control, but I'm having a really hard time just letting all of this go.

Church was amazing this past Sunday and it was all about worry. It's as if God had this one planned just for me. I know I need to let my worries go to God but right now I am having a hard time. But when I am able to let it go to God, the peace I feel is incredible.

I Don't Know How to Feel

Sometimes I don't know how to feel. I don't think that is really the right way to put it. I have a lot of feelings, I am an emotional person and I express my feelings openly. But sometimes I don't know how I am supposed to feel.

How am I supposed to feel about my infertility? Because most days I just hate it and I want to scream and cry and be angry and mad and scream to God "why me?!?!" Sometimes I want to be mad at God. Sometimes I am overcome by so much grief from my infertility that I don't know what to do. It's in these moments that I try my best to throw it all at God, literally throw my feelings at Him because I feel like such a mess emotionally inside that I don't know how to just hand it over to God so I throw it at Him. All of my anger, sadness, bitterness, fear, all of it.

But why me?! I feel as though I know the answer to this. Sometimes I feel God softly whispering to me through my tears "sweet child, because of Joshua, because I chose you to be Joshua's mommy." Joshua's sweet blue eyes instantly bring me back to the very reason why I would never change the infertility I was dealt. It's because of Joshua's laughter that fills our home, his sweet hugs and kisses that he always has for me, and his beautiful gentle soul that reminds me of why God chose all of this for me.

I thought I could walk bravely with the pain of infertility, but it is something I can't do alone and it's in those moments that God picks me up, never caring that I am angry or bitter or defeated or broken, and carries me through until I walk on my own two feet again.

Update on Finn

Just wanted to leave a little update about Finn's first trip. Finn made it safely to his new home. Finn is safe and sound. This is a big relief but it is all part of God's plan for Finn :) I will continue to pray for God to watch over Finn and his new family.

Finn's First Trip

Yesterday, I received confirmation that Finn was on his way home. Finn was being shipped from my fertility clinic to a fertility clinic on the other side of the country! He is going to have quite a story to share and I have been praying so hard that he will get to share his story.

Yesterday, was another day where I struggled to process my feelings. I felt sad and had to fight back tears. And I think a part of me will always be sad because Finn was my baby right from the very beginning, he wasn't just some frozen embryo, he was always my beautiful frozen embaby. But now he has a new family, an incredible family who has already done so much for Finn. Together, we are giving Finn the best possible chance at life. Without this family, Finn wouldn't even be here right now and I can't even imagine that. It's this part of Finn's story that makes me so incredibly happy and will always outweigh my sad moments. Words can't truly express how grateful I am. To me, this part of Finn's story is a miracle, a miracle that God has given me.

It's because of this miracle that I am only thinking positive for Finn and for Finn's new family.

Why Does My Body Have To Be Broken??

Today is not a good day. I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated with my body incompetency to be able to get pregnant without the help of a whole team of doctors, nurses, and lab techs. I'm frustrated that Chris and I will have to do IVF. I'm angry because it is not fair. I am discouraged because there are so many things that can go wrong. And I'm frustrated with myself because I'm broken.

Chris and I have been talking and we have decided that it may be best to do our round of IVF before the wedding and freeze the embryos. Last time I did IVF, my ovaries were overstimulated and I experienced a lot of pain. I believe all of my embryos should have been frozen last cycle and I probably shouldn't have done a fresh transfer...the doctor literally left it up to a hormone crazy desperate woman to make that decision. I'm hoping the doctor this time will make the decision and leave me no options to freeze all of the embryos (if we are blessed with embryos to freeze) to be transferred when my body is back to normal. I'm not sure if this is an option though because this one round of IVF will be government funded and I'm not sure of the policies. It will have to be discussed with the doctor. And since it is funded, the fertility clinic has a "wait list." The wait list itself is stressful. The way it works is the fertility clinic is funded 9 cycles a week. So the first 9 women to call in with their cycle day 1 get to do the cycle that week. The other women have to wait until their next cycle and hope they are one of the first 9. How stressful is that for a woman who is already stressed? This is another reason why we would like to do IVF before the wedding. Potentially, we could be on that wait list for quite a while. Another reason why we want to do it before the wedding is because it is funded and there is no guarantee of how long that funding will be in place. Before, since my tubes are blocked, I had 3 funded rounds of IVF, which I used one of. I thought I had two more that I would be able to use (which was a bit of a security net if the first round didn't work) but with the new funding, I only get one. I am very grateful for this, but very stressed. We will have to pay for the cost of the fertility drugs on top of the funding.

If the IVF doesn't work, I'm not sure what we will do. I don't know how we would afford to do another IVF cycle and medication out of pocket because it's not just our desire to expand our family that we have to focus on, we have two precious children at home that need us and when I put $15,000 into prospective, that's an education for one of them. I'm just so frustrated that my body is broken. And I have a lot of guilt that Chris has to go through this because of me. And I have a lot of guilt that I may not be able to give him a child that has his beautiful eyes (I was lost in his beautiful eyes the first day I met him) or his contagious smile.

We have an appointment scheduled for April 12th with our fertility doctor and I'm really hoping he will have some magic words that will calm me down and relax me.

Saying Goodbye to Finn

Today is a day filled with a lot of emotions. Emotions I’m not 100% sure how to process right now. Finn, my precious embaby, no longer belongs to me. Finn has officially been donated to his or her new family. These last few days have been very emotional for me; I have emotions of sadness and emotions of happiness.

My heart is broken though. I had to say goodbye to my precious embaby. I sat this morning with my email typed and the agreement attached ready to send to my lawyer for 3 hours. I knew that as soon as I clicked send that it was done, that Finn had been donated to his or her new family. It was hard, a lot harder than I imagined it to be. It’s hard to say goodbye. And I don’t really know how to express these feelings. All I know how to express is that my heart is very sad that my baby is no longer my baby.

I am heartbroken having to say good bye to Finn, but at the same time my heart is also filled with happiness. Finn’s new family has already accepted him and welcomed him with open arms. My heart is filled with happiness because I know that they already love him and they are ready to give him the best shot possible.

I find comfort in knowing that Finn’s new family is doing everything possible to have a successful transfer and successful pregnancy. Finn’s new mommy is doing everything that I would be doing myself if I were preparing for a transfer and I find great peace in this. I am also comforted knowing that I have done everything I can for Finn and knowing that his new family is doing everything they can for him.

I am experiencing a lot of feelings right now, but in my heart, I know this is the path God has chosen for Finn and I find the greatest peace in this.